Dan Hoy

Aspiring Screenwriter

Reviewer Rating:
Screenplays: 0
Reviews: 1

Short Bio

Nothing here.

Recent Activity

Dan Hoy completed a review for
8 months ago
What We Did That Summer feature
Genre: Drama
Review Rating:
Three 12 year-old boys get lost while camping in the woods and must put aside their differences to find their way home the hard way while also learning about friendship, survival, and growing up.

First and foremost-- this is a good draft. The characters are clear; the relationships are vibrant; the concept is interesting; etc. etc. All of these comments are extremely subjective, so absolutely take them with a grain of salt. Congratulations on accomplishing what you have already accomplished with the completion of this draft! With all of that said, here are my overall thoughts: General: I think that the script works, but needs a bit more development before moving from consider to recommend. It's got good bones, but needs to be fleshed out in some areas, and cut down in others. Here's What Works: 1) The Dynamic of the Boys' Relationship All three of the main characters are dynamic and have very specific personalities. Watching the way that they interact and develop is truly interesting and allows for deep character development. The juxtaposition between Jimmy and Zach is palpable, but what makes their relationship shine is the moments in which they can find common ground. Mike acts as the driving force that brings the trio together-- supporting both Jimmy and Zach in their hours of need. 2) The Arc of the Adventure The boys' adventure acts as a catalyst in their maturation. Where the boys are emotionally and mentally at the beginning of the story is vastly different from where they end up by the finale. Their experiences force them to make decisions about their relationships and come to terms with their strengths/weaknesses. It is a coming-of-age metaphor at its finest. 3) The Connection of the Familial Struggles The boys are all connected to each other through one common thread-- they have each lost their fathers. Though they have reacted to their fathers' deaths in very different ways, this common ground brings them all together in a very interesting way. I think that this is something that could be developed even further throughout the story. 4) The Addressing of Adult Issues Through the Eyes of Youth Meaningful relationships. Death. Family. These are all topics that even adults struggle with daily. It is refreshing and interesting to hear these topics touched upon from a standpoint of youth and innocence. I think this is another element that is great when it shows up in the story, but could be taken even further in a future draft. Here's What Needs More Development: 1) Overall Maturity Level of Dialogue While there are absolutely moments in which their age is made very clear (i.e. the porno in the cabin sequence), the dialogue often skewed a bit too mature in the sense that it seems to knowledgeable and worldly. They speak like twenty year-olds, not twelve year-olds. To remedy this, I would recommend working back through the script, writing down what you want to get across, then attempting to filter it through the mind of someone that age. I think that will actually add a layer of complexity into the dialogue-- really expounding on the idea of mature topics through young minds. 2) Finding the Essential Moments to Support the Spine of the Script While reading the script, I felt that the journey through the woods had so much going on that it was sometimes hard to decipher what the most important moments were. I think it sometimes faces the dilemma of quantity over quality. I think some sequences can be cut and others should be fleshed out. In order to make the determination on what is essential and what is not, I would go back to the spine of the piece. What is the purpose of this piece as a whole? How does each scene relate back to that purpose? Which leads me to my next point... 3) What is the Main Purpose of the Story? I understand that this is a coming-of-age story, but I think that's a little too vague to be the purpose of the piece. Is the purpose to see how the trio overcomes differing opinions to survive? If so, then the fights between the boys need to be fleshed out, and the resolutions need to be more fulfilling. Is it to see how they overcome the elements to survive against all odds? Then the elements need to be more harsh and unforgiving. Is it to see how they all have come to terms with the deaths of their father figures? If so, then the trauma and response of each of the boys needs to be more prevalent. I could go on, but you get the idea. Ultimately, there can be aspects of each of many of these within the story, but the primary one should be singled out and developed. It will create a more impactful through-line that allows for the development of a specific theme rather than a general resolution of many themes. Again, this is a great draft! I genuinely enjoyed reading the piece! I think that-- with a little more development-- it could be truly phenomenal!

11 months ago
1 reviews
88 pages
Dan Hoy just joined ScriptMother!
8 months ago

Screenplays

No screenplays.

Dan Hoy

Aspiring Screenwriter

Reviewer Rating:
Screenplays: 0
Reviews: 1

Short Bio

Nothing here.

Recent Activity

Dan Hoy completed a review for
8 months ago
What We Did That Summer feature
Genre: Drama
Review Rating:
Three 12 year-old boys get lost while camping in the woods and must put aside their differences to find their way home the hard way while also learning about friendship, survival, and growing up.

First and foremost-- this is a good draft. The characters are clear; the relationships are vibrant; the concept is interesting; etc. etc. All of these comments are extremely subjective, so absolutely take them with a grain of salt. Congratulations on accomplishing what you have already accomplished with the completion of this draft! With all of that said, here are my overall thoughts: General: I think that the script works, but needs a bit more development before moving from consider to recommend. It's got good bones, but needs to be fleshed out in some areas, and cut down in others. Here's What Works: 1) The Dynamic of the Boys' Relationship All three of the main characters are dynamic and have very specific personalities. Watching the way that they interact and develop is truly interesting and allows for deep character development. The juxtaposition between Jimmy and Zach is palpable, but what makes their relationship shine is the moments in which they can find common ground. Mike acts as the driving force that brings the trio together-- supporting both Jimmy and Zach in their hours of need. 2) The Arc of the Adventure The boys' adventure acts as a catalyst in their maturation. Where the boys are emotionally and mentally at the beginning of the story is vastly different from where they end up by the finale. Their experiences force them to make decisions about their relationships and come to terms with their strengths/weaknesses. It is a coming-of-age metaphor at its finest. 3) The Connection of the Familial Struggles The boys are all connected to each other through one common thread-- they have each lost their fathers. Though they have reacted to their fathers' deaths in very different ways, this common ground brings them all together in a very interesting way. I think that this is something that could be developed even further throughout the story. 4) The Addressing of Adult Issues Through the Eyes of Youth Meaningful relationships. Death. Family. These are all topics that even adults struggle with daily. It is refreshing and interesting to hear these topics touched upon from a standpoint of youth and innocence. I think this is another element that is great when it shows up in the story, but could be taken even further in a future draft. Here's What Needs More Development: 1) Overall Maturity Level of Dialogue While there are absolutely moments in which their age is made very clear (i.e. the porno in the cabin sequence), the dialogue often skewed a bit too mature in the sense that it seems to knowledgeable and worldly. They speak like twenty year-olds, not twelve year-olds. To remedy this, I would recommend working back through the script, writing down what you want to get across, then attempting to filter it through the mind of someone that age. I think that will actually add a layer of complexity into the dialogue-- really expounding on the idea of mature topics through young minds. 2) Finding the Essential Moments to Support the Spine of the Script While reading the script, I felt that the journey through the woods had so much going on that it was sometimes hard to decipher what the most important moments were. I think it sometimes faces the dilemma of quantity over quality. I think some sequences can be cut and others should be fleshed out. In order to make the determination on what is essential and what is not, I would go back to the spine of the piece. What is the purpose of this piece as a whole? How does each scene relate back to that purpose? Which leads me to my next point... 3) What is the Main Purpose of the Story? I understand that this is a coming-of-age story, but I think that's a little too vague to be the purpose of the piece. Is the purpose to see how the trio overcomes differing opinions to survive? If so, then the fights between the boys need to be fleshed out, and the resolutions need to be more fulfilling. Is it to see how they overcome the elements to survive against all odds? Then the elements need to be more harsh and unforgiving. Is it to see how they all have come to terms with the deaths of their father figures? If so, then the trauma and response of each of the boys needs to be more prevalent. I could go on, but you get the idea. Ultimately, there can be aspects of each of many of these within the story, but the primary one should be singled out and developed. It will create a more impactful through-line that allows for the development of a specific theme rather than a general resolution of many themes. Again, this is a great draft! I genuinely enjoyed reading the piece! I think that-- with a little more development-- it could be truly phenomenal!

11 months ago
1 reviews
88 pages
Dan Hoy just joined ScriptMother!
8 months ago