I think there's quite a bit of work that needs to be done on this script and the characters. The concept is decent- girl's night out gone wrong. Even though it's been done before, I think it's a good framework for an interesting story. The structure is decent as well although I think the entire thing should take place inside the club. The intro scene is unnecessary, and it could be interesting to have the whole thing take place in these different areas: main room, VIP 1, VIP 2, bathroom, etc. Then you could really describe the atmosphere of each room and it could be kind of surreal, like the seven layers of hell or something. Story-wise you need to strengthen your central conflict. It seems to me that it's mostly the jealousy between the two main girls, but it's all just a little unclear. Also, the major climax of the short is when she gets punched by a random creepy guy and it feels like it doesn't have a whole lot to do with your central conflict. This brings me to your characters and unfortunately I think they're hard to connect with. They come off as mean, jealous, and gossipy right away so I don't really like them or care about them that much. Give at least one of them a "pet the dog" moment or some relateability factor that will help the audience identify with her and root for her. We absolutely need to be rooting for her when things start to go wrong or the story will end with the audience feeling nothing. Also, you need to differentiate the personalities of your characters. Ina seemed a bit different and was honestly the most likable character, but she's only in the fist scene (I'm not even sure why she's in it at all), but the other two seemed similar. Maybe Alisa is more timid and Ivona is more take-charge, and one is rich and one isn't, but I would amplify these as much as possible and not rely on just those things to differentiate them. They should speak differently than each other, and have individual quirks that make them seem like real girls. The dialogue otherwise was pretty good, it seemed natural and true to the age demographic. Overall I'd first look at your storyline, remove unnecessary expositional scenes, hammer in your central conflict, and relate it to what's going on around them. Then I'd develop your characters. Who are we meant to root for/identify with? Are we supposed to hate them both? And if so, then what is keeping us engaged with the story? THEN sharpen up the dialogue and make the characters sound different from each other.
I think this script is pretty impactful. Your concept and story are good and the structure is great, what you're able to achieve in these few short pages is impressive. I think having the deaf character and signing instead of talking certainly adds a layer of intrigue, but you shouldn't rely on just that to bring in the originality and heartbreak. My first suggestion would be to take the devastation feeling we (the audience) have at the end even further. Make us really love and identify with Maggie. I think you started doing this with the chip moment at the beginning, but give us more. Either beef up that moment or give us a moment with her before she even enters the house. Maybe she was planning to bring him a gift? The more we love and Identify with her at the beginning, the more inclined we will be to believe her story, and the more devastated we will feel at the end. You can also do this by making Jack an even more sympathetic character. Maybe he is sobbing? The more sad or pathetic you make him the more we feel for him and once again, the more devastating the ending becomes. This brings me to my second suggestion which is to paint a more vivid picture of these two characters. I know that they are both recovering alcoholics, and that he is deaf and she is not, but who are they really, aside from those two things? What do they look like? What kind of things do they have laying around their house? What do they like to do together? Are they rich or poor? All these things and more can be shown not told, and will just give us a clearer picture of them. For example: maybe it is clear they are not well off financially which makes the whole situation more high stakes. Or maybe on the bedside table there is a photo of them in a ballroom dance competition together, that way you get an idea of why they fell in love each other and are together in the first place. These are obviously just examples, but adding little details like this could this script from good to great without adding too much extra time or pages. Put us in their specific world and you could have a really special little short on your hands.
This is a good pilot and a great structural start. I think you've nailed setup for a classic who-done-it with teenagers in the modern age. The one thing I would be careful of is falling into cliches. Shows with similar concepts already exist and I think you'll have to find a way to set this one apart from the others. I think you could do this by hammering in some more character development. Yes, on the surface these are normal high school rich kids, but what are their quirks? What makes us interested in or relate to them? And most of all what makes them fun to watch? I think you started doing this with the interesting relationship between Nolan and Ryan, and the "research" that Ivy is doing, but adding even more things like this will amp up the originality as well as the stakes. Don't be afraid to be funny or weird, the comedy element is working for you. Another way you could make the concept more original is to change the incident itself. Kids drunk driving after a party is cliche, but what if they are playing a game on an overlook and someone falls off? I just felt like I could see the "hitting someone with the car" plot point coming from a mile away. You could also structure the show so that we only see the first part of the flashback in the first episode, that way the mystery of what they actually did is revealed to us throughout the season along with the mystery of who the anonymous person is. Basically, what will make this script stand out against similar shows (pretty little liars, american vandal, etc.)? What is the big selling point? Also, nail down the tone: dramatic? tense? comedic? dark? some kind of combination? What do you want the general emotions of the audience to be throughout? I'd suggest to pick a direction and really go with it. And lastly, some of the dialogue is reading slightly unrealistic/cheesy to me. Examples: Ivy's "hands up, don't shoot" bit, or at the beginning when JC says "crap". I personally don't know many partying, murdering, high school students who'd say the word "crap" in place of a legitimate profanity. (Unless that was on purpose or part of his character which I’m not picking up on) Overall great start, I'd just inject some originality to the concept, beef up the character development and refine the dialogue.