Concept: Not good. A community haunted by drug addition, poverty or crime isn't something new to anyone. There are a few good movies that are based on the same concept, but things are a lot more intense than this. If you are going to write about a rough community, make it really rough. Otherwise it will appear like a documentation of reality and not a story meant to be a movie. Also set Trey's troubles to a higher level. He doesn't seem up against really big threats, that makes him not stand out like the main character is supposed to. Story: I don't know if you had actually thought out the whole story before beginning to write. The only part that captures one's attention is the first to pages. There is the promise for something big when we see Trey's body laying lifeless on pavement, having been shot by an unknown killer. That picked up my interest. I was hoping to find out all details leading up to the scene within the first ten to twenty pages. But instead, we got into what I think are unnecessary scenes that weren't actually connected to the last scene or intended to build up the plot. At some point I thought that maybe you were bringing up more and more scenes just to keep the story going and make the script a feature. Some scenes did help show us just what kind of a rough neighborhood Trey was coping up with, but a few scenes would have been enough, only the ones that are really intense, drop the rest. Does Trey have to meet with almost ten people before getting to his interview? Maybe it was important to some point, helps show the kind of person Trey is. But we shouldn't be meeting all of his buddies at this point. Just have him talk to one or two people, make the conversion interesting and short. Things are not intense, not even enough for a drama feature. People may talk roughly here and there. But that isn't all that drama is about. There is need for more action. Doesn't have to be fighting. Just give us scenes that one didn't expect, a surprise. Like you did with Moor's murder. But everything else seemed talk and walk, usual chat. STRUCTURE: I don't know exactly how to describe how I feel about this part. The scenes are in order, nothing is where it shouldn't. But this doesn't help keep the reader intrigued. The truth is, there are a lot of unnecessary scenes, dialogue. That bores the reader. Dialogue: You did good! There wasn't much humor, or statements that stir up emotions, but it was all very realistic. Your dialogue lasts way too long at every instance. Like we have already heard what was to be said but the characters just keeps talking when we expect to move on to a new scene. Characters: No character actually stood out. Josselyn's mother would have if she had more dialogue, but she didn't. Cece was good and interesting, liked her. Everyone else is simply realistic, not remarkable, but very realistic. Writer: I know this section isn't usually part of a review but I thought it necessary that I introduce it because I noted something about you that I don't encounter very often. That is a really good writer with the wrong story. When I read your script, I felt like I was reading something written by one of those professionals that already have their work produced. You write like a pro. That's what kept me hoping that the next page the story would get better. It didn't, but I still couldn't help noticing how neat your work is. It's like you have mastered all rules of scriptwriting, but didn't give much attention to what is really important, the story.
A deeply secret and well networked society of astral travelers seeks to use the art of astral projection to travel back in time to the year 1962, alter the outcome of the crisis between U.S and Russia in order to create a nuclear war.