An award-winning writer/director, DAN PATRICK KERRY was recognized for his storytelling abilities at the age of 15, earning admission into the prestigious ArtQuest digital filmmaking program. His horror-comedy short INHUMAN went on to win awards at two state youth film festivals. After college, Dan co-founded the sketch comedy group 3EXCLAMATIONPOINT, amassing 21K+ YouTube subscribers and 3M+ views in just two years. In 2017, Dan optioned a pilot to the largest animation studio in Japan, Production I.G., landing him pitches at AMC, WME, and Netflix. At the start of 2020, Dan wrote an animated comedic pilot for a pitch to Disney Animation. Most recently he wrote a horror feature SCARE US and a comedy pilot about the glorious, no-holds-barred world of high school BADMINTON.
I liked the concept of the story - a couple unable to have kids suddenly get a kid who just appears magically from a peach. Seemed like a fun and whimsical idea for an animated film, and to that end, the script delivers on its promise. Where it could use some work is in plotting, pacing, and character. At the moment, the script is very repetitive in every facet and scenes have no narrative tension binding them together. Characters go to the river, they go home, they go to the river again the next day, they go back home, etc, etc. Of course, they go to other locations throughout the script, but whether going to river or somewhere else, nothing of consequence happens. When Sabishi goes with Sapoto to work, she gets in a conversation merely to provide the exposition to the audience that she has never been able to have children. Largely, the plotting feels very much like, "this scene happens and then this scene happens and then this scene happens" which lacks a sense of narrative discovery to keep the reader engaged. I give this note a lot, but you need to think about stories not in terms of "and this" but in terms of "but, therefore." A minor example that applies directly to your script which I'm not suggesting you use, but just doing to illustrate my point: Sabishi is asked by her husband to go to work with him. BUT Sabishi is socially anxious and doesn't want to meet new people THEREFORE When she goes with Sapoto and starts meeting new people she panics and flees the situation THEREFORE She flees to what is familiar to her - nature BUT Now she is confronted with the thing she fears more than people - being alone. This isn't what she wants and she doesn't know how to get what she wants BUT Enter the peach. The peach is huge and different and attracts her curiosity. She goes into the water to get it -- BUT The peach opens up and out pops a boy. Further, the boy is acting like she is his mother. THEREFORE Sabishi is conflicted about now having a strange child calling her mother but she can't leave the child out in the forest alone so she takes him home with her. THEREFORE When Sapoto comes home, angry that she ran off and he couldn't find her, he's thrown off guard when he sees the boy there. Weirder still, the boy says something a little too intimate like, "I guess you're my dad!" Just an example and again I'm not telling you to make this your story, but I'm just showing how but and therefore between story beats naturally creates narrative tension. Now we can imagine how Sapoto and Sabishi will have some interesting or comical conflict between them because of this new addition to their family. Also, the choices characters make when having to face conflict tell us who they are without them having to explain through exposition who they are. In terms of formatting, having all the action on the right side of the page is incorrect and should be corrected before submitting anywhere else. Most readers at production companies or talent agencies won't read past the first page with such a glaring formatting error.
When a group of freelance performers is hired to play horror characters at a Halloween party, the night turns deadly when they find themselves in a life or death game with the very people they were hired to scare.