I am a currently a student at the National School of Theater Arts & Drama in Georgetown Guyana finishing up a diploma in Theater Arts and Creative writing. Creativity and a strong imagination have always been the things that makes me the most proud about myself. I'm a very unassuming guy, just another face in the crowd. But given the chance, watch me do something extraordinary
This wasn't a bad script at all to read. The formatting was good and the characters seemed realistic enough. It's just that only so little development can actually happen in 9 pages, that's why most of my marks are fair. But I think you handled yourself quite well, you told an intriguing and coherent story with such little pages. Some of your sentence construction, however, does get a bit confusing at times. For example: Callista grabs the shoulders and the head, still in the helmet, falls off. That sentence confused me for a few seconds cause I thought she was grabbing both the head and shoulders of the guy and I was wondering how exactly that would work. It's only after a few times of reading it back that I realized what you meant. Your dialogue isn't bad but it can be much better: (CALLISTA) BENTRY! COME BACK! HELP ME! That bit of dialogue there sucked, it seemed so cheesy and unimpressive. Also using 'cut to' as a scene change isn't necessary in this day and age. In going from one scene to another it's quite obvious that you have to 'cut to' so you just leave it out. Only use 'cut to' to emphasize a point or show contrast on screen between two scenes; in that way it's mainly used for dramatic effect or comedic effect.
The story definitely comes from a different perspective. I have never quite heard one like it before. Your screenplay formatting is not bad at all and the story gets interesting at times. But bro what's the point of the story? What message are you trying to get across? The reason why people tell stories is so that we could learn something from them (a particular theme). But the story you told is just one big situation the friends find themselves in. What should we as your audience learn from it? The characters of the four friends used in the story are very one dimensional, no one is really distinct from the other. Take away the bachelor party and you could add any random 4 dudes to the story and it doesn't change it one bit. What makes those four guys so unique that the story happens to them? I guess you were gunning for being spontaneous and just being in the wrong place at the wrong time but does that truly work for this story? Everything just seems to be happening because you the writer wants it to happen and there is no real reasoning behind it.
To be honest bro, writing a script based on James Bond probably won't get you anywhere as a screenwriter in Hollywood (if that's what you are aiming for). Agents, Managers and Producers are all looking for original work and James Bond has been around since my grandmother was a kid. No one is going to take a James Bond script seriously from a spec writer, just bare that in mind. Having said that, the story you told of James Bond isn't very original either. I know you intend on writing much more because it's only ten pages but what I've read so far was a bit boring to be honest. The scenario was interesting though; the bad guy demanding that MI6 reveal all it's agents or else he will keep blowing up the city. That's a good scenario to start out with but the screenwriting craft isn't strong enough from you bro. Basically you are only rehashing a cliche James Bond story. I'm sorry to be so frank but I will be the one to bite the bullet and tell you the truth.
I must commend you on making me laugh several times while reading your script. I think you have a wonderful sense of humor and good comedic timing. The concept for your story is freshly told from the perspective of people that society would want to throw in jail. You make the crooks very likable characters and all three of them work really well together. I really enjoyed reading your script, i read it in one sitting. The unique way you tell the story is unlike anything I have ever seen before and your creativity with the various superpowers is very refreshing and sometimes comedic, which of course is your intention. What I would warn you about is your script formatting. It is not to industry standards. Please format it as soon as possible so that when the right person sees your work they can actually produce your script. In its current format, your script is not quite production ready. you can use free screenwriting software like Trelby and KIT Scenarist to format your script properly. The story is too good to not have it in the correct format. Also you have a few camera directions in your script which I must say are very impressive and don't interrupt the flow of the story at all. But just know that directors don't like it when we writers tell them how to do their jobs by including camera directions and so on in our script. some script readers might refuse to read your script further when they see your first camera direction. To be on the safe side I suggest you leave the camera directions out of your story even though I don't see them as problematic in the way you use them. Also beware of your exposition, especially when we are first introduced to the trio. They are blurting out their life stories to each other in an unrealistic way. Basically they are telling each other things that they should already know, the only reason why they are saying those things is for us the audience to understand a bit of their backstory. Doing it in that way is bad exposition. I struggle with that problem myself. I love Trent's character but be cautious with him. He can quickly become annoying to the audience if every other thing he says is basically something stupid. At first it seems funny but then it can get overbearing. Balance him well, yes he says and does stupid things but don't have him be that way every three lines. I see no mistakes with your grammar or spelling but try your best to stay in the active voice present tense a lit bit more. My one concern however is your story engine. Can your concept stretch for 3 seasons or more before the audience becomes bored? Your pilot episode doesn't have enough going on for me to see multiple seasons from it. Maybe as the show progresses the concept will get bigger with greater stakes, there is only so much that you can cram into a half hour after all. But let me say again, I really enjoyed reading your script. It was entertaining from start to finish. You have a lot of talent and I really would like to see your show on Netflix or one of those streaming platforms one day. But you have to work hard for it. Enter this script into screenwriting contests and push for representation so that you can actually have the show produced. I believe the concept is good enough. But you have to fix the things I told you about before you take it to that level or else no one will take your script seriously in the industry. I am officially your first fan! Good Luck!