Concept Having a demonic presence in the script, i.e. “The Metal” influencing the main character to do despicable things is absolutely welcome. It is efficiently woven throughout the story culminating in Jeff doing some crazy things to the judges. But we could’ve definitely used some more conflict between Jeff and The Metal. Not only would it create some interesting banter but it would also provide Jeff with some much-needed internal struggle and thus, give him an emotional journey to go on (I’ll touch on this more in the character section). Nevertheless, I think the concept has good potential. Story The story is pretty standard in so far as we’ve seen the “I did really bad on my first audition, only to walk back in and amaze them” trope. The unique spin you put on it is the climax which definitely should be preserved (maybe have Jeff actually kill every judge and then realize how horrible The Metal has made him?). In all honesty however, not much *happens* in the script from a plot perspective. I think if you honed in the character dynamics a bit more, then it would tug the story into some new directions. The story also doesn’t contain any stakes, i.e. what happens if the protagonist fails? The stakes don’t have to be “world-ending” so to speak, but having something there is better than nothing. For example, if Jeff doesn’t nail the audition and get the part, he’ll have to go back to his crappy day job or he won’t be able to afford his mother’s healthcare bills (or whatever else). I think the script would be far more investing and suspenseful if there were genuine stakes to the whole ordeal. Structure The script follows a pretty simple three act structure, but if there was more escalation in terms of the conflict, it would enhance the structure quite significantly. The second act i.e. Jeff attends the audition only to be rejected, contains virtually no escalation in conflict. Have Jeff protest the judges more and have him slowly be consumed by his ego and after enough of a verbal fight, he starts scheming on how to get back at them i.e. it’s not about the music anymore; it’s about revenge. And then of course, the third act is him going berserk. Character This is, sorry to say, the weakest aspect of the script. If you fine-tune the Jeff-Metal dynamic, it could easily elevate the entire story. Have each character be separate entities with their own goals. This can not only lead to some funny banter between the two, but also some much-needed conflict/stakes. I understand the constraints of a short film, and that “developing” the characters may be quite hard, but ultimately, all you really require is to give each character a want and a need. Their want is an external goal they’ve set for themselves, and their need typically revolves around realizing how misguided their initial want actually was. They realize this need throughout the story, and thus, by the end, are a changed person. Given that this is a short, these wants and needs don’t have to be overly complicated, but nonetheless go a long way into making the characters more three dimensional. If you can figure out what Jeff wants/needs, as well as The Metal, and figure out how these clash with one another, you’ve got yourself the makings of a great script! Dialogue Much of the dialogue here is serviceable, i.e. works fine for what the script is. I can’t really comment too much on it however. This is because if you follow through on the Story/Structure/Character changes, the dialogue will naturally have to change as well. Truth be told, dialogue should be the last thing you try to fix because it really is icing on the cake. For example, Aaron Sorkin is known for his amazing dialogue, but nobody ever talks about his great structuring of scenes, deep character moments, and his knack for creating conflict. It’s most important to fix the foundations of your story first i.e. plot/structure/character than coming up with witty dialogue. Overall, I think you have a great concept here and if you flesh out your characters more, the script can get very interesting indeed. Best of luck!
An ex police officer, while trying to reconcile his past with his present, searches for an elusive murderer across space and time.
A young woman, living in a totalitarian, all-female empire, decides to reject continuing her mother's ruling legacy and joins an underground rebellion aimed at taking down the regime once and for all.
After being forced to live with his inimical and distant aunt, a sex-addicted orphan teenager must overcome his disease of the mind while dealing with the academic challenges of high school and a broken heart from failed romance.