Ellynn Mayo

Ellynn M.

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EllynnMayo
Ellynn Mayo 3 years ago

completed a review for

The Sleepover short
Genre: Drama
Rating: 87%
This is a touching story, and it hits home for me personally. The world needs more LGBTQ+ stories, and this one addresses something so important and sad: children with Queer parents often face discrimination from the outside world, even though it may not be their personal orientation. I think the simplicity of this story is what makes it so powerful. Sometimes, when you're using characters in a specific area (for example, southern/rural), it's helpful to read your dialogue line-by-line to make sure it matches the dialect of that area. There were parts that confused me because the speech didn't seem particularly southern. I think Tim's reaction could be a bit more powerful when he sees the women together. Maybe he calls his grandma and asks to be picked up? Something that speaks to the discomfort he feels by seeing this couple. I don't know how realistic it is for him to continue to sleep there, because I know lots of teenage boys joke about not wanting to "catch the gay." This might really sell the point. I love how you backtrack and explain why Tim doesn't speak to Matthew – that's what keeps us interested. Wonderful story.
EllynnMayo
Ellynn Mayo 3 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

The Sleepover short
Genre: Drama
A boy’s friendship is forever changed after a sleepover reveals the truth about his home life.
EllynnMayo
Ellynn Mayo 3 years ago

completed a review for

Uncle Buddy feature
Genre: Action/Adventure
Rating: 80%
The typos are a little bothersome. You have some run-on sentences and words that don't belong, and that can be off-putting for a professional. Think about it like a book: if you're reading a book with mistakes in it, does it make you want to keep reading? No, it makes you think that the author put out a rough draft. Always triple and quadruple check. I love your world building. The visual descriptions are great – I can see the creatures you've invented. Some of their dialogue is a little obvious, for example, "he's a little guy, so he's really easy to overlook." You might do well to eliminate similar sentences like that. I think the element of surprise in that scene is enough anyway. There are some really creative word plays in here, like "here ya go, fuzz nuts!" It made me laugh. Traditionally, this is something I wouldn't read. I think what made me want to read it was how outrageous the world was on the first page. It took me a second to get used to the oddity of it, but then I appreciated the story more. Some lines just don't play. For example, "What? You love working with me. The adventures. The near death experiences. The laughs." It feels like you're outlining, just a bit, how the audience should view the movie. Not sure if it works. Buddy has a very Han Solo feel, and it's really endearing. His character is well-developed, so I appreciate that. He is consistent throughout. Sometimes speech is a little repetitive, so make sure your characters aren't saying the same things twice. "Flying fungus." Hilarious! You have some epic quips in here! I would be careful about delivering the message outright. This quote specifically: "A little like me but it’s ain’t right. Things shouldn't be like that. Everyone should just do things because it's the right thing to do. Not because you'll get something in return. The thing is when you start to let things run your life you'll never be happy." That's a blatantly obvious message. It might be interesting if you show Tippy at some point, frustrated that Buddy left her behind and kidnapped her son. It would be funny, at least. The whole Mary Jane thing is absolutely comedy gold. Aliens high on Earth drugs? Beautiful. As important as it is to see setbacks and how the characters overcome them, it's just as important to see those characters have a win from time to time. Keep that in mind. Henry is adorable! Each new character that you introduce makes the audience feel a certain way, and I think that's your strength here. I may be repeating myself, but your characters are extremely likable (or hateable), and it's wonderful to read them. I think showing blood/violence takes away from the comedic story. Not that it should be deleted, but it just changes the vibe a little bit. Laser pointers and cats are never not funny! I can see this moment so clear, and it's probably the best part of the script. Tippy is WAY too calm when Buddy finally calls her. If I was a mom and my brother kidnapped my son, I would be absolutely FURIOUS. It's not quite believable enough for me. I think this plot is good, but when in doubt, remember that every line should contribute to the overall vibe of comedy. I enjoyed the ending. Well done!
EllynnMayo
Ellynn Mayo 3 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Uncle Buddy feature
Genre: Action/Adventure
Pursued by deadly space kittens, the cosmos’s most notorious idiot and his nephew find a hidden stash of weed during their efforts to save the last members of a dying race of alien pugs.
EllynnMayo
Ellynn Mayo 3 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!