Just trying to tell some dope stories.
When first reading the script as a live-action, I found it to be a bit boring. A few pages in, I decided to view it as an adult animation and thought it added a bit more wonder to the show while also giving it more potential. The concept is simplistic and straight forward which is cool cause you can get into the show right away. Overall, I think this actually has some legs to it, and if you consider my animation suggestion you could make it a bit more over the top (flashbacks, bigger scenes, gags, seeing what the characters are thinking, even the rats can have more character to them) Pages 1-2 On the initial read, the cold open didn't work for me, but after seeing where the story goes it's pretty solid. Maybe you could add more life to the scene, have the machine rock back and forth, maybe throw in some rats. Just build it a bit more. 3-7 Maybe add some connection to the Cheetos to the overall story of the episode. Find a way to use this space to plant seeds. The dialogue here is a bit stiff and the backstory being explained is a little cliche. In terms of structure, this is a really tight scene and moves the story forward at a perfect pace 7-10 Pushing it forward keeping a great pace, maybe not the most logical course of action. Interesting charecters. 10-14 Everything here is pretty good, All I could suggest is a bit more charecter. Everyone is kind of a freak there's no one you can really humanize other than Amanda. Maybe throw in another normie into the mix preferably a female character. 15-17 Good stuff 17-22 Seems like wasted space with the Lottery people, didn't go anywhere didn't have a lead up. The Karl and Vinny stuff is solid. They have potential, but this is also why I recommend the animation aspect. Then we can see the zip line scene and rather than them trying to build a zipline, they could have actually done it. The drug scene has been done, but it works. 23-27 Okay stuff with Chad. Maybe it could be a bit more compelling. The rat in purse scene feels authentic, but maybe you could come up with more. 28-31 The ending seems rushed and out of nowhere. This is why I recommend the other time used to build up to something that could be planted like Lydia wins the trip to Vegas. Overall the show is good. If you get a little weirder, expand, and add more life to the mall(not people but make it a character in itself. Think how Bob's Burgers and how the restaurant pushes the plot at times), then I could see this as an animation on Hulu or something.
The overall concept of what's being done seems like a standard 30-minute drama in the mold of How to Get away with Murder, or something like You. Really any CW or run-of-the-mill binge show on Netflix. Those shows use a formula to create suspense every 8 minutes. Then finally, overall with this pilot, too much is revealed in the first episode, there's not enough guess room for the viewer. I'll go more into detail below. Page 1-4 Right away I know this is a concept that I've seen 1000 times before. Someone is being integrated for a crime, did they do it? What happened? Who's Harry? What Happened to Harry? There's nothing here that separates this version of that type of story from 999 other ones. I'd recommend developing the concept more, or find a way to subvert expectation and do that early on. Open up cliche, but then quickly do something new. Maybe make the final scene the opening scene, but even that has been done. As for characters, I feel they are puppets of the genre. Lisa is a bit boring. Your typical masculine female lead, she swears and eats tacos. There's nothing there that jumps off the page about her. The officers are puppets as well. The dialogue flows well but since the story and concept are so entrenched in this 'seen it before tone' that naturally leaks to it as well. Page 5-8 Things start to pick up now, there's movement now. As the reader, I'm kinda just happy to be out of that jail scene. The voiceover is a nice touch really creates a feeling. Harry dating an older woman is a bit odd, and yet these are the type of concepts that need to be thrown in order to keep the reader captivated. The mellow dramatic aspects of this scene pull you out of it, mostly in regards to Ruth's dialogue. With the character Harry still being ambiguous, this is for sure my favorite section of the script. This is where the mystery opens up and you meet these characters. Having Harry be flawed, as well as date a woman who's twice his age creates far more mystery and intrigue. The critique here mostly revolves around the character Ruth, she doesn't do anything. Page 8-11 Solid scene can't say much. Perfect for set up and the opportunity to introduce new elements to the story. The issue with the scene would be how it fits into the overall episode. You introduce a date here, but since you also reveal Ruth did it then that mystery disappears. Rather than give it all away right away you can introduce more elements and leave it hanging. Create a bigger world. Page 12 Every already knew Harry was dead and with how you set up the scene everyone knew he was going to be dead when Lisa went up the stairs. There's no supsrise here. It's a bigger twist if he's still alive and you push the murder back more. This creates real suspense and intrigue. Page 13-23 The concept that is being done here is actually really cool. The idea of two separate flashbacks from two people's points of view is interesting. The problem is you make it too obvious that Ruth is the murder, so the reader sort of knows her story is a lie. Ruth's melodramatic actions and dialogue take away from the character. She becomes a puppet. If Ruth is the one who committed the murder then don't make her a full sociopath until far later into the show. And until then treat her like she isn't the murder as much as possible. Really make it hard for the reader to know. I'd recommend putting truthful elements in Ruth's story, muddying it up and making it more confusing for the viewer. Watch shows in this genre and see how they are constantly pushing and pulling the viewer around. The writers purposely want you to think one way just to do the exact opposite or something out of nowhere. In this script you leading on to an obvious outcome then delivering on that obvious outcome there need to be more twists and subversions. Real "what the f*ck" momnets. In terms of structure, you spend a third of the pilot on this part. Cut the fat. Make it more condensed; try to get it to 6-8 pages 23-27 The blood part is kinda bad, I'm just not a fan, but others might like it. There's time wasted here. When looking at the pilot overall, I feel like not enough happens. There aren't a lot of elements being introduced, it's slow. If you cut off some fat and get to the point, I feel as if you could add more flashback scenes, introduce more characters, or even get deeper into Harry and who he was. Make the world a bit bigger to create more mystery. I don't care about the cop bantering back and forth. 28-29 There's nothing surprising here. I guess it depends on where you're going with it. With the course you've selected I make sense to double down on Lisa being a sociopath, there's just no surprise here. 29-30 This interaction is interesting if it's going somewhere and there's a payoff down the line, but as I said before you should add more elements that relate directly to the three main characters. 31-33 I wonder why did Lisa lie in her story. But overall there's no big twist or reveal you're just seeing how it happened, but when the who isn't interesting or a mystery then the how falls off too. Conclusion Expand the concept. Make the world bigger. Open it up more. The pilot has potential if you create a bigger world for it. What is here isn't something that is captivating for the reader. After reading this, you sort of wonder why would I keep watching since it seems everything has been revealed. Concept Boring, needs more juice Story Interesting but needs to expanded Structure Too much time wasted. Character Harry is the only interesting character and still more can be added to him. Lisa is a statue who needs more dirt on her from a character standpoint. Ruth is poorly written. Dialogue Okay, a few cliches here and there. Dig deeper.
The Party Emporium, an underground sex trafficking and drug cartel that operates as a one-stop party company for Los Angeles's elites, goes to war with Caesar, a sociopathic drug lord with a god complex.