While internal thoughts work well in short stories, oftentimes they don't translate well to scripts. Scripts should be more about what the audience can directly see and hear. The audience is stuck in James Jones' head for longer than they should be. The idea of the dual perspectives of Young James and James Jones is great. However, the older James ends up narrating too much and takes away from the dialogue and scenes in front of us. There can be some internal dialogue on his part, but scripts should typically focus more on the scene itself to achieve the greatest impact. Additionally the dialogue here feels clunky. Most of the phrases the characters say do not sound like natural speech. There is uniqueness in what they are saying, but it is detracted by how it is said. Many sentences are long-winded, too direct, too revealing of excess exposition and plot. The audience should uncover truths over time, not be fed them at the introduction of each new character. Again, these characters have the potential to be very intriguing, but they instead tell us too much and show not enough. Maybe instead of stating things explicitly, you work on showing and generating suspense and fear gradually. The transitions and plot twists are confusing rather than impactful. Many of the dramatic, emotional, and scary moments come across as humorous, weird, or confusing.