Duncan Vincent

Duncan V.

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DuncanVincent
Duncan Vincent 5 years ago

completed a review for

HE IS HERE short
Genre: Horror,Mystery/Suspense,Thriller
Rating: 67%
A good overall short film, but with some short comings. This piece definitely had me turning the page but overall a lot more flesh is required to make it a more enjoyable read. The characters need ironing out - they sound far too similar and there are no surprises to any of them. For example July and Lucy could easily be the same person, as could the psychiatrist and Jack's boss. Think about using a piece of personal history, such as stories about Jack, to deepen their engagements. This happens a little when Mr Brown is talking about Jack's potential as an employee, but more is needed so the reader can build a relationship with each character, and particularly with Jack. Also maybe a few more characters are required. For example what if Lucy has a friend that believes she shouldn't see Jack anymore and Jack has to convince Lucy otherwise, or maybe Mr Brown is accompanied by another lawyer who believes Jack should be dismissed (or, alternatively, stands up for him). Every conversation in the film is only between two people, one of whom is always the protagonist, making for a predictable read. How has Jack managed to keep his job all this time? Maybe a conversation with one of those who have been picking up his slack could be quite interesting? Why is Jack so disinterested in receiving counselling? Maybe he’s known people who’ve seen therapists before and not prospered from the encounter? The dialogue isn't quite smooth enough, and so doesn't really "pop" off the page. The two large conversations (with Lucy and with Mr Brown) are a bit too wordy with not enough going on to keep the reader / viewer entertained. What if Jack was thinking about the apparition while attending a sports game and that's when he decided to call Lucy? This would be more engaging and easier on the eye - more visually stimulating. The hands of the apparition need to be scarier, as does the breathing - take your time to flesh these out. It's very hard to picture floating hands so this needs much more of a detailed description. Overall though I think it does well for just 26 pages and keeps the reader intrigued throughout - a valiant effort. The reader is pulled along as to how Jack’s predicament will turn out. The idea of everything being possibly a dream is not original but it works nonetheless.
DuncanVincent
Duncan Vincent 5 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

HE IS HERE short
Genre: Horror,Mystery/Suspense,Thriller
A traumatised former lawyer feels a constant terrifying presence and struggles to understand if it is real or a product of his own mind.
DuncanVincent
Duncan Vincent 5 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!