I finished in Biochemistry from the University of Nigeria in Awka Anambra state Nigeria. I have written other screenplays like: (1) "SO FAR AWAY"(Nollywood's first one man cast film starring Segun Arinze only) (2) "JUST SAY YES"(Produced by PSI multimedia in Lagos Nigeria) (3) "GUTSY GIRL"(Optioned to PSI multimedia in Lagos Nigeria) (4) "OBLIVION"(Written for Ndave productions in Awka Anambra state Nigeria) I love to explore new grounds so hit me up if you need an awesome screenplay written for you. Cheers...
I have never told anyone this since I started reviewing scripts here. Brace yourself. Here it comes; Your concept is EXCELLENT. The second I read your Logline I knew I want to read the script. If I were buying scripts, I will definitely make a movie out of this. The scenes are not well written. The problem with most of the scenes is dialogue. In the first page, Lilly woke up and the moment she said "what happened last night?", I was disappointed. Then again she sees a briefcase and is asking "who's is this then", I was more disappointed. The thing is this: SHOW, DON'T TELL. Remove those dialogues where she is talking to herself and replace them with actions that will suggest to the reader what she is thinking or what she wants us to think. For example, she could wake up and call out to Darren telling him to stop it. That's okay but she doesn't have to see the clock and ask how it got there saying it out loud. The pacing is good. The climax is good. With Darren playing the same prank on someone else at the end, it definitely counts. The script definitely reads well. Make her say less and do more and you will have a contest winner in your hands. Cheers!!!
I'm just gonna say this first. PLEASE KEEP AN OPEN MIND. First of all, I think any story that pocesses anything out of the ordinary should contain a sort of heads up in the beginning. Your story has angels, demons, magic, signs and wonders, etc. I think you should have told us the world you created. Maybe God is resting and handed authority to archangel Michael or something. Maybe he doesn't answer prayers anymore and a group of angels sees it necessary to take command. Tell us something that will better prepare us to a world of magic, appearing and disappearing and other stuff. Maybe you think it will ruin the surprise. It will not. Now concept: It is very fresh. Original. Honestly speaking, I will love to watch the movie. Yes. The Logline interests me but the first ten pages didn't connect me with the Logline. I mean the Logline should have been about the pilot not about the entire series(i stand corrected) The pilot script reads more of "a man struggling to know where he belongs in the world" than what you put up. The scenes are well written although some of them are unusually long. Honestly I was struggling to understand where the story was going. The whole piece came together at about page 50. The protagonist is compelling enough. Very twisted. His past, his present and his future are all a thing of wonder. Very intriguing. 🤔 I wonder where it all leads him to. The dialogue is good but could be better. Yes. The conflict is real enough. The pacing is good but could be better. As it is, if it goes to a contest, it will get somewhere in the last five. Only if it doesn't win. There is a real satisfaction in the climax of the story especially discovering he is an angel. It kinda made me wanna read more. It also got me thinking. What are the sinners going to do about it now that the company of light got him first. I only hope the next episode will be more intriguing than this one. And yes. The script reads well. Very well actually. Glad I read it. Cheers!!!
Don't get it twisted. Please keep an open mind. Concept: Yes. It is very original to me. It is huge. It's interesting. It sparked my curiosity the moment I read the synopsis. It has big written all over it. However, somethings do not add up. I will get to that in a short while. The first ten pages neither drew me in nor bored me. I just wanted to see what happened next. In the first page, Richard should be doing something to suggest to us that he isn't ready for tomorrow instead of saying it out loud. In all, the scenes are fairly well written. In places where I thought something should happen, it did not. Rather I discovered later in the script that the characters are telling us what they should have done or doing or already did. Example:The part where Chain breaker reprogrammed the machine to gain access to the real world. We should have seen him doing that instead of telling us. And again, I feel that a machine that grants access to a movie should take longer time to build. Say 3 to 6 months not a week. And we should see Richard do it. Do some research. Get some science bullshit and bend it to suit your story. That way, it becomes more real. More believable. The protagonist is not compelling enough but can be if you make him more angry and hungry. Angry because he lost his job and his life is a mess. The one thing that could cheer him up i.e the horror movies, are not. Hungry because he wants to do something big to prove himself and make his life count. Some part of the dialogue is just chit chat. It shouldn't be there. Limit the dialogue to only what's important. Conflict is 70 percent real to me but could be better. You should worry about making it better but not too much. Now pacing: Well, I think the pacing is not good enough. Flesh out a complete character arc for all characters and see them become more real. The climax didn't exactly satisfy me. I knew chain breaker would be defeated but it was too easy for Richard. Again, I didn't get the part where chain breaker was fighting the other villains. They were all supposed to have one mission. Maybe I missed something. The script reads fine. Requires more work though.
Okay... Where do I start? Right... Concept: I think for a horror script, little is big. But the way the story carries the concept is not very strong. I mean things can get ugly just because a man didn't tip the waitress (Little) but it would have been better if there is only psycho killer throughout the story and his/her motive is clear. Again the killing motive must be a personal experience for the killer (big) What I mean by this is it would be more interesting to know that Stella is killing because she hates men who abuses women. Or she hates stingy rich folks who talk down on everyone else. Take the script JOKER for example. One mentally challenged killer with a clear motive and it is personal. Now the first ten pages: Well, there was killing which is good but the moment I read that, I knew it shouldn't have happened that early. I know, it is the hook but we need to see the shitty life of Stella. We have to know what everyday is like for her. You don't get to kill your husband everyday, do you? Are scenes well written? Yes but could be better. The protagonist is not very compelling. I get it. It is hard to create that kind of character every actor wants to be but nothing is impossible. You will get there. One thing is certain though. I didn't feel for her. I never cared if she wins or loses. Make me care. Make me feel for her and she will be more believable. Your dialogue is good. I enjoyed reading them. It has elements of subtext. It is short and neat. Just the way I like them. Kudos. Yeah, the conflict is maybe about 65 percent real to me. The pacing is good. Up until the first flashback. Flashbacks has a way of pausing you from the story until you get through them before you can continue. If possible, get rid of them entirely or bring them only at the end. The climax is good but could be better. The thing about the boy, Newton. I didn't find it good enough. He is only fifteen. He should be scared at the sight of blood. He just saw his mom killed. Let him run away or something not attack. In all, it is a fair script. Not a total waste of time.
A transgender makes a suicide video after going through sexual and emotional abuse.
After posing as a pro reporter to receive information, a young asthmatic African American must escape annihilation and run the story to expose the corrupt policy of European business consortium in Africa.