# The concept is kind of unique. We saw a lot of power out, intruder in movies but combine this with paranoia due to smoking is unique. Though paranoia wasn't executed clearly. All of her fears was legit and real. I wish you make her scared of dark then start imagining something unreal like flying objects in the air that suddenly dissapear. Then, she doubt her self if what she is seeing and hearing is real or not, until she makes sure someone is really at her home, and you may let her talk to her self and connect that paranoid to dope while being frightened. # I like how tension escalate slowly through the scene starting from sounds and thunder to see an intruder in her house, especially in the kitchen after seeing the shadow on the wall, you used many ways to make it tense sound, and flames goes out. Phone battery is out, then she freeze. # There is not much development through action and dialogue in the story. The development is depending on tension, psychologist stress, doubt, fear, reasoning and mental realization. I think you can categorize the script as psychology drama. # I don't see much comedy in the story, only at the end when she hits her husband, it was funny, but I don't think you can categorize it as comedy. # The charecter is clearly calm we see this when she continues smoking or holding her phone in that dark scary atmosphere. She is brave, a little bit clumsy when she goes to check the kitchen with a fire poker on her hand when the deputies clearly told her to hide. Character is well written. # The character is clearly developing we see her relaxed and smoking, we see her frightened and trying save and defend her self, we finally see her realizing that she doesn't want to smoke. Watching her coming into that realization is satisfying. # The idea is very clear. The story is clearly saying "don't smoke dope". I like the comedy twist and the nice atmosphere at the end. The switch from thrill to relax mood was good. # The dialogue was natural and smart. Especially at the end when they talked about beer instead of smoking. The whole idea depended on these few words. # Shouldn't deputies talk about the intruder call with trudy, and ask nick on private about abuse. I think that is what would police do if they suspect abuse. They talk to victims privately.
I am not an experienced writer at all. I haven't claim a script ever. but I am going to give my honest opinion anyway. Is the Concept strong/original? It's original, I don't think I have seen something similar to it anywhere. Does the logline/first ten pages draw the reader? Yes, the first few scenes draw me into the story. Are scenes well-written? I think the script is a bit short. Why not adding more scenes showing his boring daily routine like the way he eats, sleep and go back to work with flashbacks of his interesting life back home. He seems to like action and competition. So you may show that he likes competitive sports or horse riding. There is something missing in the dream part. He was at the chalet with his friends, then he had a dream, then he wakes up in the forest. Why he is in the forest if he was dreaming and where he could be sleeping? It's illogical to wake up in the middle of the forest unless there is an issue with sleepwalking. Then his friends are looking for him in the forest. How did they know he is lost in the forest? I suggest something like this: He fell asleep on lunch break and had the dream. Then, his friends looking for him since he is late. Then, he got scolded by chief for being lazy and irresponsible. You let him say that he doesn't like his job but you didn't show it with enough action. You may add something like sighing, dragging his legs walking toward his cabin, nagging, making mistakes, or waking up unmotivated. Is the protagonist/antagonist compelling enough? Yes. Does the character drive the story? Do you feel for the character? Yes. Does the dialogue drive the story/character? Yes. The dialogue describe every thing in the story while It feels natural. Is the conflict real/genuine? Conflict in this story is the antagonist being bored of his job. It's clear early on the story. Pacing Does the story flow naturally? Does it progress, or stagger form time to time? The story flow naturally. Does the Climax/Resolution satisfy the reader? Yes, (climax) The dream was satisfying. No, (resolution) the discovery of the dream and what is happening after that it's not satisfying. He should got scolded and apologize. Does the script read well? It read well, scenes are clear except for the last scene when he was unexpectedly sleeping in the forest and his friends looking for him in the forest. It doesn't make sense to me. Overall I enjoyed reading the script. The concept, dialogue, climax was satisfying.