Just a normal guy who tries to write on his free time. Extremely new to screenplays, but enjoy learning and practice.
Overall, the story kept me entertained throughout. At times I was slightly confused the the two different storylines intertwining; they felt so vastly different I almost thought they were time jumps. In the end, they became clearer and made sense. The story itself definitely has a strong base. I liked essentially every aspect you put into the people. Silas obviously has a checkered past that he is piecing together. But his abilities are very imaginative; when he used the Everto Occulus, I couldn’t help but picture a “super sayian” transformation. I didn’t peg the Company of Light as angels at all until the reveal. If that was the intention, well done. Their powers and abilities were entertaining and easy to imagine being very cool onscreen. The Sinners seem like they will be a great antagonist, and I hope to see them return with more content eventually. The story flows great and is easy to understand throughout. My only concern, and I’m extremely guilty of this as well, is you have a ton of dialogue in static scenes. Clumps of the story involve characters talking while sitting on a bed, eating cake, standing in a room. I’m not judging, like I said, I do this a lot. But I’ve read that this can be looked down on because on screen, this can become somewhat boring. I read an article about how “The West Wing” was a better example how to tackle this, as their characters are always walking and moving the scene. Perhaps look into that? It doesn’t bother me if the story is good, which yours is. Just bringing it to your attention. I could easily see your waterfall scene unfold just the same if Beatrice was following Dream as he checked fishing traps at the waters edge for example. Another thing that caught my attention was the Company of Lights duty. By the end, I totally grasped what their job essentially was, I was just left wondering why was Dream upset with them. He says they were fighting their own people, you mention pro-unionists; I just couldn’t piece that side story together enough. Although that could easily be on purpose for later episodes. Besides that, I thought it was great. The demon fights were descriptive and entertaining and the character development made he want to keep reading. I don’t like to assess punctuation and such since I’m no professional and there is great software for that. The only time I was pulled out of the story from it was page 52. “Falls onto his but.” Nothing critical, my brain just stopped and said wait a minute. I consider continuing most books by its first chapter and most shows my its pilot; I would easily watch the next one and see where it goes.
I received this assignment again and tried to notice if much has changed, but I couldn’t identify anything. Not sure if I should had “opted out”, I’m still relatively new to this site. I’m attaching my original review, as I think it still holds. Reading over again, some more suggestions would be to add some dialogue as to which sport/activity they are talking about. The summary says dance, but my original read through didn’t help me come to the conclusion. Other then that, I’d say just run a grammar check software to clean up certain sentences. Something we’re all guilty of. Original review follows: 1. The story definitely sets a mood off the bat. You feel every moment and it’s easy to follow and visualize. 2. Your summary states “... to appease the one she loves.” Although it’s a short, I didn’t feel that Anna loved Kathleen; more fear. I’m sure this would play out with more pages. 3. I noticed you swapped between two different ways for writing action lines. Sometimes you write; “She looks down...” “Her mouth let’s out a scream...” Other times you write; “Checks the bathroom floor...” “Eyes a clock...” Not sure the proper way here, but you definitely switch between the two. I just thought it’d be better to stick to one way. 4. As far as I know, new characters should be introduced before their first line of dialogue. You have Kathleen talking before her summary. ——— Overall, although just four pages, it immediately grabbed my attention and left me wanting to see where the story would go and how the situations play out. I hope this helps is some way.
The young turtles must adapt quickly to overcome a foe from their fathers past, who has discovered powerful new weapons for his thirst of destruction. Combining each ones strength, they will undertake their final test to try and save not one, but endless worlds.