HollandMarch

HollandMarch .

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HollandMarch
HollandMarch 5 years ago

uploaded a script.

Dude Trip! - Pilot television
Genre: Comedy
Max, the birthday boy, is going on a roadtrip with his best buddy jesse, not knowing that he will meet his dreamgirl.
HollandMarch
HollandMarch 5 years ago

completed a review for

Blind Ambition short
Genre: Drama
Rating: 40%
I think your story is refreshing an unlike other story I’ve read so far. The beginning of the Story is exciting and hectic, but I would dial this feeling of panic up a bit. The concept of following newly becoming Parents and the most intense moments is very interesting to read and the part with the Office was pretty funny. I don’t think that the logline really captures the whole story, it just describes the beginning and honestly didn’t really excite me to read the story at all. The scenes over all a written very well, although sometimes it had information in it that was just confusing because I didn’t understand how this was important for the scene or story. I think the two main characters are amazing, I think the conflict that the mother has Is very heartbreaking, but I found the friendship between Leonard and Timothy kind of weird. The conflict of a sneaky or backstabbing friend is very enticing but I found their conversations a bit boring and without personality. I would recommend making their conversation feel more like friends or tell the audience that their relationship is a bit quieter than others. Towards the end it gets better with the Ketchup-Bottle-Part, and the reveal why Leonard did what he did is very well done. The dialogue is helping the story move along and you don’t fell like the story is not going anywhere, it is very well done. The conflicts of both characters are interesting and surprisingly mundane if you think about it, but it doesn’t feel that way in this story. The reveal of Leonard was okay but I think it was overshadowed by the bomb-shell Rebecca dropped at the end.
HollandMarch
HollandMarch 5 years ago

completed a review for

The Hobo (Draft 2) television
Genre: Comedy
Rating: 53%
I think the concept is good and it really gets you thinking, but I don’t think Carl is likeable enough. Even if he gets nice at the end (script not finished at the point of reading) he is not a character i want to follow over a whole Episode or even whole Seasons. Let’s say you don’t want him to be nice because in your logline you explicitly wrote "Jerk". That’s totally fine but I think he needs some Character trait that makes him likeable or gets the audience more invested. The relationship between Carl and Stephanie is great, I especially love the part where he insults her mother and she is sitting right next to him. Jokes like that really got me, the humor of his former employees is funny too, but Carl is more mean than funny (but humor is subjective, so I respect that). I would recommend keeping the jokes in the same type of style, meaning you should choose between dry or dark humor. I think the conversations between the characters are well written and interesting. But I would recommend sometimes to be subtler like when saying to the grandma that she is old. In that situation it maybe even funnier if you let Stephanie insult her with a funny joke about how old she is. Again, my favorite conversations where between Carl and Steph, I just love there dynamic and how Stephanie sees through all the bullshit and jokes. I am not sure what the main conflict is…Because I don’t really see how the story goes from here. I mean Carl is a jerk with money and without and now that he won the lottery will become even meaner? Or does he try to get back with Stephanie with his new acquired wealth? Your scripted was really finished so maybe there will be a big conflict or maybe someone tries to steal his money. The pacing overall was okay, the beginning was very slow, but the story picks up the paste after that although the part where he actually wins could have had more build up. On the other Hand, you could say that is intentionally done because of the quick and large amount of money the lottery winner gets is kind a sudden too. To summarize my thoughts, I think Carl needs a major Character change, it is okay to make you character an asshole but we as an Audience need to be invested in him to even want to follow his live and just winning the lottery isn’t enough for that. I love Stephanie as a Character being the personification of his lost life.
HollandMarch
HollandMarch 5 years ago

uploaded a script.

Dude Trip! - Pilot television
Genre: Comedy
Max, the birthday boy, is going on a roadtrip with his best buddy jesse, not knowing that he will meet his dreamgirl.
HollandMarch
HollandMarch 5 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!