Blaise is a script analyst and reader for Shorescripts.com, as well as consulting privately with clients including writers, directors, producers, and actors. He also read scripts for a production company in London, TheFyzz.com. He’s also an optioned and commissioned writer currently working on two shorts with two different directors.
This is already a brilliant script. It’s got fantastic actions, great goals, a superb protagonist, and some great twists and turns and is very nearly as good as it could be. However, I would say that I didn’t fully follow all the twists and turns at the end, with the DEA, the military, and the government, and they somewhat felt that they were there just for the sake of it. Maybe bake them in earlier or slim them down a bit if possible. Over and beyond that, I would say the script needs a little more clarity in scene-setting and geography and the Alexa could be developed further, one easy way being to do this is to give her some personal stakes in the game. But overall it’s a great read and script, and I have high hopes of seeing it on screen. Best of luck with it.
You’ve got a fantastic twist here but as yet it’s not exploited to the max. I would advise leaning into and extracting the maximum amount of drama and emotion that you can from it. But also be aware that that the script must stand on its own two feet in the run-up to this twist – even without the twist it needs to be a tense and exciting story. To achieve that I would have the women trying to protect Lettie’s daughter while they make the dangerous journey to the settlement to exploit Lettie’s immunity. But it goes wrong, and maybe there’s a dilemma for Jean over who to save - Lettie’s daughter or Lettie. She chooses Lettie because of her blood immunity, (over Lettie’s protestations) and the daughter gets turned so they then have to kill her. Only for it to be revealed at the end that the condition is not permanent. I’d also try to limit the expense of the script as that will help it get made. The water tank of diesel, and setting fire to it is a big expense. Hiding and creeping around a factory for example could be just as effective dramatically. But it's great twist and executed well this could be a brilliant short.
MALLED TO DEATH was a fun read with great humor and dialogue, and interesting and unique characters though some had elements that were a little derivative. What needs thinking about is the setup and precinct. Is this primarily about The Frozen Pebble and Amanda trying to keep her shop alive or about the mall and Myrtle trying to control all the workers there? For me, using both does mean the concept feels a little confused and busy. Further to that, what are the power dynamics of the Amanda / Myrtle relationship? Why can Myrtle order Amanda around if they have different employers? And why does Amanda listen to her? While the pilot story idea works well, I would consider whether Amanda should fight back against Myrtle and save Lydia’s job rather than just doing as she is told. This sets the tone for the series and to have the hero essentially not fighting in the pilot episode does not set a good precedent. It might even be worth saving this storyline – the sacking - for another episode. The ending of the pilot implies that the main conflict might be between Stacy and Amanda. If that’s the case, Stacy should be present in the pilot episode. If you lost the sacking streamline and instead focused o the Stacy moving in next door storyline, that would allow you to introduce the main conflict in the opening episode. You could keep the camera B storyline and use it - maybe Amanda uses it to spy on Stacy’s activities and finds out about her moving in next door this way?