San Dane

Aspiring Screenwriter

Reviewer Rating:
Screenplays: 0
Reviews: 18
Enjoys:

Short Bio

Nothing here.

Recent Activity

San Dane completed a review for
2 months ago
The New Oil feature
Genre: Action/Adventure
Review Rating:
After posing as a pro reporter to receive information, a young asthmatic African American must escape annihilation and run the story to expose the corrupt policy of European business consortium in Africa.

You have a good basis for an action/thriller script. This has a 80/90s action movie feel to it. Key details and action are skipped to move the story forward, but a 21st century audience will struggle with the logically missing parts. But for a thriller there must be a reward for the audience after enduring all the twist and turns you wrote into your script. When you introduce the twists of Frank and her father, they don’t do anything to elevate the thriller. They are just emotional betrayals for her – and not the audience. In other words their betrayal doesn’t change the story or her actions: she was going to reveal the information regardless if they betrayed her or not. So what was the point other than make it seem emotionally distressing for her? Now if she took down her father at the end, then you would have a twist with vindication. What would make a more rewarding climax is if Goldman turned out to be her father. Then the betrayal would have been felt by the audience since we know that he has been thwarting her all along. One of the basis tenants of screenwriting is “show, don’t tell”. Much of your script tells us what they are feeling and thinking. This is something you are going to have to research how to show your character’s internal struggles versus explaining them in the descriptions. The lead character has asthma sometimes and not others. Only when it seems convenient to the scene. There is an international cast but their accent and language structure do not stand out. This is a typical corporate power vs the underdog story. The first ten pages pulls you into the story. But the parallel conflict that is escalating in story never comes together in the end. The military coup and corporate scheming never meet up with Michelle and her father. They happen separately so it seems to the audience that neither will affect the other even though you have told the audience they are both related. The final ten pages… If Michelle has condemning information wouldn’t she die soon after giving it to the press, just as Pyramid has always done? Wouldn’t her father be keeping tabs on her the whole time, or most likely keeping her confined in some way? I understand the goal of your story is to attack the corporations that have exploited Africa. But you did not really hurt or stop them in this story, only delayed for a brief time. Yes Michelle, for now, is speaking out about their machinations but will the audience feel vindicated at the conclusion? Maybe your intent is to insert some realism into your ending by letting the audience know that even though the corporations weren’t vanquished there are some who will never give up fighting? If so then your 80s/90s type of script needs to be rethought as the casual demeanor of Michelle and skipping key logic points of dialogue and response does not take in the gravity of your ending. A movie to reference for this kind of international intrigue is The Peacemaker (1997) amongst many others. If you decide you want this moralistic story to resonate with 21st century audiences, then you’ll need to revamp the casual dialogue and work out the subplot so they have a real-world feel. You have a good structure to work from. Keep refining the scenes and this will become a rewarding script!

4 months ago
1 reviews
98 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
2 months ago
The New Oil feature
Genre: Action/Adventure
After posing as a pro reporter to receive information, a young asthmatic African American must escape annihilation and run the story to expose the corrupt policy of European business consortium in Africa.
4 months ago
1 reviews
98 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
Cut theBlue Wire feature
Genre: Thriller
Maverick bomb-squad guru and avid pot-head Chase Malachi must dismantle a self replicating, psychosis inducing doomsday device that reduces entire universes to sub-atomic dust.
6 months ago
1 reviews
106 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
Nutmeg feature
Genre: Comedy
An unconventional therapist who finds he better understands his patients while tripping on nutmeg must now diagnose and cure an apocalyptic disorder known as metapsychosis, as his increasingly psychedelic journey makes it difficult to discern the real from the unreal.
6 months ago
reviews
105 pages
San Dane completed a review for
6 months ago
ALEX feature
Genre: Thriller
Review Rating:
An archeologist survives a plane crash on his way to Egypt, only to find himself in the middle of a nuclear missile crisis.

I can’t tell if you are taking this as a serious action drama, or is this a tongue-in-cheek light adventure from the 1980s? It feels like a 13 year old wrote this from limited knowledge of the world that is only through old movies and books. The dialogue is off, too Americanized, and too on the nose. It’s just poor writing, with a tremendous amount of grammatical errors. All of the characters speak as though they are all Americans even though the majority are from other countries. The locals in Tunis and other places speak American. The local television stations in those foreign countries are speaking American. Did you think any of this through? Now you have a decent idea but you have a lot of work to do to make this realistic if that is your intent. I have given you a bunch of notes but it only covers half of the work you need to do to fix this awkward script. There is a reason we laugh at 80s movies today. Their action is over the top and unrealistic, the dialogue is from the 50s and lacks the seriousness of the situation, and the relationships are poorly developed. Unless your intention was to create a parody of that type of era movie, this script will not work in the 21st century. From your summary it appears this is not a parody. And the twists that you worked out at the end is just a last minute reveal, there are no hints or puzzles for the audience to solve along the way for this to be a Thriller.

7 months ago
2 reviews
73 pages
San Dane completed a review for
6 months ago
The Rainbow Road to Oz feature
Genre: Family
Review Rating:
After a tornado transports a Kansas farmgirl to a magic land, she must go to a wizard in order to get home.

I know Scriptmother does not allow you to identify this as a stage play, or as a musical, so I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I like theater and musicals, but it’s not my forte as a screenwriter. Is the intent of the opening speech to warn the audience that this is for young children? Because, one of the pleasures that come from the famous movie is when each companion is discovered is that their introduction is played out, meaning their weaknesses and fears are in full exposition. In your play it is touched on, but there is no exposition given to appreciate their struggle, we don’t empathize with them. Much of what is experienced in the movie is what happens on the journey of overcoming obstacles from the wicked witch. All of this has been left out of the play with a sole reliance on the vaudevillian style of entertainment, so the play lacks depth of any kind. It’s an interesting idea but the fusion has left out the reward of Dorothy’s quest. While you stated that this is vaudeville oriented, is this what you meant as a new take? It’s not very entertaining for a 21st century audience. But you did label it as a Family feature, and “solely to the please children of today”. In modernizing this classic tale, you missed out on basic necessities for entertainment, even for a musical. You chose to leave out the “heart-aches and nightmares”, but nothing is compelling in this retelling. All the songs feel like they are left in the 20th century, there is no new take on them. Vaudeville served a purpose, and had little competition from other forms of entertainment. Vaudeville was about survival and money, not the art of storytelling. Personality, enthusiasm and speed were essential, but not having any of the three was still a good shtick if it was funny to the working class who came because it was cheap, and thus the acts had to be repeated a dozen times a day to make any money. So what is it you want the children to get from this family musical? Because the song references go above their heads, especially 21st century children. The original lessons of how do you find courage, your heart, or develop your mind is still something a child can grasp. Yet they were skimmed over. You did a good job with the jokes as they are fitting, dry and witty and made me chuckle. The song choices seemed random, or just because they didn’t have a copyright issue. Since I don’t know what your plan was for this screenplay (Broadway versus a local town production; children or all ages), I hope I gave you some points to consider in your next draft.

6 months ago
1 reviews
64 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
The Rainbow Road to Oz feature
Genre: Family
After a tornado transports a Kansas farmgirl to a magic land, she must go to a wizard in order to get home.
6 months ago
1 reviews
64 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
ALEX feature
Genre: Thriller
An archeologist survives a plane crash on his way to Egypt, only to find himself in the middle of a nuclear missile crisis.
7 months ago
2 reviews
73 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland feature
Genre: Family
As a girl walks through a magic mirror, she takes an curious journey.
7 months ago
reviews
88 pages
San Dane completed a review for
6 months ago
EON feature
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Review Rating:
A famous author experiences a terrifying past-life Auschwitz memory that launches her on a life-altering journey into the unknown, and discovers the man she just met is anything but ordinary when she unearths a long hidden secret, evidence so profound that it will change everything.

This is an elaborate and thoroughly conceived story. I can tell you did a lot of research and worked out the multiple past lives but the plot of this script is discovery. Discovery is about people and their quest to understand themselves, a search to understand something fundamental about themselves. When your characters find out about past lives, how does that fundamentally change them? It’s knowledge. But nothing about their lives change. Think about Indiana Jones. He learns about the Arc of the Covenant and witnesses supernatural events. But he is still the same person even with this new knowledge (he doesn’t become religious, etc). Now if you made this movie from the perspective of HOME and the souls, then we could appreciate their goals and struggles (rather than reveal them near the end of the script). In the movie Defending Your Life, we are sent back if we haven’t shown that we have overcome our fears. In your script your souls go to HOME and then hang out and learn and choose to go back and experience something. But that is like choosing which item on the menu you want to eat. It’s an experience but there isn’t a fundamental change that transforms them. And in every movie we expect our protagonist to go through some kind of transformation. Otherwise it’s just a day/year in their lives. And we live that kind of life already. So we expect a vicarious experience when we watch a characters transformation or discovery. Do you think you delivered that vicarious experience? It sounds like it in your pitch. But there are some key things missing in your script. There is no tension or conflict in this script! There is harrowing experiences but they are avoidable. We don’t need to have regression therapy. If you don’t have tension then it will never be interesting to anyone. We want to see Helen overcome a major problem and have something block her success and then discover the key. You know after reading that line Helen doesn’t go through any of that. For example she doesn’t fear the knowledge that the memories might reveal. Imagine if she feared them but they haunt her so much that she is compelled to confront them. There has to be a sense of proportion between the degree of the revelation and the struggle she had to get it. In this story no one is struggling mightily so the audience does not appreciate the “holy shit twist at the end”. It’s like stumbling into Heaven. Good for you but you can’t tell us how you got there! What a terrible story that would be to tell everyone! Wow, how did you find Heaven again? “I don’t know, I just ran into the pearly gates”. Ho hum. There is no struggle for the journey thus no reward in the discovery! You have to up the stakes for us to be invested in their discovery. It’s that simple. The melodramatic montages at the end is not felt by us because the stakes were… information. Not loss of life or the inability to function in society. Just revealing there is a connection, but no wisdom from those past lives. If feels like the plot took over your character’s story arc. Once that happens you lose proportion. Meaning this type of script, with the discovery plot, is all about the characters and their journey. If the story feels mechanically driven by the plot, then the audience will not feel emotionally invested in their discovery. I have a lot of experience with this subject matter as my family were Spiritualists. So I was really looking forward to see what you did with it. I hope you'll see I was really into your script thus my long review and notes. You’ll read that there is some key things missing but I think you can really make this into a compelling script. Keep at it!

6 months ago
2 reviews
122 pages

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Reviews

Villain
Feature

Rating is only available to members
9 months ago | 3 reviews | 110 pages
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KEY TO PARADISE
Feature

Rating is only available to members
9 months ago | 3 reviews | 133 pages

The Wasteland
Feature

Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 1 reviews | 127 pages

The Dying Light
Feature

Rating is only available to members
9 months ago | 1 reviews | 130 pages

Handfasted
Feature

Rating is only available to members
7 months ago | 1 reviews | 110 pages

EON
Feature

Rating is only available to members
6 months ago | 2 reviews | 122 pages
Rating is only available to members
6 months ago | 1 reviews | 64 pages
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San Dane

Aspiring Screenwriter

Reviewer Rating:
Screenplays: 0
Reviews: 18
Enjoys:

Short Bio

Nothing here.

Screenplays

No screenplays have been uploaded. Add a screenplay.

SHOW MORE
SHOW MORE

Reviews

Villain
Feature

Rating is only available to members
9 months ago | 3 reviews | 110 pages
SHOW MORE

Villain
Feature

Rating is only available to members
9 months ago | 3 reviews | 110 pages
SHOW MORE

Recent Activity

San Dane completed a review for
2 months ago
The New Oil feature
Genre: Action/Adventure
Review Rating:
After posing as a pro reporter to receive information, a young asthmatic African American must escape annihilation and run the story to expose the corrupt policy of European business consortium in Africa.

You have a good basis for an action/thriller script. This has a 80/90s action movie feel to it. Key details and action are skipped to move the story forward, but a 21st century audience will struggle with the logically missing parts. But for a thriller there must be a reward for the audience after enduring all the twist and turns you wrote into your script. When you introduce the twists of Frank and her father, they don’t do anything to elevate the thriller. They are just emotional betrayals for her – and not the audience. In other words their betrayal doesn’t change the story or her actions: she was going to reveal the information regardless if they betrayed her or not. So what was the point other than make it seem emotionally distressing for her? Now if she took down her father at the end, then you would have a twist with vindication. What would make a more rewarding climax is if Goldman turned out to be her father. Then the betrayal would have been felt by the audience since we know that he has been thwarting her all along. One of the basis tenants of screenwriting is “show, don’t tell”. Much of your script tells us what they are feeling and thinking. This is something you are going to have to research how to show your character’s internal struggles versus explaining them in the descriptions. The lead character has asthma sometimes and not others. Only when it seems convenient to the scene. There is an international cast but their accent and language structure do not stand out. This is a typical corporate power vs the underdog story. The first ten pages pulls you into the story. But the parallel conflict that is escalating in story never comes together in the end. The military coup and corporate scheming never meet up with Michelle and her father. They happen separately so it seems to the audience that neither will affect the other even though you have told the audience they are both related. The final ten pages… If Michelle has condemning information wouldn’t she die soon after giving it to the press, just as Pyramid has always done? Wouldn’t her father be keeping tabs on her the whole time, or most likely keeping her confined in some way? I understand the goal of your story is to attack the corporations that have exploited Africa. But you did not really hurt or stop them in this story, only delayed for a brief time. Yes Michelle, for now, is speaking out about their machinations but will the audience feel vindicated at the conclusion? Maybe your intent is to insert some realism into your ending by letting the audience know that even though the corporations weren’t vanquished there are some who will never give up fighting? If so then your 80s/90s type of script needs to be rethought as the casual demeanor of Michelle and skipping key logic points of dialogue and response does not take in the gravity of your ending. A movie to reference for this kind of international intrigue is The Peacemaker (1997) amongst many others. If you decide you want this moralistic story to resonate with 21st century audiences, then you’ll need to revamp the casual dialogue and work out the subplot so they have a real-world feel. You have a good structure to work from. Keep refining the scenes and this will become a rewarding script!

4 months ago
1 reviews
98 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
2 months ago
The New Oil feature
Genre: Action/Adventure
After posing as a pro reporter to receive information, a young asthmatic African American must escape annihilation and run the story to expose the corrupt policy of European business consortium in Africa.
4 months ago
1 reviews
98 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
Cut theBlue Wire feature
Genre: Thriller
Maverick bomb-squad guru and avid pot-head Chase Malachi must dismantle a self replicating, psychosis inducing doomsday device that reduces entire universes to sub-atomic dust.
6 months ago
1 reviews
106 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
Nutmeg feature
Genre: Comedy
An unconventional therapist who finds he better understands his patients while tripping on nutmeg must now diagnose and cure an apocalyptic disorder known as metapsychosis, as his increasingly psychedelic journey makes it difficult to discern the real from the unreal.
6 months ago
reviews
105 pages
San Dane completed a review for
6 months ago
ALEX feature
Genre: Thriller
Review Rating:
An archeologist survives a plane crash on his way to Egypt, only to find himself in the middle of a nuclear missile crisis.

I can’t tell if you are taking this as a serious action drama, or is this a tongue-in-cheek light adventure from the 1980s? It feels like a 13 year old wrote this from limited knowledge of the world that is only through old movies and books. The dialogue is off, too Americanized, and too on the nose. It’s just poor writing, with a tremendous amount of grammatical errors. All of the characters speak as though they are all Americans even though the majority are from other countries. The locals in Tunis and other places speak American. The local television stations in those foreign countries are speaking American. Did you think any of this through? Now you have a decent idea but you have a lot of work to do to make this realistic if that is your intent. I have given you a bunch of notes but it only covers half of the work you need to do to fix this awkward script. There is a reason we laugh at 80s movies today. Their action is over the top and unrealistic, the dialogue is from the 50s and lacks the seriousness of the situation, and the relationships are poorly developed. Unless your intention was to create a parody of that type of era movie, this script will not work in the 21st century. From your summary it appears this is not a parody. And the twists that you worked out at the end is just a last minute reveal, there are no hints or puzzles for the audience to solve along the way for this to be a Thriller.

7 months ago
2 reviews
73 pages
San Dane completed a review for
6 months ago
The Rainbow Road to Oz feature
Genre: Family
Review Rating:
After a tornado transports a Kansas farmgirl to a magic land, she must go to a wizard in order to get home.

I know Scriptmother does not allow you to identify this as a stage play, or as a musical, so I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I like theater and musicals, but it’s not my forte as a screenwriter. Is the intent of the opening speech to warn the audience that this is for young children? Because, one of the pleasures that come from the famous movie is when each companion is discovered is that their introduction is played out, meaning their weaknesses and fears are in full exposition. In your play it is touched on, but there is no exposition given to appreciate their struggle, we don’t empathize with them. Much of what is experienced in the movie is what happens on the journey of overcoming obstacles from the wicked witch. All of this has been left out of the play with a sole reliance on the vaudevillian style of entertainment, so the play lacks depth of any kind. It’s an interesting idea but the fusion has left out the reward of Dorothy’s quest. While you stated that this is vaudeville oriented, is this what you meant as a new take? It’s not very entertaining for a 21st century audience. But you did label it as a Family feature, and “solely to the please children of today”. In modernizing this classic tale, you missed out on basic necessities for entertainment, even for a musical. You chose to leave out the “heart-aches and nightmares”, but nothing is compelling in this retelling. All the songs feel like they are left in the 20th century, there is no new take on them. Vaudeville served a purpose, and had little competition from other forms of entertainment. Vaudeville was about survival and money, not the art of storytelling. Personality, enthusiasm and speed were essential, but not having any of the three was still a good shtick if it was funny to the working class who came because it was cheap, and thus the acts had to be repeated a dozen times a day to make any money. So what is it you want the children to get from this family musical? Because the song references go above their heads, especially 21st century children. The original lessons of how do you find courage, your heart, or develop your mind is still something a child can grasp. Yet they were skimmed over. You did a good job with the jokes as they are fitting, dry and witty and made me chuckle. The song choices seemed random, or just because they didn’t have a copyright issue. Since I don’t know what your plan was for this screenplay (Broadway versus a local town production; children or all ages), I hope I gave you some points to consider in your next draft.

6 months ago
1 reviews
64 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
The Rainbow Road to Oz feature
Genre: Family
After a tornado transports a Kansas farmgirl to a magic land, she must go to a wizard in order to get home.
6 months ago
1 reviews
64 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
ALEX feature
Genre: Thriller
An archeologist survives a plane crash on his way to Egypt, only to find himself in the middle of a nuclear missile crisis.
7 months ago
2 reviews
73 pages
San Dane just claimed a review for a feature script
6 months ago
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland feature
Genre: Family
As a girl walks through a magic mirror, she takes an curious journey.
7 months ago
reviews
88 pages
San Dane completed a review for
6 months ago
EON feature
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Review Rating:
A famous author experiences a terrifying past-life Auschwitz memory that launches her on a life-altering journey into the unknown, and discovers the man she just met is anything but ordinary when she unearths a long hidden secret, evidence so profound that it will change everything.

This is an elaborate and thoroughly conceived story. I can tell you did a lot of research and worked out the multiple past lives but the plot of this script is discovery. Discovery is about people and their quest to understand themselves, a search to understand something fundamental about themselves. When your characters find out about past lives, how does that fundamentally change them? It’s knowledge. But nothing about their lives change. Think about Indiana Jones. He learns about the Arc of the Covenant and witnesses supernatural events. But he is still the same person even with this new knowledge (he doesn’t become religious, etc). Now if you made this movie from the perspective of HOME and the souls, then we could appreciate their goals and struggles (rather than reveal them near the end of the script). In the movie Defending Your Life, we are sent back if we haven’t shown that we have overcome our fears. In your script your souls go to HOME and then hang out and learn and choose to go back and experience something. But that is like choosing which item on the menu you want to eat. It’s an experience but there isn’t a fundamental change that transforms them. And in every movie we expect our protagonist to go through some kind of transformation. Otherwise it’s just a day/year in their lives. And we live that kind of life already. So we expect a vicarious experience when we watch a characters transformation or discovery. Do you think you delivered that vicarious experience? It sounds like it in your pitch. But there are some key things missing in your script. There is no tension or conflict in this script! There is harrowing experiences but they are avoidable. We don’t need to have regression therapy. If you don’t have tension then it will never be interesting to anyone. We want to see Helen overcome a major problem and have something block her success and then discover the key. You know after reading that line Helen doesn’t go through any of that. For example she doesn’t fear the knowledge that the memories might reveal. Imagine if she feared them but they haunt her so much that she is compelled to confront them. There has to be a sense of proportion between the degree of the revelation and the struggle she had to get it. In this story no one is struggling mightily so the audience does not appreciate the “holy shit twist at the end”. It’s like stumbling into Heaven. Good for you but you can’t tell us how you got there! What a terrible story that would be to tell everyone! Wow, how did you find Heaven again? “I don’t know, I just ran into the pearly gates”. Ho hum. There is no struggle for the journey thus no reward in the discovery! You have to up the stakes for us to be invested in their discovery. It’s that simple. The melodramatic montages at the end is not felt by us because the stakes were… information. Not loss of life or the inability to function in society. Just revealing there is a connection, but no wisdom from those past lives. If feels like the plot took over your character’s story arc. Once that happens you lose proportion. Meaning this type of script, with the discovery plot, is all about the characters and their journey. If the story feels mechanically driven by the plot, then the audience will not feel emotionally invested in their discovery. I have a lot of experience with this subject matter as my family were Spiritualists. So I was really looking forward to see what you did with it. I hope you'll see I was really into your script thus my long review and notes. You’ll read that there is some key things missing but I think you can really make this into a compelling script. Keep at it!

6 months ago
2 reviews
122 pages