Michael White

Michael W.

Ranking
Stock Character
Reviewer Rating
Scripts
2
Reviews
5
Scripts
television

The Hobo (Draft 2) Draft #2

Sign In to see % Rating
A homeless jerk wins the lottery.
Reviews
Following
Activity
MichaelWhite
Michael White 5 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

The Hobo (Draft 2) television
Genre: Comedy
A homeless jerk wins the lottery.
MichaelWhite
Michael White 5 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

The Hobo (Draft 2) television
Genre: Comedy
A homeless jerk wins the lottery.
MichaelWhite
Michael White 5 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

The Hobo (Draft 2) television
Genre: Comedy
A homeless jerk wins the lottery.
MichaelWhite
Michael White 5 years ago

just purchased a review. Claim it here

The Hobo (Draft 2) television
Genre: Comedy
A homeless jerk wins the lottery.
MichaelWhite
Michael White 5 years ago

just purchased a review. Claim it here

The Hobo (Draft 2) television
Genre: Comedy
A homeless jerk wins the lottery.
MichaelWhite
Michael White 5 years ago

completed a review for

Mister short
Genre: Drama
Rating: 20%
There's not much material here to give a review, considering the script is only 2 pages. Im not sure if you were aware, but every one page in a screenplay is estimated to be no more than one minute. Two pages doesn't really give time to tell a story, much less provide enough build up for yhe plot twist at the end. Most short films usually have some type of unexpected twist at the end so I see what you were aiming for. Obviously there was some type of submissive dog fettish shared by the two of them. However, I dont think it's inteiguing enough to suprise anyone at the end. Especially because the build up was so short. I recommend adding a little more mystery to the purpose of the story. Drag their date out a little longer. Have them eat food, share laughs, look at old photos. Tell a complete story before twisting the plot. All in all, I believe you have the right idea, but you missed the execution.
MichaelWhite
Michael White 5 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Mister short
Genre: Drama
... She gets ready for Mister.
MichaelWhite
Michael White 5 years ago

just purchased a review. Claim it here

The Hobo (Draft 2) television
Genre: Comedy
A homeless jerk wins the lottery.
MichaelWhite
Michael White 5 years ago

just purchased a review. Claim it here

The Hobo (Draft 2) television
Genre: Comedy
A homeless jerk wins the lottery.
MichaelWhite
Michael White 5 years ago

completed a review for

77 lives short
Genre: Comedy
Rating: 47%
For starters, I believe you have a great imagination to come up with such a story. I enjoyed the start of the story because it immediately drew me in with them rolling down the hill. I also like the fact that you didn't waste time revealing that Olivia and Kirk had lived another lifetime. I enjoyed the story from start to finish and especially enjoyed the plot reveal at the end. Now...what I didn't particularly care for was how long it took for me to laugh, or even smile. If this is a comedy, your jokes and remarks need to have more of a punchline. The dialogue seemed a little unrealistic at times and dry at times where it was meant to be funny. It wasnt until later deep into the scene with the queen when I really laughed. And it made me laugh pretty hard, so I know you have the talent to write better. I also believe you should be a little more descriptive in your action text. It was very empty and choppy. All in all, pretty good. Tweak those jokes a bit and smack your readers in the face with your dialogue. Make it a little more complex and not so straight to the point. Good Job.