Van Lutz

Aspiring Screenwriter

Reviewer Rating:
Screenplays: 2
Reviews: 5
Enjoys:

Short Bio

I've been writing screenplays for many years. My micro-budget feature US SINNERS has been hailed as "all micro-budget cinema can and should be" and also the "worst piece of shit ever made." It can be rented at Netflix DVD, and it's not in HD or even 24fps. It's a MiniDV classic. If you're a horror fan, you can hate the entire film, but the climax is well worth it.

Recent Activity

Van Lutz just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
The Strength of Others feature
Genre: Horror
A woman with no self esteem or identity, meets the woman she's always wanted to be.
6 months ago
2 reviews
110 pages
A review was just purchased for a feature script. Claim it here.
6 months ago
feature
Genre: Horror
A woman with no self esteem or identity, meets the woman she's always wanted to be.
Van Lutz uploaded a feature screenplay
6 months ago
The Strength of Others feature
Genre: Horror
A woman with no self esteem or identity, meets the woman she's always wanted to be.
6 months ago
2 reviews
110 pages
A review was just purchased for a short script. Claim it here.
6 months ago
short
Genre: Comedy
Did you hear the one about the magician and the faith healer?
Van Lutz just claimed a review for a short script
7 months ago
Speaking In Tongues short
Genre: Comedy
Did you hear the one about the magician and the faith healer?
7 months ago
1 reviews
17 pages
Van Lutz uploaded a short screenplay
7 months ago
Speaking In Tongues short
Genre: Comedy
Did you hear the one about the magician and the faith healer?
7 months ago
1 reviews
17 pages
Van Lutz completed a review for
7 months ago
Jé Rouge short
Genre: Horror
Review Rating:
An older sister cries wolf to terrify her younger brother, but she quickly comes to realize that there may actually be something to be afraid of.

Now this is show not tell, good job. Theoretically this could be taken “as is” and shot. It would leave quite a few lingering questions, but, for what it is, it’s fine. While, it’s still on-the-nose dialogue, it’s at least not exposition. Since I can’t go back into the comments section, I could be wrong on the following, I thought you wrote that this was fleshing out of what would be a full length feature, which would probably be good. Because the main question I would have is “how does the boy become the beast?” He sees it in the woods that night, and later he becomes it. There’s nothing in the short that made me think he was the beast. I knew he was going to be the killer. But, I thought he’d just kill her. You do say it’s based on folklore, but that piece of folklore I do not know. As I said this could theoretically be shot as is. But, overall every scene could be better. I think we’ve gone over my thoughts on your dialogue, and it’s much better here. But, there’s still room for improvement. Scene 1: Car Driving to the Lake House shows a family who doesn’t communicate. If mom just looked at her two bored kids and kept driving, we wouldn’t lose anything. Breaking down the dialogue, “Do you ever get off that thing?” Her mother is asking a question she obviously knows the answer to. No, Monica doesn’t. Then Monica says a long winded “What… look the same.” Is there anything wrong with that? No. But, perhaps a little more entertainment value with foreshadowing. Lynn: There’s things to look at in the real world. Monica’s website is buffering. She looks out the window. Monica: Oh my God mom… Lynn: What? Monica: A tree… Look there’s another… If the exchange went something like this, when Monica plays her prank on Darren, the viewer would know this is part of her personality. Honestly, isn’t this a tad more interesting than saying the on-the-nose dialogue? Scene 2: Lake House Reads well. Could have a little more tension and build-up. But, its fine. The only piece of dialogue I’d question is Lynn’s “Monica, stop teasing him!” I’m sure when Monica’s not on the phone and in the same room as Darren, she probably tortures him regularly. But, in this script, they don’t associate with each other in the car. Since they’re removing baggage it’s probably the first torture session of vacation. At the absolute least it should be “Monica don’t tease your brother!” But, it should possibly be a little stronger and not so on-the-nose. This is vacation. Scene 3: Kitchen As is, it’s fine. This OTN dialogue is a little forced. “I’m stuck here. “ prompts Darren to somehow grow a pair to say “Who said they’d wanna hang out with you?”, which then gives her the opening to the exposition about the monster getting him. The question I would have regarding this scene and this family is “What is their problem?” This is one miserable group. I’ll give Monica the benefit of the doubt and say “she’s a normal 16 year old.” But, what’s Darren’s problem? He’s either bored or acting like a little sissy (I’m not PC). Mom just seems clueless. I’m assuming this has something to do with no father being there. But, who knows. It doesn’t really matter for a 7 page script. But, what fun is it to watch a family like this? It just makes me happy I have no kids. Getting rid of the on-the-nose dialogue would be easy if the characters were in motion. The family eats. Lynn eyes Monica nibbling her food while scanning a webpage on her phone, and Darren mopes while he eats. Lynn: I saw Monopoly in the closet. Neither were listening. Lynn is about to say something else. But, she knows it will go on deaf ears. She reaches across the table and grabs the phone from Monica. Monica: What are you doing? Give that back. Lynn: This is family week. Family dinner. As Lynn puts the phone on her lap she notices the photos on the phone. She scrolls through them. Lynn: Is this Beth?... Trish? You wanted to go with them? Oooh… Darren moves to try and see the photos. Monica rises. Monica: You have no right doing that? Lynn: Sit. (Monica sits) I have every right… (to Darren) Back, eat. Lynn puts the phone in her pocket. Lynn: Everyone eat. (like a warden) After dinner we’re going to play Monopoly. The quietly eat. Monica notices a slight smirk on Darren’s face. Monica: Why don’t we play hide and seek outside, in the dark woods. We can go out and look for the beast that eats little… You don't have to like this, but, do you see there’s at least a little naturalness to it? What I applied above, could go for the rest of the scenes. All in all a good job for a first draft.

7 months ago
8 reviews
7 pages
Van Lutz just claimed a review for a short script
7 months ago
Jé Rouge short
Genre: Horror
An older sister cries wolf to terrify her younger brother, but she quickly comes to realize that there may actually be something to be afraid of.
7 months ago
8 reviews
7 pages
Van Lutz completed a review for
7 months ago
Coach Murphy tv series
Genre: Drama
Review Rating:
A football fan woman goes on a journey of self discovery and destiny when as a publicity stunt she becomes the first Female head coach in the NFL, but when she proves to be the better person for the job the Male dominated league pushes back.

This script was available to me since I started reviewing on this site a few weeks ago. I never accepted it, because I know NOTHING about football. I didn’t think it would be fair to you to review something that I would probably be lost on. I spoke to a few football fans at work, and if I had any questions, they told me they could answer. I didn’t have many. That’s not really a good thing. The most basic of this TV show premise is good and workable. A woman who loves football and wants to be part of the game, becomes manager. But, in this draft (I’m hoping it’s the first), it’s filled with cardboard characters spouting exposition throughout. I’m sorry to say, there is not one moment of believability in this script. The opening scene might be a point I'm missing. But, it seems strange. Even if I'm wrong about this scene, once we get to Christine and Family on game day, I know I'm correct. Is it practice or try outs that young Christine is taken to? It doesn’t say in the script. Maybe Pop Warner doesn't have teams, and it's just for fun. I seriously don't know. But, there’s a problem any way you look at it. If it’s practice, they have a team. She wasn’t there for try outs. So, it doesn’t matter if she’s good, she missed her chance to be on the team. If it’s tryouts or just for fun, how does anyone know Tommy, Jordan, or Richie’s role on the team? Because young Christine is coaching them on specific roles. It doesn't make sense. The reason there's this conflict within the dialogue and action of a scene is because you're telling the story in exposition instead of showing it through action. Ian, Bret, and Johnny KNOW for YEARS they’re stuck going to games. They might hate it, but it's a fabric of their existence. So, how does Johnny forget? “It’s too early for anyone to be excited?” She’s 16, she’s seen this every Sunday on game day for the past 16 years. “We’re going to tailgate.” That’s terrible exposition. "Don't forget the charcoal for the tailgate" is even worse exposition. What else would they need charcoal for? But, the worst is "Honey, maybe we could just stay home..." They have season tickets (which ain't cheap), and it's a new stadium. You'd think of all the crap years they've been going that seeing the new stadium would at least make it tolerable. But, her husband for some unknown reason asks if they can stay home on opening day. I could literally go line by line and point out the bizarreness of this dialogue. But, it's all too common when characters aren't real, and they're just spouting what the writer wants to tell the audience. Don't feel bad about this, unless you've been writing for the past 10 years. Then you're in trouble. All new writers write this way. I actually asked this at work, and I got mixed responses. Though no one could remember a time when it happened with their favorite team. Though someone said "barring any injury". It's opening day and as players are getting ready the starting QB is being told he's starting. In my mind (again I don't know football) it would be like the Yankees Manager telling the starting pitcher he's starting opening day a few hours before first pitch. That would never happen, players need to time to get ready. Many have routines the night before. I would think at least 24 - 48 hours in advance the players would know their role. I could be wrong. But, there's so much "normal life" that's messed up here, that it doesn't seem plausible you nailed the football pieces. But, not only that, the pick is a QB that has probably sucked like the rest of the team for years. But, they allow the college QB with a big contract to sit on the bench. Poor choices aren't just made in sports. There's some reasoning of "OK that kind of makes sense." But, it's just flat out stupidity guiding this team and owners. Even is dark comedies, reality is present. The executives is the worst of worst of exposition. They're more interested in sex with models and MILFs then they are that the team sucks again. UNTIL a woman calls and threatens their jobs. There isn't an iota of truth in any of this. Another moment is Buck telling Jettler "I thought you just wanted to ride the bench till free agency" WTF? Where did that come from? He was just hired, was just told 7 pages ago he didn't get the starting job and was angry about it. But, now he wanted to ride the bench. At points this was just painful to read. Because not only are you telling the story, you're not even keeping it straight. Something that everyone was in agreement with was, why would a new stadium be built for a team that has sucked for years? If you cut out everyone that Christine knows (family and friends) we'd miss nothing. Because that's how worthless they were to the story. I'll pose a few questions: Ian, Bret and Johnny didn't want to go. What did they do or say that caused conflict to Christine getting to the game? During the game, what part did they play? After the game, what part did they play? Luke and Julie. What importance did they add to scenes? What actions did they do that caused conflict or moved the story forward? Give a name to the team, and the opposing teams. Even if you make them up, it was awful reading X and BLANK. If this was ever picked up, proper changes would be made. This needs major overhauls. Husband and kids, a couple of friends, the coaches and two QBs, the idiot executives, these are your characters. Each needs a goal, a life, and real life situations to get through. Right now there's only the names. Sorry if I seem harsh. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just very direct. The first thing to remember SHOW the story, don't TELL it. Best of Luck with the rewrite.

7 months ago
1 reviews
34 pages
Van Lutz just claimed a review for a television script
7 months ago
Coach Murphy tv series
Genre: Drama
A football fan woman goes on a journey of self discovery and destiny when as a publicity stunt she becomes the first Female head coach in the NFL, but when she proves to be the better person for the job the Male dominated league pushes back.
7 months ago
1 reviews
34 pages

Screenplays

Draft #1 | Genre: Comedy
Did you hear the one about the magician and the faith healer?
Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 1 reviews | 17 pages
Draft #1 | Genre: Horror
A woman with no self esteem or identity, meets the woman she's always wanted to be.
Rating is only available to members
6 months ago | 2 reviews | 110 pages
SHOW MORE
SHOW MORE

Reviews

PAURA
Short

Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 11 reviews | 3 pages

Lily
Short

Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 3 reviews | 8 pages
SHOW MORE
Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 2 reviews | 9 pages

Coach Murphy
TV Series

Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 1 reviews | 34 pages

Jé Rouge
Short

Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 8 reviews | 7 pages
SHOW MORE

Van Lutz

Aspiring Screenwriter

Reviewer Rating:
Screenplays: 2
Reviews: 5
Enjoys:

Short Bio

I've been writing screenplays for many years. My micro-budget feature US SINNERS has been hailed as "all micro-budget cinema can and should be" and also the "worst piece of shit ever made." It can be rented at Netflix DVD, and it's not in HD or even 24fps. It's a MiniDV classic. If you're a horror fan, you can hate the entire film, but the climax is well worth it.

Screenplays

Draft #1 | Genre: Comedy
Did you hear the one about the magician and the faith healer?
Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 1 reviews | 17 pages
Draft #1 | Genre: Horror
A woman with no self esteem or identity, meets the woman she's always wanted to be.
Rating is only available to members
6 months ago | 2 reviews | 110 pages
SHOW MORE
Draft #1 | Genre: Comedy
Did you hear the one about the magician and the faith healer?
Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 1 reviews | 17 pages
Draft #1 | Genre: Horror
A woman with no self esteem or identity, meets the woman she's always wanted to be.
Rating is only available to members
6 months ago | 2 reviews | 110 pages
SHOW MORE

Reviews

PAURA
Short

Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 11 reviews | 3 pages

Lily
Short

Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 3 reviews | 8 pages
SHOW MORE

PAURA
Short

Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 11 reviews | 3 pages

Lily
Short

Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 3 reviews | 8 pages
SHOW MORE

Recent Activity

Van Lutz just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
The Strength of Others feature
Genre: Horror
A woman with no self esteem or identity, meets the woman she's always wanted to be.
6 months ago
2 reviews
110 pages
A review was just purchased for a feature script. Claim it here.
6 months ago
feature
Genre: Horror
A woman with no self esteem or identity, meets the woman she's always wanted to be.
Van Lutz uploaded a feature screenplay
6 months ago
The Strength of Others feature
Genre: Horror
A woman with no self esteem or identity, meets the woman she's always wanted to be.
6 months ago
2 reviews
110 pages
A review was just purchased for a short script. Claim it here.
6 months ago
short
Genre: Comedy
Did you hear the one about the magician and the faith healer?
Van Lutz just claimed a review for a short script
7 months ago
Speaking In Tongues short
Genre: Comedy
Did you hear the one about the magician and the faith healer?
7 months ago
1 reviews
17 pages
Van Lutz uploaded a short screenplay
7 months ago
Speaking In Tongues short
Genre: Comedy
Did you hear the one about the magician and the faith healer?
7 months ago
1 reviews
17 pages
Van Lutz completed a review for
7 months ago
Jé Rouge short
Genre: Horror
Review Rating:
An older sister cries wolf to terrify her younger brother, but she quickly comes to realize that there may actually be something to be afraid of.

Now this is show not tell, good job. Theoretically this could be taken “as is” and shot. It would leave quite a few lingering questions, but, for what it is, it’s fine. While, it’s still on-the-nose dialogue, it’s at least not exposition. Since I can’t go back into the comments section, I could be wrong on the following, I thought you wrote that this was fleshing out of what would be a full length feature, which would probably be good. Because the main question I would have is “how does the boy become the beast?” He sees it in the woods that night, and later he becomes it. There’s nothing in the short that made me think he was the beast. I knew he was going to be the killer. But, I thought he’d just kill her. You do say it’s based on folklore, but that piece of folklore I do not know. As I said this could theoretically be shot as is. But, overall every scene could be better. I think we’ve gone over my thoughts on your dialogue, and it’s much better here. But, there’s still room for improvement. Scene 1: Car Driving to the Lake House shows a family who doesn’t communicate. If mom just looked at her two bored kids and kept driving, we wouldn’t lose anything. Breaking down the dialogue, “Do you ever get off that thing?” Her mother is asking a question she obviously knows the answer to. No, Monica doesn’t. Then Monica says a long winded “What… look the same.” Is there anything wrong with that? No. But, perhaps a little more entertainment value with foreshadowing. Lynn: There’s things to look at in the real world. Monica’s website is buffering. She looks out the window. Monica: Oh my God mom… Lynn: What? Monica: A tree… Look there’s another… If the exchange went something like this, when Monica plays her prank on Darren, the viewer would know this is part of her personality. Honestly, isn’t this a tad more interesting than saying the on-the-nose dialogue? Scene 2: Lake House Reads well. Could have a little more tension and build-up. But, its fine. The only piece of dialogue I’d question is Lynn’s “Monica, stop teasing him!” I’m sure when Monica’s not on the phone and in the same room as Darren, she probably tortures him regularly. But, in this script, they don’t associate with each other in the car. Since they’re removing baggage it’s probably the first torture session of vacation. At the absolute least it should be “Monica don’t tease your brother!” But, it should possibly be a little stronger and not so on-the-nose. This is vacation. Scene 3: Kitchen As is, it’s fine. This OTN dialogue is a little forced. “I’m stuck here. “ prompts Darren to somehow grow a pair to say “Who said they’d wanna hang out with you?”, which then gives her the opening to the exposition about the monster getting him. The question I would have regarding this scene and this family is “What is their problem?” This is one miserable group. I’ll give Monica the benefit of the doubt and say “she’s a normal 16 year old.” But, what’s Darren’s problem? He’s either bored or acting like a little sissy (I’m not PC). Mom just seems clueless. I’m assuming this has something to do with no father being there. But, who knows. It doesn’t really matter for a 7 page script. But, what fun is it to watch a family like this? It just makes me happy I have no kids. Getting rid of the on-the-nose dialogue would be easy if the characters were in motion. The family eats. Lynn eyes Monica nibbling her food while scanning a webpage on her phone, and Darren mopes while he eats. Lynn: I saw Monopoly in the closet. Neither were listening. Lynn is about to say something else. But, she knows it will go on deaf ears. She reaches across the table and grabs the phone from Monica. Monica: What are you doing? Give that back. Lynn: This is family week. Family dinner. As Lynn puts the phone on her lap she notices the photos on the phone. She scrolls through them. Lynn: Is this Beth?... Trish? You wanted to go with them? Oooh… Darren moves to try and see the photos. Monica rises. Monica: You have no right doing that? Lynn: Sit. (Monica sits) I have every right… (to Darren) Back, eat. Lynn puts the phone in her pocket. Lynn: Everyone eat. (like a warden) After dinner we’re going to play Monopoly. The quietly eat. Monica notices a slight smirk on Darren’s face. Monica: Why don’t we play hide and seek outside, in the dark woods. We can go out and look for the beast that eats little… You don't have to like this, but, do you see there’s at least a little naturalness to it? What I applied above, could go for the rest of the scenes. All in all a good job for a first draft.

7 months ago
8 reviews
7 pages
Van Lutz just claimed a review for a short script
7 months ago
Jé Rouge short
Genre: Horror
An older sister cries wolf to terrify her younger brother, but she quickly comes to realize that there may actually be something to be afraid of.
7 months ago
8 reviews
7 pages
Van Lutz completed a review for
7 months ago
Coach Murphy tv series
Genre: Drama
Review Rating:
A football fan woman goes on a journey of self discovery and destiny when as a publicity stunt she becomes the first Female head coach in the NFL, but when she proves to be the better person for the job the Male dominated league pushes back.

This script was available to me since I started reviewing on this site a few weeks ago. I never accepted it, because I know NOTHING about football. I didn’t think it would be fair to you to review something that I would probably be lost on. I spoke to a few football fans at work, and if I had any questions, they told me they could answer. I didn’t have many. That’s not really a good thing. The most basic of this TV show premise is good and workable. A woman who loves football and wants to be part of the game, becomes manager. But, in this draft (I’m hoping it’s the first), it’s filled with cardboard characters spouting exposition throughout. I’m sorry to say, there is not one moment of believability in this script. The opening scene might be a point I'm missing. But, it seems strange. Even if I'm wrong about this scene, once we get to Christine and Family on game day, I know I'm correct. Is it practice or try outs that young Christine is taken to? It doesn’t say in the script. Maybe Pop Warner doesn't have teams, and it's just for fun. I seriously don't know. But, there’s a problem any way you look at it. If it’s practice, they have a team. She wasn’t there for try outs. So, it doesn’t matter if she’s good, she missed her chance to be on the team. If it’s tryouts or just for fun, how does anyone know Tommy, Jordan, or Richie’s role on the team? Because young Christine is coaching them on specific roles. It doesn't make sense. The reason there's this conflict within the dialogue and action of a scene is because you're telling the story in exposition instead of showing it through action. Ian, Bret, and Johnny KNOW for YEARS they’re stuck going to games. They might hate it, but it's a fabric of their existence. So, how does Johnny forget? “It’s too early for anyone to be excited?” She’s 16, she’s seen this every Sunday on game day for the past 16 years. “We’re going to tailgate.” That’s terrible exposition. "Don't forget the charcoal for the tailgate" is even worse exposition. What else would they need charcoal for? But, the worst is "Honey, maybe we could just stay home..." They have season tickets (which ain't cheap), and it's a new stadium. You'd think of all the crap years they've been going that seeing the new stadium would at least make it tolerable. But, her husband for some unknown reason asks if they can stay home on opening day. I could literally go line by line and point out the bizarreness of this dialogue. But, it's all too common when characters aren't real, and they're just spouting what the writer wants to tell the audience. Don't feel bad about this, unless you've been writing for the past 10 years. Then you're in trouble. All new writers write this way. I actually asked this at work, and I got mixed responses. Though no one could remember a time when it happened with their favorite team. Though someone said "barring any injury". It's opening day and as players are getting ready the starting QB is being told he's starting. In my mind (again I don't know football) it would be like the Yankees Manager telling the starting pitcher he's starting opening day a few hours before first pitch. That would never happen, players need to time to get ready. Many have routines the night before. I would think at least 24 - 48 hours in advance the players would know their role. I could be wrong. But, there's so much "normal life" that's messed up here, that it doesn't seem plausible you nailed the football pieces. But, not only that, the pick is a QB that has probably sucked like the rest of the team for years. But, they allow the college QB with a big contract to sit on the bench. Poor choices aren't just made in sports. There's some reasoning of "OK that kind of makes sense." But, it's just flat out stupidity guiding this team and owners. Even is dark comedies, reality is present. The executives is the worst of worst of exposition. They're more interested in sex with models and MILFs then they are that the team sucks again. UNTIL a woman calls and threatens their jobs. There isn't an iota of truth in any of this. Another moment is Buck telling Jettler "I thought you just wanted to ride the bench till free agency" WTF? Where did that come from? He was just hired, was just told 7 pages ago he didn't get the starting job and was angry about it. But, now he wanted to ride the bench. At points this was just painful to read. Because not only are you telling the story, you're not even keeping it straight. Something that everyone was in agreement with was, why would a new stadium be built for a team that has sucked for years? If you cut out everyone that Christine knows (family and friends) we'd miss nothing. Because that's how worthless they were to the story. I'll pose a few questions: Ian, Bret and Johnny didn't want to go. What did they do or say that caused conflict to Christine getting to the game? During the game, what part did they play? After the game, what part did they play? Luke and Julie. What importance did they add to scenes? What actions did they do that caused conflict or moved the story forward? Give a name to the team, and the opposing teams. Even if you make them up, it was awful reading X and BLANK. If this was ever picked up, proper changes would be made. This needs major overhauls. Husband and kids, a couple of friends, the coaches and two QBs, the idiot executives, these are your characters. Each needs a goal, a life, and real life situations to get through. Right now there's only the names. Sorry if I seem harsh. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just very direct. The first thing to remember SHOW the story, don't TELL it. Best of Luck with the rewrite.

7 months ago
1 reviews
34 pages
Van Lutz just claimed a review for a television script
7 months ago
Coach Murphy tv series
Genre: Drama
A football fan woman goes on a journey of self discovery and destiny when as a publicity stunt she becomes the first Female head coach in the NFL, but when she proves to be the better person for the job the Male dominated league pushes back.
7 months ago
1 reviews
34 pages