A Univeristy graduate 2020 who earned a bachelor's degree in Media Productions, my main focus during my final year was screenwriting and deconstructing the characters of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest for my dissertation For now I am am aspiring writer who has a mind full of ideas in which I'm excited to get down on paper and hopefully share it to the rest of the world
This script is about a man who has recently gotten the news that he made partner for a company he works for, however he doesn't look as excited as many would be. We see the life of the man going home to a loving wife who in a brief appearance looks like she supports and appreciates her man, but he still doesn't show much emotion. We take a trip down memory lane as he goes to his childhood home and starts having conversations with his past selves. We learn about the man's past such as his life living with a dying mother, an abusive father and feeling like he couldn't amount to anything in life. The theme is impactful as it explores the life of a depressed individual, a n illness that has effected millions, the approach on the man talking and reexperiencing his past is insightful and an interesting way to tell stories, this does get confusing however as the names of the character's make it hard to read and hard to understand.
The concept of this script I really like because it's the kind of thing I like watching. This is partly because I can relate to these kinds of things, but also the characters are real and I sensed that realness when reading this script. 12 pages to me feels TOO short for this short (ironic), it's not until page 8 when things get spicy and by that time it has finished. Something that I had in the back of my mind was, what if whilst Michael is driving he is pulled over by police and is asked for a licence but he hasn't got any and due to John being under the influence means they are escorted to the station, this give a chance for Michael's character to develop, I see at the end he is on John's side saying everything was fine when it wasn't, so from the station what if he rings his mum but keeps it under wraps that John got done? I do feel with this topic and the things you've introduced such as these pill bottles there is a lot of room to explore these areas, Michael could question what the pill bottle is for and John could get a bit aggressive with him. I was intrigued to learn what the pill bottles were for but I didn't get the answers, I see it does a dramatic effect on his health, but what is he consuming? I do like the characters and by reading the dialogue i can feel that realness that I like to see in these dramas, one thing I did find a bit iffy was the mother's dialogue to Michael saying 'I love you, dude.' Now my mum has called me dude before but I don't think any mother would say I love you, dude, that's something you'd say to your friends, she should say 'I love you, Michael.' That's more motherly. I know this might be stereotypical so if you dont take it on board then fair enough, but with Michael being 14 years old I feel he'd be a little annoyed with his mother going on about 'being safe' and 'give me a call' you'd expect a teen to be like 'ok, god mom, I get it' and when she goes in for a hug he could feel a little embarrassed even if it is only in front of his dad. All in all it is a strong start and I would be open to reading future drafts because I do see potential in this.
The Bond character that everyone knows and loves seems to have been lost in translation with your rendition of the character. A lot of his dialogue doesnt scream 'Bond' to me, the excessive swearing can be toned down significantly, plus the scene with the clown is very unnecessary, do we care if Bond likes clowns or not? The concept of Blofeld having a mind control machine is interesting, but the structure it is told in is very confusing and very jarring. The scenes where more and more villains show up was like 'what's... happening???' I feel if M mentions Blofeld is alive AND so are Goldfinger, Dr. No etc. Then the scene where the villains discuss their plans against Bond can be structured better Considering this is a Bond short theres next to no action in it, if you extend the funeral action or add a fight scene somewhere then you could be golden, even if said fight scene occurs in his dream. In page 5 the dialogue exchange between Moneypenny and Bond is very confusing, I didnt know what they were talking about and felt I didnt get an answer to what Moneypenny was hinting at, if you either spend time having the dialogues longer instead of very fast, one sentence answers then these confusions can be avoided. The characters are not distinctive, if I cover the names of the characters and read the dialogue I wouldn't know who is talking, if you watch the previous Bond films again, note how Dr. No speaks, how Blofeld speaks etc. Because then you're able to adapt that in your script because right now everyone sounds the same. Again I do like the concept of mind control and having Bond see things that are not really there, I feel you need to add more action lines explaining this because I didnt know if Bond was in dreamland or reality, plus I dont get the funeral stunt, Bond was pronounced dead... but isn't? And it's because Q did something? That baffled my brain up good
A man finishes his last job for his organisation, but his retirement is stalled when he tries to save a damsel in distress.