This is a very well crafted screenplay. The intention of the writer and the characters are very clear and that makes it an enjoyable, smooth read. The action is exciting and sometimes riveting. The world of the story that the writer has built is detailed and has great internal logic. I love the setting of the failing space port and the excitement of a ship finally landing. The action sequences both in space and on the Asteroid (and on Earth) are compelling, visual and exhilarating. I liked the Gorgon sequence in particular. You have a real knack for that sort of writing. I think the trick of a screenplay like this is to balance the familiar and the new. There are many, many elements that are familiar to the reader/viewer. That's important because it sparks recognition in the audience and makes the reader/viewer immediately "buy in" to the world and feel comfortable. However, some care needs to be taken that this isn't too familiar. There are a couple of layers of this. This is obviously Treasure Island in space. But there has been a movie called Treasure Planet that did use that concept. This obviously has quite a number of twists and its own unique, well thought out take. The love story especially helps in that regard. But I do think this needs to stretch a bit further away from Treasure Island if possible. Evoking it is good, but, to me, retreading it too closely, may end up to present an issue. I also do think some of the similarities to elements of Star Wars, Star Trek, etc. need to be thought about. Quirky robots feel like droids, Jill feels like Luke Skywalker, ships feel like the Enterprise, the bald captain evokes Picard, kromodite seems like coaxium,etc. I don't know if any of it was conscious, but I think I would try to add new elements where you can so we're sure we're seeing something we haven't seen before. I think a close watch of the Mandalorian might help. What they've done there is take the extremely familiar Star Wars Universe and graft on very familiar Western scenes and tropes. But given the new mythology they have also crafted and added, it has an incredible balance of the familiar and the new that makes it so successful. I feel for a script of this length Act One is a little long. The pace picks up terrifically in Act Two. It has a nice all is lost moment when she and Morgan are captured. And this script has a fantastic quickening in Act Three, which is all right on target. The ticking clock of the Asteroid blowing up in the third act was nicely done. But I'd probably suggest getting Act One down by a few pages. Frankly the original Treasure Island had a very lengthy set up, but I think a modern audience wants to launch into the journey a bit more quickly. Your characterizations are great. So many of the characters are just very cool and engaging. When reading this, a few times, I said out loud "cool." Your character descriptions are super solid, but that's only reflective of your character creation which is spot on. I like they way you've tried to give each character unique diction and patterns of speech. I'd watch those dialogue elements a bit as sometimes they can be hard to distinguish from typos. You don't want it to get in the way of a clear read. And I would definitely avoid any of them getting too Yoda like. I think you slipped into that at least once. Could there be too many characters? Maybe. I'm not confident who I would cut or combine, but I would look at each character to see if he (or she but really primarily he) is necessary to the story and has a function that makes it worth having a separate character. The main character I would say to work a bit harder on is Jill. She feels a bit like a role than a full developed character. I thought at the beginning I'd understand what makes her tick-- she likes her robot, she wants adventure. Again, very Luke Skywalker. But I'm not sure that, at the end of the day, I understood her fully beyond that initial superficial view. I didn't ever get a handle on deeper motivations and emotions. Perhaps when she had no choice but to kill Gar was the first time some internal conflict really hit me. I also think the love story between Morgan and Jill needs to be more fully developed. Most of that may need to be done in Morgan's character, but they likely need more scenes together where this relationship is shown to be more than an infatuation. This is the real twist on Treasure Island that make this extra special, so make their story extra special. That way, the satisfying ending you've written has true meaning and closure. I'd also work a bit on scenes and dialogue that feels cliche. Someone trapped in a cave saying "How do I know you won't kill me if I come out" is seen incredibly frequently. Nothing wrong with it. It's a good plot point. But find a twist or a new take on it. I wonder if the maguffin being a compact disc works. Can there be something more high tech in space at this point? Something that might look cooler? You don't wantbto duplicate the way finder from the Rise of Skywalker, but I wonder if this is worth an upgrade. One thing that also may help is more subtext. Sometimes characters are recapping what just happened or saying what they think. On 76, when a character says "You took care of the forcefield. But a couple more men got killed." That really is just explaining what just happened. Better for him to say "Nice work, genius. You killed my best friend" or whatever. Finally, I might suggest that Morgan be the one to defeat Roggan rather than a well timed tremor. The tremors intervene at somewhat convenient times, but that one feels a bit too convenient and takes away from our belief in Morgan as a true hero. All in all, I really enjoyed this. It was a story that kept my attention. Your craft is impeccable as is your sense of structure and pace. Well done.
When a homicidal monster with a taste for human flesh attacks a chain gang, a former prosecutor sentenced for murder must flee, chained to a gangster he once sent to prison.
Prepared to deal with war and economic collapse, the new President faces the one crisis he had not expected: the White House is haunted by the ghosts of ex-Presidents and only he can set them free by righting the historical wrongs they have committed.