ScriptMother is an online screenwriting network for members to engage with a community of fellow writers and receive valuable reviews for their work. Individuals writing screenplays, novels, TV series, short films, and more can share their work with other writers to receive feedback on how to better the writing and enhance the idea. Connect with individuals in the industry and have your work presented to valuable connections. ScriptMother is constantly engaging with community members to ensure that the site is easy to use and provides a valuable resource for screenwriters and authors. It's free to set up a screenwriter account and begin reviewing other scripts while posting your own.
From a technical standpoint, this is a very well-written script and very easy to read. The dialogue also flows well and for the most part, your scenes run in a manner that keeps the story going. I'm assuming this is the first 12 pages of a feature-length screenplay. If this is the case, I think you set up your protagonist well. The antagonist, from what I read, still isn't very clear, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. I would suggest possibly opening the script with a glimpse into what this dark, unseen force is. That would give your audience something to hold onto while you move through the story into that first major incident where your protagonist comes into contact with it for the first time. The protagonist is a strong character, but I think she can be a little more dynamic. Right now, I get the clear idea that she is a young, ambitious journalist who is dedicated to keeping her dream alive. But combined with the boring small town life and the pressure to "settle down", her dream seems to be fading away. I see this explained through dialogue more than action/scenes, which is not the most effective way of providing this crucial exposition. For instance, this can be shown through a hilarious/dramatic intro scene where her reckless passion for journalism shows through. Honestly, no other issues that seem to stand out. Very well-written and suspenseful script!
First off, this is a very original and creative story. Historically speaking, animated film, especially 3D animation, has been a vehicle for providing stories about inanimate objects that come to life (i.e. Toy Story, Cars, etc.). This script definitely fits into that category, and I can see audiences being thrilled and delighted by a story that takes place entirely inside a person's mouth. Because the concept is so unique and original, the theme of the story and its characters need to rise to the occasion and become as good as the concept itself. On the surface, your story is about the harrowing experience of a tooth and its fears of falling out. In screenwriting, we call this the "premise". Every script has a premise, and it is usually described as an open-ended questions. For example, the movie Robocop's premise is: "What would happen is a cop was murdered and came back to life? to avenge his death?" The premise of your script could be something like this: "What would happen if teeth could come to life and had to deal with the inevitable horror of falling out?" But there's a deeper meaning to your story, and this is called the "Controlling Idea". The controlling idea is a story's root or central idea and final meaning. Instead of describing the actual story, it describes what you're trying to say about life. This of this as a single sentence statement, describing how and why life undergoes change. Your script has a strong premise, but the controlling idea is still weak, and needs to be brought out more. From reading the script, we get the idea that the story is trying to say something about major changes in life, and how even though we believe life ends somewhere, new life begins. This is what Snaggle ultimately finds out when he witnesses his friend Chip being pull out of their mouth. One way to bring this out would be to focus less on Snaggle's dreams and more on his relationship with Chip. Somehow, you need to establish their friendship and show how close they are, and show that Snaggle, despite being a tooth, has led a very meaningful existence with his tooth friends. This will compel your audience to relate to Snaggle and his conflicting feelings. The other issue with your script is that your action descriptions sometimes tell us, rather than show us the visuals of what's going on. For instance on page 3: "Snaggle‘s worrying is causing stress. Chip offers reassurance, but Snaggle‘s convinced it’s more than nothing. He‘s panicky, scared". With screenwriting, one of the major rules is that you cannot tell your audience what's going on. You always have to SHOW them. This is trickier than it would seem, because for example, instead of telling us that" Chip offers reassurance", you have to create a scene out of it, or at least give Chip some dialogue to show him giving reassurance. When writing your action descriptions, always think in terms of writing a scene. A scene is like a mini experience within the story, that has its own dynamic. So within your scene, the characters emotions should go up and down, and arrive at a place where the next scene can pick off of. Hope this helps, and let us know if you need any more feedback!
The most standout aspect of the script is its loyalty to the series itself. This is an absolute must for a spec script, and "Firefly" is even more distinct than most TV shows, so there is more of a challenge here. There aren't many technical errors, but a tightening up of the action descriptions wouldn't hurt, if you were to consider rewriting in any way. The climax is very action-packed, and something fans would genuinely appreciate as much as any memorable episode. Some of it seems a bit convoluted at times, such as the sudden appearance of Mr. Universe. However, the Firefly series allows for this type of spontaneity to a certain extent, so the climax fortunately falls into the realm of possibility within the Firefly world. The dialogue is definitely solid all around. It's consistently quick and smart, and the switch between scenes is done in a natural way. Also, you give each character enough time to make an appearance and interact with one another in a meaningful-enough way. There isn't too much room for any development, but this should not be expected in a spec script, let alone a single episode. There isn't much more to say, which is a good thing. A strong suggestion would be to search for spec script competitions and see how this fares. Or seek out a coverage service to critique the script. It would be shocking if they did not provide a similar critique to this one. Hope this helps and good luck.
Well-written dialogue and quick-paced action persist throughout the entirety of this script which revolves around mayhem, fueled by a protagonist who is filled with conviction and vengeance. The story is also filled with light comic relief and the writer manages to weave it into the violent action scenes in a very appropriate way. The characters are diverse, and have their own backstory, which gives us more than just the protagonist to care about. These are some of the strongest points of the script, and makes for a very strong consideration for production or competition. However, there are some issues in character development and the story's overall foundation that should be addressed. This issue arises due to a lack of purpose provided for the characters in the very beginning. As the plot progresses, we eventually see the motivations of the characters and their goals. However, for the first half of the script, these things aren't so clear. Catherine is a good example. Her entry into the script is vague, and there's little foundation for the audience to accept her as a pivotal character that deserves our concern. Daniel and Riley's purpose seem a little more clear, as we are aware of the dichotomy between Daniel's eagerness to help Brother Margaret defeat the vampires, and Riley's stubborn skepticism. However, there could be more of an introduction and a development of these characters throughout the scenes. Right now, the dialogue between the thrilling action scenes are used as simple exposition of these characters. But more can be done in the beginning to give us an insight into who they are and how they arrived at the mall, where the entire script takes place. Another issue to consider is the redundancy of the action scenes. While they are entertaining, they can be a bit repetitive, with thralls appearing and being killed each time, or one character having a near-death encounter with a thrall, then suddenly they are saved by another character. I would recommend incorporating a little more diversity. For example, instead of the characters simply fighting off regular thralls, the writer could incorporate a variation of this monster. Or, an encounter with these creatures in certain scenes could be used to provide an opportunity for character development.