Overall I think this is a strong script, the biggest issue I have is that the premise is "Psycho" verbatum, I would recommend maybe actually having Jane be starting her first day at the job, and planning on squatting in the hotel maybe, because I think the on the run aspect works nicely. I took notes as I read. Page 1 The script immediately creates fantastic atmosphere and tension. Page 2 Fantastic non-verbal storytelling, Jane feels like a rich character already. I'm very intrigued by the attention to the decor. Page 3 Paranthetical should be underneath the character. I always break up my action blocks, keeping them to 1-3 lines makes them much easier to digest. The use of sound when she is looking at the beach painting is fantastic. Page 4 Jane in the bank should be an entirely new scene with an entirely new slugline. page 5 Parantheticals should rest on their own line above the dialogue, and below the character. I'm not sure why she is hiding the body, give a reason why she wouldn't just call the police. Page 6 Specify who is touching her face and hair. The old man is a really intriguing character. The dialogue works well enough, nothing too flashy. Page 7 Another overlong action block. The use of memory triggers is fantastic. Page 8 The man revealing himself is handled really well. Page 9 The dialogue works really well here. Page 11 Jack is a very well written and intimidating antagonist Page 12 The split screen flashback and the last line especially feel very heavy handed, tone it back a little. Also try and explain a little more about what Jack is doing at the hotel, is he just a mugger or is he Norman Bates
The script is well written, a tight simple story, that is engaging and interesting to read, and would fit really well in a short festival. The concept is quite good, if a little cliche, this is something that happens quite often, but it is still done very well. The characters are well written and well rounded, specifically Diane and Scott have a very real relationship that makes the story quite engaging. The story is structured quite well, its kept simple and easy to follow, you allow the audience to find the twist just as the story gets there. the characters all develop very well, however I think Diane deciding she doesn't want the divorce feels just a tiny bit abrupt, and that comes to another point, Doc needs a minute to establish a status quo before he starts going crazy. He needs a minute to seem normal, or maybe Diane and Scott maybe mention his accolades or something, thinking that he is the other doctor, just something that makes the character feel normal before he jumps off the deep end. The only other problem I think it has, is a couple of lines feel really expositional, just some of Scott and Diane's speechifying could be shaved and tightened a bit.
Two Highschool students grapple with the losses they face following an immense tragedy.
A teenager who has struggled with powerlessness his whole life receives an inheritance that changes everything
3 freinds, one who's fed up with an awful boss, one who wants to get the girl, and one with nothing better to do take matters into their own hands
Ben comes to the Fast Lane bowling alley everyday after school, partly because he idolizes amateur bowler, Jenny "The Comet" Cornell, and partly to escape some dark past.