David Charlip

David C.

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DavidCharlip
David Charlip 2 years ago

completed a review for

Piece of Mind feature
Genre: Drama,Action/Adventure
Rating: 7%
Concept/Story/Structure: To start off, I am not sure what benefit is derived by posting an obviously incomplete script, however feedback is feedback and so I will do my best to comment upon what was submitted without the benefit of reading the rest of the story. Starting off with concept we have a person waking up on an island with no memory only to discover that she is not the only one who has suffered that same fate. Ok, then what? Where is the conflict? Where is the character development? Why do I want to keep watching? The story should grab the viewer in the 1st 10 pages and yet this does not. Much of the development set forth should probably be reduced to maybe 4-7 pages so that an inciting incident can be scripted to occur by page 10 that would serve to propel the story forward. Character Development: At the outset I am troubled by the fact that there is no description of GAIA , who (I have to guess at this point) is the protagonist. This lack of description is compounded by the fact that the promoun "they" is used in reference to GAIA, making the character(s) all the more indecipherable. As a visual medium, a movie, through its script, needs to convey what we are seeing on the screen. Your descriptions of action however seem to be more cerebral. For example, this paragraph of action "Gaia falls silent as they try to think hard hoping that they did know their name but nothing came to mind. They look troubled but takes a moment to return the gentle characteristic that Nine has back by asking their own questions." boils down to "Gaia is thinking." Having quoted that paragraph, I would also emphasize how annoying it is to keep having to read the pronoun "they". I say that without wanting to appear insensitive or not politically corect, but from a practical reader's standpoint it does make the reading comprehension much more difficult. The descriptions associated with the other characters also need further development Nine - "a middle-aged women"; Seven - "A very young boy"; Five & Six - " Two almost similar people" - as a reader of this script I am not very able to picture these people. Dialogue: The dialoge has a bit of a forced feeling and much of the dialogue doesn't really move the story forward.
DavidCharlip
David Charlip 2 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Piece of Mind feature
Genre: Drama,Action/Adventure
A lost and confused woman finds herself stranded on an unknown island with no memories to back her up on how she got here. The only evidence holding her up is the map she washed ashore with and the very intriguing residences that inhibit the island.
DavidCharlip
David Charlip 2 years ago

completed a review for

The Procidat feature
Genre: Horror,Thriller
Rating: 40%
Let me start off by saying that this is my first review and that horror is my least favorite genre. That said, I found this script engaging but a bit confusing. I was unclear at first who was the protagonist and what was he/she trying to achieve. There was alot of general creepiness but not a clear antagonist or plotline. The set-up and vibe was all intriguing as was the interactions between the guests and Alex and June, although June was a more well-developed character than Alex and Paulie lacks any description or development. When we learn at the end that James took Paulie's place as the "son" it might have been good to describe Paulie as a much older man to be believable as Alex and June's son. The end reveal, coming after the credits roll seemed too late placement and also was very confusing. Although I understand the reveal attempted, how James's visions and experiences tied into the ultimate story outcome does not seem to fit and raises more questions than it answers. Part of the issues I had were the fact that neither James nor Karen took the opportunity to leave when that seemed to be the obvious course of action. If the reveal at the end is to be maintained, you might want to consider creating conflict between Karen and James where she wants to leave and he want to stay. She sees the visions and he reveals that the reality is benign. Maybe through the use of a narration/interview format (True Detective) the story can come out where you ultimately reveal that it is Karen telling the tale from the prison/mental hospital. Also the basement dwelling creature was a bit too amorphous and his/her/its powers were not well defined nor was its control over June, Alex and Paulie. Overall the basic concept is good, interesting and has the potential to be scary but further script and character development is necessary to get there. Thank you for allowing me to do this review.
DavidCharlip
David Charlip 2 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

The Procidat feature
Genre: Horror,Thriller
A family on the brink of collapse tries to reconnect at a quaint Bed and Breakfast for the weekend, but a supernatural evil in the house has other plans.
DavidCharlip
David Charlip 2 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!