Conor Ryan

Conor R.

Ranking
Fade In
Reviewer Rating
Scripts
0
Reviews
1
Scripts
Activity
ConorRyan
Conor Ryan 4 years ago

completed a review for

Devil's Creek feature
Genre: Horror,Thriller
Rating: 33%
Devil’s Creek is a fun romp through a bunch of staple horror flick set ups. We have a wise cracking duo at the centre of the action, who get pulled into all sorts of crazy situations by disturbing, drug dealing Satanists, and we’re given a rewarding sting in the tail at the very end. Our main protagonist, Lee, is someone we can root for – he’s got the right mix of smart assedeness and likability. He and Jones clearly like each other and have known each other a while, and it works well that Lee doesn’t always win his arguments, e.g. with Christina. I sometimes got lost in the conversations with Jones, mainly because their names look too similar (AGENT Lee and AGENT Jones) – just call them Lee and Jones and it’ll be easier to read, as you’d be surprised how little attention people pay to names, which is why it’s good practice for each character’s name to start with a different letter. It’s a pity, because they had some nice moments, especially the hug early on, as both seemed to have fun with that conversation, rather than Lee simply making fun of Jones, which a lesser script would have done. Similarly, Ricky was nice and weaselly, so filled a fun role in the story. However, the Christina/Priestess part didn’t quite work for me. Yes, it’s a nice twist that she’s the baddie, but as Priestess she’s completely joyless and serious, so the audience has no hint at what’s to come. Similarly, the way in which Ricky guesses, while funny, isn’t fair – she’s wearing a robe so huge that we don’t know who she is, yet he can identify her nice butt under it? Consider bringing the audience into the secret MUCH earlier, that way it won’t feel like a cheat. Related to this, we hear too much about her looks. If she’s young and in a Hollywood movie, there’s an assumption that she’s beautiful unless we’re told otherwise, so to keep reminding us of her beauty is a bit much. The fact is, she could be a REALLY interesting character even without the repetition of her hourglass figure, so you do the script a disservice by repeating it. As a matter of fact, you could have a lot of fun with the whole notion of her ass being her distinguishing feature – maybe if Lee had no idea who she was but, man… there’s something familiar about the shape of that butt! The cult was a bit problematic for me. The script would benefit from having a more well developed sense of who they are and what they’re doing – currently they seem like a bunch of insane devil worshippers who’ve brainwashed a bunch of teenagers (nice, I like it!), who are also serious drug dealers, which kind of compromises them. For example, the Priestess is interrupted from a crucial human sacrifice by a lackey to check out the state of a shipment, this made it unclear about what sort of organisation it is. Any human sacrifice I’ve been part of would need something far more urgent to disturb the process! Although the start was quite pacey, and you jumped between the various groups enough to keep things moving, several scenes dragged for me. Anything with Kirk killed the pace – yes, he’s a funny character, but he’s too much of a stoner to be interesting when Lee is fighting for his life. I like his EDM approach to plant culture, but make if you have to make him a druggie, give him uppers instead of pot, and he’ll be way more fun and energetic! Similarly, although he was one of our main characters, the lament for Jones goes on too long. Yes, it’s terrible he’s dead, but Lee is still fighting for his life here. Related to this, we had something similar for Joshua’s death, and he certainly didn’t earn it, nor did he earn either Ricky or Lee feeling sorry for him. We haven’t seen Joshua for 70 pages – well over an hour of screen time for a character that made no impact -- so most viewers won’t remember him – he got what he deserved, so let’s move on! We often get too much character description, e.g. “tough old school Marine veteran who plays by his own rules”, would we really know all this just from looking at him? Sure, I’ll buy that he had been a Marine and still looks the part, but the other part is a bit too much. If we can’t see it on screen, don’t put it in the script. There are several instances like this where we’re told something rather than shown it, e.g. p28 “immediately scans the room where he sees various chemical substance used to make Methamphetamine”; ask yourself what would we see? All the viewers would see is a bunch of chemicals, so don’t tell us these guys are making meth. On the same page “Ricky Tan is terrified because he can hear but can’t see…”; again, ask yourself, what does the viewer see? Your script is scary enough, show us HOW he reacts, not what he’s thinking. While I liked the script and Lee, ultimately Devil’s Creek isn’t different enough to stand out. Ramp up what you have that’s different – the Lee/Jones relationship, the fact that your big bad is a female, and don’t be in love with the stuff that slows it down, specifically Kirk and any scene where a character laments too long after the death of another. The end was GREAT. It surprised me, but felt fair. Well done Below are notes I made while reading it, which include things I liked and parts that confused/annoyed me – when someone reads my work, I want to hear EVERYTHING, so I assume you’re similarly masochistic! I also marked up the PDF for typos etc. – not many, just 19, but you’re welcome to it if you’d like. p5 Tells us too much about the guys, seems cliched 6 If Lee if Asian tell us when we see him 9 a bit too much exposition from Jones Lee hug was funny 10 Christina’s description is OTT Is her name Christina or Tina? 14 Christina/Lee interaction is very funny What is the break into 2A? 27 Would the viewer know what the chemicals were specific to meth? 28 Don’t tell us how he feels, just show us what we can see 29 What’s mysterious about him? Was it really such an emergency for the High Priestess to leave? We can hear way too much of what Jones says 50 Nice touch that Tabitha is Robert’s daughter 51 Funny line about the ass, but isn’t she wearing a long cloak? 54 Goes on too long 57 Not clear who Lee is talking about 61 Too much stoner talk, it kills the pace. It’s funny with Ricky tries to take a hit, but that’s all you need 69 How did Lee know it was Christina? Did he really recognise the ass too? 75 DJ remark was funny the first time, but only use it once 77 We haven’t seen Joshua for almost 70 pages, more than an hour in screen time, so this won’t have much impact on viewers 79 Joshua’s death goes on and on. He hasn’t earned this much screen time. Would Lee really feel bad? It’s kill or be killed, man! 88 This block of text is way too long Nice end!

ConorRyan
Conor Ryan 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Devil's Creek feature
Genre: Horror,Thriller
Two DEA agents chase a suspect into the forest and stumble upon an urban legend, now they must survive the night and expose the terrifying truth behind the urban legend.

ConorRyan
Conor Ryan 4 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!