The first slug line should have had the master slug line. Every master slug line has INT. or EXT. then PLACE then TIME. You should have started with the actual house, not the room. “FOYER – EVENING” – the time can only be DAY or NIGHT. If dusk is importance in the scene then you would label it like this “ - DAY (DUSK)” The first time your character is introduced they need to be in all caps. So SHE. Then it is lowercase after the fact. Since it is the same location an entire slugline is not necessary, especially if it is continuous. So you would put BEDROOM then start your scene. Only exception is when it is later in the story basically when you use LATER. Which would look like LIVING ROOM - LATER You misuse continuous, continuous is used when the scene takes place at the same time as the last scene. In this case, since it is one location, we won’t have this many scenes in a short period of time. So continuous is not needed. You did not introduce Mister, so as far as the screenplay goes, he does not exist. “From our view, we can only see him from the waist down. He rings the bell.” Do not direct the director. You won’t be liked for it. It’s a two page script so there isn’t much else I can say for getting to the 400 word minimum, all I can say is research how to structure screenplays. As its not horrible but it needs work. You do not describe the location or the characters, description is important as it will determine what the scene will actually look like. So describe the location and what is in every single room, all we know of so far is candles a shower and some other small stuff. And describe how the characters act, how they talk,(accent etc..) Was “SHE” being naked the draw in? there wasn’t anything that made the story interesting. I know it is short but that’s probably part of the issue, it is too short to be able to accomplish anything. Adding more detail would help with this as well as maybe not just moving on to the next scene when she is doing things such as showering or lighting candles, if it is going to be short the whole scene should be continuous to help bulk it up.
“Two bodies tumbling and rolling down a hill of tall grass. Both dressed like eighteen-hundred’s cowboys. Once they stop moving KIRK, 29, jumps up franticly looking for a stick to write calculations in the dirt.” Are they not the same people who tumbled down a hill? You would say Kirk and Olivia are going down the hill. You also only describe what they are wearing and ages, what about their attitudes? Accents? You said 1800’s so why is this relevant? Do they act like they are from the 1800’s? “about you. (Counting on his fingers) A,” include actions in actions, not parenthetics. “KIRK (Wagging a finger)” You misused the parenthetic again and put it by the name and not under it where it would go. Nonetheless, this should have been an action, not a parenthetic. “What do you think Gangues Kahn did to me?” you should know how to spell names when using historical people. Also its unclear how they want from 1100’s to the 1800’s “OLIVIA My name is Olivia. I only use Katy when I’m in this dimension.” What is even going on???. Okay…..I kind of get the idea of the story but it moves way to fast to make sense. Its like it starts in the middle of a movie you HAD to be there to believe but you missed half of it and it no longer makes sense. For some people who have lived hundreds of years they don’t talk very sophisticated. She was raped for how long in these lifes? And its just not that big of a deal? It makes no sense. “LATER – DAY” dot not use LATER unless it’s the same exact location. “They slowly regain consciousness looking around.” When did they even lose consciousness?? “One old man FRANK, 70, sits on the dirt floor smiling.” You forget to describe the character again. The amazon warriors speak English? Bro….licking and kissing the “queen”? as if the guards wouldn’t have killed him before he even touched her? The dialogue doesn’t make sense….sucking feet? Witches? Even for a scifi its just too odd…… “Warriors and the Queen EXIT:” This isn’t a play, you say they leave, its not a whole thing. “We we’re marooned on an island.” Always make sure your grammar checks out. “FRANK- Well, that was nice of him” franks went from being confused to “oh, well this makes sense” “Brock, brock/Brock, brock/Brock, brock/Brock, brock.” You mean bock? “INT. QUEENS HUT - LATER – NIGHT”- later is only used if it’s the same location. It is not. So later is not used. work on learning all screenplay rules. Work on how to dialogue stories. Do this by saying the lines out loud Make sure you double check spelling and grammar.
1- No title page, every single screenplay should have a title page, you just have the title on the first page. 2- “intro” you don’t “intro” a screenplay, you would do a voice over before you fade in. you also need to point out who is talking. Everytime. 3- No slug line. Every scene needs a slug line. 4- (Scene 1. Ralph wakes up and washes his face, brushes his teeth. Walks into the kitchen and pours a bowl of cereal, then someone knocks on the door) you can’t start a scene like this, you do a slug line, then the action, where you describe the place and the characters, so far, we know absolutely nothing of what the house looks like or what the characters look like. 5- “Ralph: Who is it? Charles: Chuck E. Ralph: Come in” this is the wrong structure for a script. I implore that you research correctly structuring and formatting your script 6- “(Charles walks in Ralph stands up they shake hands, he sits down and continues to eat. Charles sits down)” again, this is not how you structure action. 7- Sorry but at this point I have to ask if you are a native English speaker or not. Some of the sentences are formed poorly. 8- Again you do not introduce new characters, they could be anybody and anything. We need to know who these characters are. 9- Also what is up with the handshakes? These are “homies” correct? I feel that could be done better. 10- “Charles: What are you doing out so early? J.T.: What are you doing out so early?” you did this once already, doing it again makes it repetitive and slightly annoying. 11- You also need to work on some of the grammar. 12- “(They all laugh)” this just sounds odd…… 13- “Today Wednesday....I think I can be ready” not only is sentence structure mistakes it is also not very well done. He makes a exclamation that is unnecessary and makes him seem slow. 14- “Deacon: Stop playing open the door (Ralph opens the door Deacon comes in shake's everyone's hand and sits down)” you again do not introduce the character and the hand shake this is still weird. 15- “(Everyone laughs)” 16- “(They shake hands and depart ways. End of scene 1)” your whole structure is a mess but you do not announce the end of a scene. 17- “(Scene 2. Their neighborhood was a busy one, always cars coming up and down the road, children playing in the yard. If you want to find someone all you literally had to do was go outside. The scene opens with J.T. and Ralph standing outside talking about the party and his performance.” Again, do not start scenes like this and do not number them. And you only include what the audience can see. How do they know you can find someone in the neighborhood? They don’t unless you show them. so I am going to stop there.... it needs alot fo work. The story has promise, but first, learn how to structure a script. Then work on your sentence structure and English. Bad English in a script can turn people off. Imagine or imitate scenes, if it seems weird, it probably is. The handshake this is kind of questionable. ALWAYS introduce your characters with age, description of how they act and their action of how they come into the scene.
Lubu goes from annoyed to Sammy’s presence to fine with it and having conversation with him like an old friend. It just seems a little sudden. also again, goes from annoyed to concern for Sammy's safety and then going “okay you can come”. when you force relationships like this it creates a plot hole and leaves the audience confused. It just doesn’t make too much sense I also feel the relationship moves forward without any real friction, it just starts. Lubu is annoyed by Sammy's presence and seems to want to get away from him and even when Sammy gives him directions he follows Lubu for no reason and Lubu is now old friends with Sammy. the annoyance he exhibited previously is gone in less then a minute. Sammy is on his back then gets out a knife and then stabs Lubu….the problem here is, he’s on his stomach on the ground, and Lubu is standing above him. This needs to be addressed in the action. Anything seen should be on the screenplay. So HOW does Sammy stab Lubu “STABS HIM AGAIN.” you actually don’t need actions in general in caps however if you do, just the actions the “HIM AGAIN” should be lowercase. "EXT/INT. FRONT DOOR OF SUBURBAN LOOKING HOUSE - LATER" you describe the house in action not the slug line. also, you only use "LATER" when it is the same location with multiple scenes. otherwise, every scene is going to be "later" then the last. "Sammy wears a big smile, accentuated by the makeup." this should be in the action after the slug line, not after Sammy's dialogue. "EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS" "CONTINUOUS" is used when multiple scenes happen at once in terms of actions. the actions are not related in these scenes therefore you do not need continuous. Lubo’s trunk also seems to have disappeared. After its first mentioned, it’s not mentioned again. Anything mentioned with or about the character needs to be addressed throughout the screenplay You have a grasp of most screenplay rules which is good, but there is some things that need to be fixed. I also encourage you to try and find ways to move a story along more fluently without it being forced. This story was more so a short drama then a comedy, a clown being in the story doesn’t make it a comedy. I just couldn’t see any humor in the story. Sammy falling multiple times sounded more stupid(not in a negative way or to say this was bad to be in there its just not as comedic as you maybe intended.)