Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this script. It had me reading faster and faster to try to get to the ending. I was irritated by the ending though. What about the missing wife? What if I never get to enjoy Episode 2? The dialog in this work was great. I quickly felt as if the characters were real and easily pictured them in my head. Fascinating story. I admit that I was skeptical because I'm not usually into reading crime pieces but I do enjoy watching crime shows and this was very similar to WATCHING rather than reading for me. Now for some areas of improvement. Throughout the first act I was completely confused. Page 9 - I am completely lost (that's one of my actual notes). I had no idea what was going on. It wasn't until Act 2 when I was able to follow the characters more closely. The lack of transitions between scenes had me going back and forth sometimes trying to figure out where Adelaide was, when was she there, and why and by that time I was confused and frustrated. By the middle of Act 2, it was smooth sailing and I was able to follow along relatively effortlessly, however, I will still have to go back to figure out who Mr. Matthews is and how he fits into everything (maybe that's more relevant for Episode 2). I'll also have to go back and figure out what the Granville house signifies. I'm guessing that's Adelaide's house but then I thought she lived in an apartment. Is that the house where she grew up? Anyway, the tone, story, and characters made everything else fall away.
Overall, the script was fairly easy to read and follow. The story line flowed from one scene to another allowing the reader to envision how it would look on screen. The concept itself was interesting in that high school kids chose to perform a musical rather than detention only because most teenagers would consider the musical a worse punishment. I'm particularly interested in how the cast members will bond more so than the actual musical production. Now to the details… The beginning where the key characters are introduced combines a character sheet with the script. These should be kept as separate documents. Example: On the first page we meet Courtney Garcia. Consider capitalizing her name only once (at the introduction) and not throughout the script. So instead of: “The car stops and the door opens to reveal a 35-year old woman, this of course (do not use ‘of course’) is COURTNEY GARCIA. She is the new drama teacher at TIDAL HIGH.” Consider this: “The car stops and the door opens. The new drama teacher of Tidal High, COURTNEY GARCIA (35 yo woman), exits.” Leave out the descriptive paragraph about Courtney. Instead SHOW her qualities through her actions and dialog. The description is good but should be kept in the Character Sheet for reference, not in the script. The script seems to change settings quite often without providing scene headings. Add more scene headings to let the reader know where and when. There is a lot of exposition in the script which made it feel a bit long-winded - especially at the beginning. The script could be easily shortened without losing its visual value. The use of “we see…” is overpowering and, in general, not advised. Instead of “We see a car driving towards a parking space”, simply say, “A car drives towards an empty space.” Same effect, less wording and more likely a reader will continue to read. While punctuation did not appear to be problematic, the sentence structure throughout the script needs improvement so that it flows naturally and is easier to understand. Many lines in the dialog require work – not in meaning but in wording, to make them more concise. Some lines of dialog felt a little awkward and unnatural. Example: Page 17: JACOB says, “And also was it the fact that Shaggy would also be in detention?” Consider the following: “And the fact that Shaggy would be in detention too?” Page 19: MASON says, “He’s outside, he is having personal problems-“ Consider the following: “He’s outside. He has some personal issues.” Regarding flow, there were some lines that were inconsistent. Example: Pages 18-19 – Courtney asks if the coach would be ok with the cheerleaders being in the musical and further stated, “You’re gonna get me killed by an angry coach.” Early in the script, the coach suggested having the cheerleaders in the musical so I doubt very much she would be angry. And a wording issue: Page 20 – Consider changing “extract” for “excerpt”.
James Bond in Long Lost Love – Review – 3 August 2020 Overall, this seems more of a Bond parody along the lines of a low budget and low talent Austin Powers movie. The writing seems over dramatic which is overshadowed by poor punctuation, lack of character introductions, and overall confusion in logic. This script, if produced might have a small cult following along the lines of films such as, “Cave Women on Mars” or “Lair of the White Worm” (which has known celebrities and was better written). This script proved very difficult to read given the lack of correct formatting, punctuation errors, and general lack of cohesiveness in the dialog. I’m not quite sure what this was about. Now to the details… Page 1 – already too much exposition. As “wind blowing gently across the trees and the clouds are wispy” can’t really be “shown”, consider removing this from the script. “… a quiet night” will suffice. Later on the page, there is more exposition. It would be difficult, or not, to show a cat with a “standing bitch face”. Page 2 – the man repeats “people of London” twice? Did he think they didn’t hear him the first time? Page 2 – Where do the “people” come from all of a sudden? Are they out in the streets? Who are these people and where are they? Page 2 – It’s rather funny to me, not sure if intended that way, when the Man answers the people’s question of “Who’s this man?”. That was nice but if this script is meant to be a drama over a comedy, that question and answer dialog is not going to work. Page 3 – What’s the setting here? What year is it? $10M does not equate to a lot of money by today’s standards. However, if Bond is watching a black and white TV, are we to assume it’s the 60s in which case $10M is a lot? Page 14 – Bond “upholsters” his gun. Not going to work. A leather grip might be nice though. Page 14 – Too much exposition. No need for “felt a sharp pain…” You can’t “show” sharp pain. Also, the same paragraph is written in present and past tenses. Should all be kept in present tense - unless in dialog and talking about the past, present or future. I though “M” was always a woman. Here M seems to be a man. Towards the end, however, M shows back up as a woman. Characters are left a mystery until specific moments. While there might be a need for this on screen, in the script the character's identity should be revealed from his / her first line. Imagine the confusion while trying to have a table read or casting call.
Teen Gods – Review – 3 August 2020 Overall, I would rate this script 3 out of 5. Some of the dialog is bit forced even if supposed to be a teen show. Although the setting is high school with occasional mature elements and actions, based on the dialog, the demographic that would watch this show would be younger viewers, early teens, pre-teens. Of course, some of the content is not suitable for that age so there is a slight imbalance between content and dialog. The amount of exposition is bordering too much. While a vast majority of the script was able to “show” which is great, some “telling” here and there was evident. One nagging question I have is why are the Gods there in the first place? This was only briefly hinted at and never really answers that question. Zeus is gone. Where did he go? Did he banish everyone to earth? Is he renovating Olympus so they’ve been relocated? What happened? I particularly liked the flashback of Aphrodite and Hercules. It would be played out well and leaves room for witty banter / improv aside from the witty dialog. Cast right, the actors could easily make that one of the more memorable scenes. I also liked the plot twist at the end. Although I knew Ares was involved with Brian somehow, I would not have guessed that Athena would be tangled up in the mix. That was well done. Now to the details… Only on page 2, this seems like a pre-teen drama. The line where Jenna asks Malcolm, “Would you be my Valentine?” Perhaps consider a dialog more associated with high school age kids unless both are “charmed” by Aphrodite. Mother Hera says, “This helps with better bowel movement.” Should it be “movements”? Also, where does the bowel movement comment come from? Is she referring to Lady Hecate latest task for Aphrodite or does it have more to do with Aphrodite’s sitting position on the couch? It is not clear how this would be a natural response. On page 7, you detail Aphrodite’s sitting position. I suggest removing that to make your script read easier and quicker without that as a distraction. I like the flashback with Aphrodite and Hercules. Well done and would be good to see in action. When ending the flashback, clearly state “END FLASHBACK” instead of using “Present”. Please change “Daddy Zeus” for something like, “Dad” or even “Daddy” as childish as that sounds. “Daddy Zeus” seems more like Daddy Warbucks or something and provokes an image of an older version of Dale from Dale and Tucker vs. Evil. Not an image Zeus should elicit. Page 20. Hera’s comment on Medusa really does not make sense. I understand that one must suspend belief for a story to work, however, some things should be factually consistent. As Medusa did not “mature” into having snakes, it makes no sense that Aphrodite would “turn out like Medusa”. Also on Page 20, I think it would be better if Aphrodite read the details of Mary Winstead out loud for her mother to hear and then show her the phone. The actor could add expression in the reading. Nice twist at the end with Mary being Athena. I caught on that Mary was being directed by Ares but not until the very end right before it was revealed that Athena is Mary. Great twist and not foreseeable (by me anyway).