I really enjoyed this script. I watch and read a lot of horror and one thing the genre seems to avoid is something like this. Its a really solid idea that could be implemented really easily, and cheaply. Fantastic use of a single setting. There are very few spelling and grammar errors, which is nice. Excellent use of sound and darkness to convey the feeling of hopelessness the characters are facing. Concept: Very creative concept. The main characters are criminals so you get that whole vibe of rooting for the bad guy that you want to see in a horror movie. Love the idea of bugs being the bad guy, you don't see that too often in the genre and it makes the whole "stuck in a house with a killer" idea fresh and new. Not to mention plenty of people have a fear of bugs. So all in all its a solid concept that is well executed. I know of a few people who would jump just thinking about being trapped in a house with hungry bugs. Story: Again its a great execution of the story. You come to an understanding of what the child murderer is up to and the motivations of the three criminals. You also learn what is happening in the house without being told too much of why it is happening and in horror that is key. The unknown is king and lets the viewers imagination run wild with what could be happening. I also really love that you never actually see what is lurking in the dark. The only change I would have made is maybe after learning that Davids daughter was murdered and he did time for killing the murderer we find out that he had killed the wrong person and that Mr. Susjevowitz was actually behind his daughters death. This might help to amplify his struggle and create some more tension and emotion with him attempting to escape and destroy the house. Structure: Good structure overall. You have everything where it need to be. Typically I would break up the rooms and scenes with a simple HALLWAY or BATHROOM when entering a new part of the same location to help the flow for the reader but I am torn with that one here since essentially the whole script takes place in one location. It might make it easier for someone to read as a spec script but as a shooting script it might need the slug lines to help figure out a scene breakdown. You avoided direction which is great, no camera angles or that kind of thing. The only real structural change I would make is to try and make the action sequences pop a little more with some better action verbs or more creative ways to describe stuff like the characters going up stairs. it just makes for an easier read for example instead of "ryan climbs the stairs" maybe go with "Ryan FLIES up the stairs". The script is a bit short but it is action heavy so at 60 some pages it might end up being too short as a feature. Maybe add some more scenes, a bite more back and forth on the decision to come back or something just to bring it into the 70ish page area. Dialogue: Good dialogue, not a lot of forced exposition. It all feels natural and you get a sense of who these people are and what their history might be. Some of the dialogue is fairly short, a lot of single word lines. Maybe try to make some of the debates or conversations a little longer which would help with the length. Then again the criminals probably don't want to talk too much anyway so its a tough call. Character Dev: Its a horror movie so you don't want to give them too much development otherwise the audience will feel bad when they die. Maybe a bit more for David though so you get a real gut punch when he doesn't make it out. Perhaps he finds his daughters back pack or something in the house. Overall a really great idea and script. I would definitely watch this. Good job.
Overall it was a well written script all the pieces work together as a whole and come together at the end. You get a good idea of who the characters are and their underlying motivations but it leaves just enough out to make you wonder what will happen in the following episodes. There was enough information to pick up on the lore and what the setting was without being overly explanatory it had a really great balance between exposition and allusion. The story has a very Noire feel to it, somewhat of a Blade Runner meets The Expanse. It feels like something much bigger is going on in the background that could lend to some good deeper questions about the characters, their lives and where they fit into the world around them. The dialogue did not feel forced or clunky and told me what was going on without feeling like forced exposition. Each character felt distinct and separate from each other which really helped draw you into each portion of the story. It was great to see even the individual officers described as "cocky" etc, which gave me a great sense of their overall attitudes even if they are minor characters. Not sure if this is meant to be a mini series, HBO style drama or a television series. The script may be a bit long for television but would work well length wise for a mini series or streaming series. If it is meant for television some time could be shaved off by removing the teaser unless that is meant to be included as part of a pitch. The rule of thumb I use is that a page is equal to about 1 min of screen time, that would put this episode somewhere in the 70-75 min mark depending on pacing. Formatting wise all the action sequences were spot on and about the right length some more active verbs would really make the action sequences pop. Character names should be capitalized when first introduced, not just the first name, this is fairly minor. One thing I noticed was there is a lot of emotive direction given for characters, which I've been told in the past doesn't make actors too happy. Trying to find a way to convey the emotions of the characters through their dialogue might be a safer choice and could help to bring the overall script length down. Overall its a really solid script with a great overall concept, ideas, and characters. A little more polish on the format, with some more action verbiage and some different dialogue choices to help convey the characters emotions would really make the whole thing pop and make it snap to life.
I loved the concept and the story. It is unlike anything I have heard before. The action sequences were vivid and sprung to life off the page, however some of them were quite long and could have been explained better through dialogue. Maybe try to keep the action sequences down to 2 or 3 sentences for pacing. That being said I could follow what was happening and piece together the lore that was playing out. There are a few spelling mistakes but nothing a quick edit wouldn't fix. The dialogue is somewhat clunky and could use the same kind of treatment the actions sequences received. The dialogue is where most of the spelling and grammar issues lie, I couldn't tell if it was intentional or not. If it was by choice I apologize but it may make it hard for an actor to figure out what they are portraying. For example: "Nayomi African sands are romantic. The seduction powers from warm winds." Could be something more like: Nayomi The sands of Africa breed romance, their seductive powers coming from the breath of warm winds. There is some really fantastic potential in the dialogue. Sometimes it feels like characters are reciting monologues to themselves so perhaps make the lines more of an exchange, a bit more back and forth. Example: Jessie You know you're a damn fine lookin' woman. You ready for some relationship gymnastics? Nayomi doesn't really answer the question just goes on to talk about the sand of Africa (which could be a great monologue). Maybe if Nayomi were to lead with that? Say somewhere around where she says "Love is magic, if you can't say... kiss me" Nayomi The sands of Africa breed romance, their seductive powers coming from the breath of warm winds. Can't you see Love is a form of magic? If you can't admit it, just kiss me. Something like that. Like I said I love the concept and there is a really great core to this script it just needs a bit of polishing and it could really sparkle.