dreadfully boring - a gun cocked with lots of weird eccentric beings - that dont do much late aug19 title in italics --- no writer name --- poor start - i havent read anything 117pgs - also a glaring red blinking flash pg count per pdf not script page italics in dialog - means singing? - just say that parenthetically with character dialog ive never seen that much italics in a screenplay - disconcerting FADE IN: EXT. WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK - DAY RAY RANDI (30s) watches CHARLOTTE (6) go down the slide. Once she reaches the bottom, she looks over and waves at him. He gives a proud smile as he waves back. WOMAN (V.O.) You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. FADE IN is a slug line - left side my thing: consider the singing coming in before FADE IN i seem to always have sound proceed FADE IN - no rule just something i cant resist doing - sets mood before visual end of page 2 - we had ray looking over charlotte and another voice singing - then ted and tabitha - 5 different people - and we dont know anyone's name pg3 TABITHA You're not so bad yourself, Ted. pg5 TED I know this is just your job, but you're a lot more than what you present to be. I'm happy we got to share this night together, Tabitha. its an s/p thing - we have to hear their names ASAP --- reading the script we know their names - until spoken an audience doesnt ---- maybe not necessary? you have to actively decide this talky.... s/p is a visual medium pg6 .... ok - cool - shit happens pg8 - lock pick alive-ish? nice in this den they are concerned with property - like smash the window - which ray did on entrance pg10 the lid to the elevator ---- there must be a real word -- emergency door? evac door? the square thing on the ceiling --- check silence/lambs - they mustve used that term SKIN WALKER MOM --- did a search - grats - you keep it to 2 words - where i often have probs - minor - but still pg13 - good use of char's we've met --- ted now has a tribe - so what theyre extensions of him in general - spelling format all good - i consider them background essential - im in good hands here pg14 --- what specifically am i seeing here - describe our client pls Ray sits in the dingy office of his client, the hobgoblin they call UGKNUS. He’s a slimy character both inside and out. Dressed like a businessman, he smokes his cigar pg15 Were --------- UGKNUS (CONT’D) Where you there? pg17 up front --- or delete it UGKNUS (CONT’D) Karen will pay you upfront https://grammarist.com/usage/upfront-up-front/ pg18 - we're in a difft world -- im thinking not ur first script - the formatting is spot-on -- 2nd 3rd -- creating an entire alt world is exhausting beyond belief wow - he's still alive - i cant believe coincidence -- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Randi pg26 - the real painting is at MOMA ... my mind wanders as zero has happened since pg19 4th floor - starry night is around corner - not good im thinking of this rather than enmeshed in script pg 26 - slice of cake? ... chunk of cake pg27 --- what sleeve? annie the feathered-cat has pockets for notes? Ray bolts up, only to discover that it was just Annie, knocking something off the table. He looks at the clock. It's 2:25. He's on the verge of tears as he looks back at Annie. RAY Let's see what you got for me. He heads over to her, opens the sleeve, and pulls out a NOTE: pg30 ... im bored - nothing dramatic has happened in 10+ pgs ---- various creatures - meetings - politics.... Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy,Mystery/Suspense,Action/Adventure scifi/fant - yes mystery/suspense - not even close action/adv - minimal - one extended scene of a battle with skin walkers .... 3-4?pgs out of 30 i read stopped at pg30 - no suspense/concern hint of what might happen next possibly more meetings ur setting up chars for later --- do that with stuff exploding - otherwise its just talking heads 3 act structure -- each act can be divided into its own 3 act structure - gives an arc sense of where we are - and are going pgs 20-30 --- nothing - no action - more people/beings with variants of their needs - no clue where any of this is going don henley quote "it's interesting when people die"

late aug19 premise reminds me of several married with children eps 9pgs - requires vast additional content 2 leads at 70s age ... who is your audience? it's not hollywood 1st page - thank you - intriguing - format spelling the rule is in fact period or comma inside quotes --- i hate that - i do what you did FRED I have a lady who collects for me. We have an “arrangement”. https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/punctuation/quotation_marks/more_quotation_mark_rules.html one of those "know the rules" even if u brk them thing FADE OUT. is a slug line - on the left margin - no period late aug19 premise reminds me of several married with children eps 9pgs - requires vast additional content 2 leads at 70s age ... who is your audience? it's not hollywood 1st page - thank you - intriguing - format spelling the rule is in fact period or comma inside quotes --- i hate that - i do what you did FRED I have a lady who collects for me. We have an “arrangement”. https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/punctuation/quotation_marks/more_quotation_mark_rules.html one of those "know the rules" even if u brk them thing FADE OUT. is a slug line - on the left margin - no period huge scene descrip - minimal dialog - for a not at all interesting anything - this isnt a story - it's a sequence of scenes bound by location and char i was hoping to see this 70s cpl take off makeup and reveal theyre 20s ------ then - inherited the house from grandma - theyre lazy - cant find a real job to pay huge taxes on a mansion.... etc late aug19 premise reminds me of several married with children eps 9pgs - requires vast additional content 2 leads at 70s age ... who is your audience? it's not hollywood 1st page - thank you - intriguing - format spelling the rule is in fact period or comma inside quotes --- i hate that - i do what you did FRED I have a lady who collects for me. We have an “arrangement”. https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/punctuation/quotation_marks/more_quotation_mark_rules.html one of those "know the rules" even if u brk them thing FADE OUT. is a slug line - on the left margin - no period huge scene descrip - minimal dialog - for a not at all interesting anything - this isnt a story - it's a sequence of scenes bound by location and char i was hoping to see this 70s cpl take off makeup and reveal theyre 20s ------ then - inherited the house from grandma - theyre lazy - cant find a real job to pay huge taxes on a mansion.... etc huge scene descrip - minimal dialog - for a not at all interesting anything - this isnt a story - it's a sequence of scenes bound by location and char i was hoping to see this 70s cpl take off makeup and reveal theyre 20s ------ then - inherited the house from grandma - theyre lazy - cant find a real job to pay huge taxes on a mansion.... etc

36pgs --- needs major additions to hit feature length he is here notes aug2019 he is here ---- im thinking old tz ep tz - dennis hopper https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0734572/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_167 he's alive - serling wrote reading -- odd - i seem always to start with sound before FADE IN give an atmospheric aural sensation first scene descrip - show us --- this isnt a novel pg2 He is extremely paranoid. pg3 --- he just had a bat HE QUICKLY opens a drawer trying to find a weapon to defend himself. pg4 - dont know what he's saying here "why is it ..."? I was crucified on social media, why is I so hard for you to consider that one of all these people took it too far. on pg6 - many extra spaces here/there i presume are because of software i-net crap pg7 -- we see this pic --- what is it? out with friends - a dinner date --- wedding pic?? scene description .... so describe what im seeing Jack removes a picture of him and Lucy from his desk and looks at it. dont use exclamation points in scene descrip -- only in dialog - im reading it so i decide the ! factor He opens a random page and sees a horrific picture of an eyeless corpse on a bed! pg8 -- ok --- this is getting interesting JACK Who? Who's following me? STRANGER Do you feel like you are being followed? Because he doesn't follow you. He doesn't need to even though he is always right next to you. id say use VO or OS B.G Breath sound heard. pg9 - show dont tell It is implied that a few hours of searching have passed. sic - He enters a forum were people describe p16 NURSE Oh were did you live? p17 0 vis O OWEN (0.S) p28 Azazoth --- script has an HP feel defense lawyers dc if you did it - they only look for minor details that invalidate evidence or witnesses pissing me off - cant recall the hp story this reminds me of --- several the title - reminding me of tz ep - out the window - entered howard world this isnt 400 words??? s/p is 35pgs ----- ok -- he is here notes aug2019 he is here ---- im thinking old tz ep tz - dennis hopper https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0734572/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_167 he's alive - serling wrote reading -- odd - i seem always to start with sound before FADE IN give an atmospheric aural sensation first scene descrip - show us --- this isnt a novel pg2 He is extremely paranoid. pg3 --- he just had a bat HE QUICKLY opens a drawer trying to find a weapon to defend himself. pg4 - dont know what he's saying here "why is it ..."? I was crucified on social media, why is I so hard for you to consider that one of all these people took it too far. on pg6 - many extra spaces here/there i presume are because of software i-net crap pg7 -- we see this pic --- what is it? out with friends - a dinner date --- wedding pic?? scene description .... so describe what im seeing Jack removes a picture of him and Lucy from his desk and looks at it. dont use exclamation points in scene descrip -- only in dialog - im reading it so i decide the ! factor He opens a random page and sees a horrific picture of an eyeless corpse on a bed! pg8 -- ok --- this is getting interesting JACK Who? Who's following me? STRANGER Do you feel like you are being followed? Because he doesn't follow you. He doesn't need to even though he is always right next to you. id say use VO or OS B.G Breath sound heard. pg9 - show dont tell It is implied that a few hours of searching have passed. sic - He enters a forum were people describe p16 NURSE Oh were did you live? p17 0 vis O OWEN (0.S) p28 Azazoth --- script has an HP feel defense lawyers dc if you did it - they only look for minor details that invalidate evidence or witnesses pissing me off - cant recall the hp story this reminds me of --- several the title - reminding me of tz ep - out the window - entered howard world