To begin with, the concept is very interesting. The idea of the sterility that touches mankind is a good one and how the government could handle it is really fascinating. The logline is okay, I don't think that the one I provided is better but I'm not sure for a producer. The first ten pages go straight into her dream and it's interesting but after that, I think we stagger a little bit too much around her laying in bed and Ciera making her understand that she needs to take her life into her hand. In terms of scenes, there are lots of scenes a bit confusing P9 Her colleague save her, she said thank you and then apologize saying it wasn't her fault. Maybe her colleague looked at her a certain way or act but you didn't show us in the action lines. P26/27 the discussion between Khal and Isabella is all (V.O) but they are together when it's happening? During the entire flashback with her mother and dad, stepdad. I was lost. You have moments where you have longs action lines but it feels more like a roman. Show don't tell. There are lots of instances where you tell and don't show. In almost every character introduced after the age, you add an adjective for example: male Attendant (28, naive) instead of saying "naive" show us directly, the way he talks and acts. The protagonist and antagonist are compelling their stories are very interesting the only thing I could say here, it's work on the delivery. For example, I'm still not sure about whose human or not or if everybody is half-human. At some point, I understood that they wanted to have pure human than after that they wanted to get rid of homosexual and in the end, I wasn't still sure of what the government wanted to stop or not stop. The dialogue doesn't feel natural and it's hard to recognize each character's voice. They kind of all talk the same and there are a couple of times where it doesn't feel natural. Maybe smooth it out, give a tone to a certain character, or even a character who doesn't talk and say it all through his gesture. Again for the conflict, it's interesting and confusing at the same time. I was lost during the story even if I felt that there were good conflict. I don't know if you rushed the climax but it feels like it misses something. When she deals with her mother I didn't get it that she was still alive and back to the government. I see that you finish the story and thinking of a sequel but instead of it, I think you could work on the characters present and give a better climax. To finish there are some typos, missing words, missing letters.
The concept is a bit blurry at first, I know that it's a story couple but you teased a fantastic story at first and it's actually turning around racism. The logline is actually a bit misleading like I said earlier you teased a fantastic story by saying it's an alternate reality then you talk about wanderer but we actually don't see any. There is just Austin who's talking vaguely about them but there is no follow up. The first ten pages didn't get me hooked, I wasn't sure of what I was about to read. You said your story is a (comedy, horror, mystery/suspense) there are too many genders. During the first 10 pages, there is basically nothing. They're just setting up their travel. I understand where you wanted to work as a comedy but it doesn't quite make it. You should focus on one gender or two. For the scenes, you have some good one that you could develop, the way all the town is scheming is rather interesting. Every person is looking at them but they don't notice. Basically the all beginning is a bit dull. Chris going to get her paycheck even when they're going to see Chris's parents doesn't add to the story. This is where we're coming on the protagonist Chris and Austin love each other, they're moving from their town. That's it there is nothing unique about them. I can't really care for them because I don't really know them. At the end of the story, they're still the same nothing has changed. The antagonist; it's almost the same thing is a racist, every people in the town are racist. They're just evil without a reason except of being racist. The only thing at stake is their lives (I don't minimize their lives), but you could add some conflict. Chris and Austin could be on the verge to break up, moving to LA was for them the last chance and the white hunt could bring them closer. The people of the town pressing button it never lead anywhere. Until the end, I thought that actually a wanderer will come and help them making the connexion with the alternate reality. Or you could have developed on Austin, maybe he couldn't have kids and his mother in law knew it somehow. You spread some seeds for conflict and sub conflict but didn't use them You rushed the end they kill the sheriff and arrive to LA. But, again you had only one conflict to resolve so it's quite difficult to smooth it out.
The concept is really interesting it makes me think of the college admission scandal but with a different eye. It's nothing that we used to see. The way you handle the story makes it even more appealing. The way the story is starting up is interesting. His life seems calm and relax, he's taking the time with his student at school, he even has the time to relax alone on his boat. The dog barking announces the beginning of the trouble, by the way, it's only time we hear the dog bark and the phone vibrating. I feel like it's a good contrast with the quiet lake, the boat not moving and Mickey taking a nap. Everything arrives like a quiet storm. The scenes are well written, we really get into the motion with a well-crafted world. The use of words is well done making the scene lively The involvement of Mickey makes the story interesting. He really cares about the student and actually puts the work to help them get across their dream. The trials he is going through for it make us care about his fate and the students. Even if he becomes a counselor, he stays a teacher for the student. And to see Chez evolution through the story is compelling. He stays through to himself but he keeps his ears open and that confirms what's Mickey was seeing. The dialogues are a good driver for the story like I said before the use of words is well done. We can clearly distinguish each and every character in their fashion. The conflicts are multiple from Mickey fighting for each student especially Chez, to the bribery scandal and his family situation. Each and everyone are dealt with in time. They all kind of interconnect between them and doesn't let the reader wondering. The pacing is also good I didn't have any hard time. The climax is full of emotion I had hope when Caroline starts to list what he gave his student emotionally. Then I was taken aback when I realized that his career has been terminated for something he didn't do. But relief when Chez appears as the Architect. All the work he puts on has paid off and Chez is still true to himself he actually built his career from scratch as he wanted. In overall, the script reads really well, I really appreciate the story. I remark a few minor typos on P58 on the scene bracket "HALLL" and P60 on an action bracket "wuickly"
A Barman follows a successful woman real estate agent to her house after he promises to marry her but she preys on man as a hobby.