Patrick Doherty

Patrick D.

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PatrickDoherty
Patrick Doherty 4 years ago

completed a review for

Till death do us part short
Genre: Horror
Rating: 53%
The concept is interesting. You are quickly drawn into the story which obviously is essential given that the script is a short one. The scenes are well-written overall, with possibly some scope for tightening up the first half page, ideally cut down on the early action description set up regarding the shower scene which is a little dragged out. The scene where the dad confront the bickering girls is very well written. This scene will be familiar to so many people and the to and fro of the argument between the girls is very believable. It rings true, particularly the ‘you always take her side’ comment and the fact that the dad is stuck in the middle and he leave them both feeling mad at him. The dialogue here is particularly good. The main character, Stan, is both believable and sympathetic. All he seems to want is a bit of peace after a hard day at work, but somehow his daughters and his wife conspire against him and deny him this simple wish. You care about him and identify with this very basic wish and sympathise with his desire to just have a little quiet so that he can take his shower in peace. The fact that you care about Stan means that you can identify with his wish to have a peaceful life which is only heightened when his wife adds to his woes by confronting him about his lack of help around the house saying all he does is work. The conflict comes across as real up to a point - scenes like this are familiar to most families, with arguments over seemingly minor household chores. You feel for him and this sets us up for having some sympathy for his murderous fantasy to rid himself of his family. However, this is where there is a bit of a stretch: does the conflict set up enough of a reason for Stan to kill his family in cold blood – even if it is only a fantasy? It is certainly dramatic but I think the audience might struggle to see the build up leading to the actual ending as it unfolds. Having said that, this is just a matter of opinion and overall this a script that is well set up, reads well and has good dialogue and a nice twist at the end which you may or may not find satisfying.

PatrickDoherty
Patrick Doherty 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Till death do us part short
Genre: Horror
A disgruntled husband plans his revenge on his family while someone makes plans for him.

PatrickDoherty
Patrick Doherty 4 years ago

completed a review for

Top Shelf feature
Genre: Comedy,Romance,Action/Adventure
Rating: 20%
Concept - The concept of the angst ridden teenage outsider who longs to be part of the in crowd is a fairly common one. Even more so when there is a perfect cheerleader type who embodies the cool crowd and acceptance and is all that he really wants. The same day happening over and over again has also been done before, but this time it revolves around a hockey game which is a little different. Story – The story is a good natured coming of age type story. Structure – The ‘Groundhog Day’ type story line is definitely difficult to pull off. The repetitious nature of the script – which is of course a necessary part of the story – makes reading the script difficult and means that there is an unusual feel to the structure of the script. Characters – It is hard to empathise too much with Price the main character of the story, especially early on. Later he says he has aspergers (but does he?) and is bullied which evokes some sympathy for him but early on he simply comes across as an annoying character who whines a lot. Why would the older cheerleader type show any interest in him? Louisiana seems an unlikely character for this reason. The other characters, especially Kent and the Mom are more believable. Dialogue – Overall the dialogue is decent but it needs to be tighter. Some exchanges go on for too long and are not necessary to the plot e.g. the 2 pages of the family in the restaurant ordering food could be cut to half a page. Problem with Main Character or hero – you don’t really empathise with him early on in the script which is essential. This is because he is just whining and complaining. More obstacles need to be put in his way or he needs to suffer more from outside (not within) to gain our sympathy and have us identify with his struggle. If he does indeed have aspergers we need to find this out early on in rhe script. Some of these obstacles appear later on in the script but this is the wrong place for them. Conclusion - Overall, this is a reasonable story but It could be improved I think by tightening it up and cutting out some unnecessary long scenes. We need to see actions happening to Price that evoke sympathy rather than just hear from him about how bad his life is.

PatrickDoherty
Patrick Doherty 4 years ago

completed a review for

Devil's Creek feature
Genre: Horror,Thriller
Rating: 47%
Concept - The concept of people disappearing in the woods is a standard horror story, but mixing it up with a sort of buddy movie is a bit different. Story – The story is good overall and interesting. Structure – Mixing the buddy movie format with the Horror aspect of the cult works in many ways but maybe at the expense of focusing on the cult and building more tension around this. Characters – some like the DEA agents are developed more than others. Maybe there should be a bit more detail about some of the characters in the cult also, in particular the High Priestess, the Main Antagonist. The characters introduced on page 8 (YouTubers and Ranger Smith) only appear for one scene and are not seen again, so even though the scene is good it doesn’t add too much to the story or at least you would expect to see more of them. Dialogue – Overall the dialogue is good but there are a few scenes where characters are in danger when the dialogue isn’t as good or as believable. There is overuse in particular of capitals to describe shouting or urgency in the dialogue. This is distracting when you read the script as there often isn’t any reason to do this. If it was used only when really necessary it would be more effective. WTF and OMG are used a number of times when characters are in real danger and it doesn’t feel right. When Michael shouts at Sarah to run in the opening scenes he says OMG! RUN SARAH RUN! Then later when he is impaled on a pitchfork he says WTF? Why? Why are you doing…? In both cases it would seem more natural to leave these expressions out or replace them with a simple ‘fuck’, shit, etc. Problem with Main Character or hero - There is a problem with the main (remaining) character as in the scene where AGENT JONES is killed it seems that AGENT LEE looks indecisive and slow to react. By the time he does react Jones is dead. Why didn’t he burst in to the room earlier? Maybe some sort of obstacle could be shown to prevent him from acting in time. Also his grieving after his partner’s death is dragged out a little too much. Conclusion - Overall, this is a reasonably good script. It could be improved I think by tightening it up a little and getting it closer to 90 pages. There are opportunities to raise the tension in places also that could be built on possibly.

PatrickDoherty
Patrick Doherty 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Top Shelf feature
Genre: Comedy,Romance,Action/Adventure
A socially-awkward hockey player is forced to relive the day of his championship game over and over again until he wins.

PatrickDoherty
Patrick Doherty 4 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Devil's Creek feature
Genre: Horror,Thriller
Two DEA agents chase a suspect into the forest and stumble upon an urban legend, now they must survive the night and expose the terrifying truth behind the urban legend.

PatrickDoherty
Patrick Doherty 4 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!