The script is boldly imaginative and clearly has come from a writer who has spent an impressive amount of time considering every minutia of the fantasy world they have constructed. This helps the worldbuilding of the piece to feel more effective and immersive. The prose is well crafted throughout and effectively uses visual language to paint a clear, cinematic sense of what the show's finished aesthetic will be. The dialogue is well crafted throughout the pilot. Characters each speak in distinct and recognizable voices that suit their established characterizations nicely. There was a wonderful sense of the fantasy world and period built into the characters' speech, making it feel effectively removed from our own reality. There is some good initiative shown at worldbuilding and an interesting metaphor about the events of the script being a story within a story, but this could perhaps be expanded upon more to reveal something deeper about the knowledge possessed by Wren or the secrets he is trying to unlock. The action scenes are also exciting and also help to further advance the plot and reveal more about the world of the story. There is a growing demand for epic fantasy series - both animated and live-action in the wake of Game of Thrones ending and a race to find out who will be the next one. However, it’s also easy to end up being accused of just being a GoT knockoff, so some of the basic mythology and worldbuilding could probably be improved to create an environment that isn’t quite like anything we’ve seen before - both the basic landscape - whether largely seaside, sylvan, or mountainous regions, as well as architecture and even the cultures and religious beliefs that make this civilization unique, and the basic rules for how fantasy works in this world - the rules for magical powers and their limits, as well as what mythical beings exist, such as the giants, and how their existence is possible in order to make-believe in this world possible. It can also work as a parody of sword and sorcery, but this would have to be reflected in changes to the plot as well - perhaps Jhon is captured rather than slain by the mysterious forces at work. Perhaps the best way to clarify this for yourself is to understand what demographic you’re most hoping to win over and what their tastes are.
This screenplay is not structured correctly or formatted correctly. The scene headings do not accurately describe the location because they are often missing the time of day in the story. I am not sure if this is an error in the upload or just a general error in format and structure. I deeply encourage the writer to read as many produced screenplays as possible and do their best to emulate their favorite ones. If I did not know the story of The Wizard of Oz, and if this were my first introduction to the world I would not have as clear a picture as I think Frank Baum would have wanted. When doing a remake or a rendition of a well-known piece it is still important to be as vividly descriptive as the original work. This screenplay lacks a lot of scene descriptions and that is an essential part of story-telling in a screenplay. The songs in this version are fun and cleverly written and they are enjoyable to read. The songs are also fun to imagine. This is another area in the screenplay that needs more description. This draft feels more like a staged musical script than a screenplay. A lot of the dialogue feels stunted. I think that there can be more room for originality in the character's voices than is already present. Most of the characters in this screenplay are well-known and loved by many, and their stories are just as well-known. When the new version of the old characters don't arc in the same manner or do not arc, it leaves the reader unfulfilled and a little bit disappointed. This draft is tough to read and follow without a working knowledge of the preexisting intellectual property of The Wizaed of Oz. The world is not described well enough to have a sense of where you are. Because the script is not properly formatted, the action sequences are not adequate enough to bring the reader into a world that we already know is so vivid, colorful, delightful, and fanciful. This screenplay at 36 pages in length also is not a feature lenght screenplay and might be better catergorized as a short.
The first thing is that the screenplay that this is based on is currently owned and the IP is not in the public domain. So this script would be incredibly hard to get made. Immediately there are issues with the action sequences. The action sequences do not paint a vivid enough picture of the world in which the story exists. Even more so, a lot of the sentences are not formed correctly. In the opening scene, we close in on the USA but in the very next scene, we are in London. That is very confusing. "We fall onto a castle. An old castle form years ago, 1500's." The structure of these shots doesn't make for the easiest read and I don't think that it clearly gets across the vision. There need to be character descriptions for every character, and those go in parentheses. An example would be "VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN (height, hair color, and length, eye color, disposition, etc). Without the proper character descriptions, the reader does not have a clear idea of what the characters look like. The dialogue seems very general and watered down. For the purposes of a remake, I do agree that is important to make each of your characters sound unique from the original content, but creatively I don't think that was accomplished in this draft. There are numerous grammatical errors that need to be addressed in this draft. It's also best to avoid camera shots and directorial suggestions in a screenplay. The best way to accomplish giving the reader what you want them to see is by describing it in detail, with as few words as possible in the action sequences. That is what makes screenwriting an art. I think that this screenplay is well on its way to being very good and there are only a few minor things that need to be corrected just in these first 25 pages, but once that is done and when the script is continued on in the same fashion, it will be a great script. Adapting a screenplay is not an easy thing to do, I encourage the writer to continue working hard!
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