I'm just a simple man. I work, I raise six sons, and I love my island wife hard. I go day by day fighting off the specter of battles both from my youth in Chicago to the battlefields in the Middle East. I abide by strong Catholic Christian core beliefs to love and accept even the folks that I'd want to throw piranas in their face and let their bodies lie in a pool filled with killer vampire gummi bears. I am nowhere near an aspiring writer nor want to enter the fray of the film industry. I would just like to one day see something on the big screen and say the same thing I did in countless places around the world...I made that. =) I have a hidden hobby of screenplay writing or jotting down creative ideas that may one day be passed along or found in a glass bottle floating in the sea. If by chance money can come my way from a poor script, I would be satisfied. As much as one can be swinging in a hammock by the side of the beach on a warm day with a cold glass of iced tea in hand. Thus, I am a simple man. Honor, noble, and a side of wickedness that comes out from time to time to keep life interesting and not boring.
Character Breakdown: LEOPOLD STEVENS (M/50s), an ineffectual therapist, pretentious. MIKE RUTHERS (M/30s), patient, strange dreams, possible werewolf or supernatural creature. MRS. GUNDERSON (F/UNK), telephone. Possible patient. Logline: A 50-year-old psychiatrist finds himself in the final session of the day, when his life takes an unfortunate turn for the worse. The werewolf genre is saturated but there are opportunities to inject a fresh twist. This script had a tone of the Anne Rice "Interview with the Vampire". The dripped hints of a healed bite wound from 2 weeks ago, dreams of gore and wolves, and the trepidation of a rising moon lead me to believe this film is either a werewolf or a similar bestial creature. In the shortened time frame of telling the story, unanswered questions remain. Is Mike part of a pack? The trope of a bite is the transmission vector of the werewolf "disease/curse" leaving a puzzle piece out of the box. Doctor Stevens is a two-dimensional stereotypical character that practices psychiatry. His questions during the session, note-taking, and tone leave him wooden. This left me not investing in his demise nor the rising tension between himself and Mike. The adjacent telephone call was so brief that when the setting sun and memory flashes occurred, the story took a predictable path. There are some minor details like dialogue lacking a natural rhythm and the introduction scene was adequate to show the autumn sun shining on the city. I recommend you look at your run-time for getting your story immersive enough to draw the viewer in. Here are a couple of recommendations to (hopefully) inspire some thoughts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv8kOzRZK8g&list=PL0xIhzJ2Y9icI1Wv6Kw8v6PdVsBJzt2pZ&index=42 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Il5Kei1hGjQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv8kOzRZK8g&list=PL0xIhzJ2Y9icI1Wv6Kw8v6PdVsBJzt2pZ&index=42&t=23s The tonal shifts, the pacing, dialogue of these are examples of how much can be presented in less than 15 minutes, without an enormous budget, and filming wouldn't be complicated. When you have two characters interacting (Recall "Saw" #1) it's vital to build them into people who the viewer will invest in. IS there something that we relate to? A quip or comment? A familiar setting? Happy Writing.
Analysis – The Superman Hope this helps. There were many good things in your opening pages. I’m drawn in to see what happens to the boat crew. In the first 10 ages we see glimpses of a man who can fly and has incredible strength. This already gives me a glimpse into a mythos of Superman/Kal-El from Krypton. The dialogue is crisp and to the point. Genre: Sci-Fi Pg. 2 Barry holds the rail, and he cries for help. This jars against the parenthetical written "of slowly realizing he’s okay". I already want to know more about Jim. Dialogue reads natural and has flavors of R-rating. “is looking” needs to be “looks” “watching the wave” – “watches the wave” What will help your script is following the Seven Deadly Sins of Writing. https://yourscreenplaysucks.files.wordpress.com/2019/09/7-deadly-sins-of-writing-2017.pdf “Carlos is trying” – “Carlos tries” Page 8, your slug says it’s DAWN, no need to include a clock, unless that insert shot is necessary for the plot. Also, how do we SEE the clock? Where is it located for the viewer to see it? Nice way to bring current events into the story. This allows the audience to emotionally connect. Keep it consistent for SWAT capitalization. CTRL + F to make sure you find any that are not correct. “n a matter of seconds” can be streamlined to “on the street in seconds.” (pg. 5) Be wary of using too many adverbs that end with -ly. (deeply, immediately, etc.) “Lois (30) is sitting” – Lois (30) sits All actions need to be in an ACTION STATEMENT not within (PARENTHICAL) E.g. Lois puts on makeup, Lois brushes her hair. The computer video, is this of Lex Luthor in an interview and Lois is critiquing/analyzing it? How do we see the video and Lois preparing to go to work? If we are viewing this scene, SHOW US where are eyes need to look at. Pg 11, When JIMMY first speaks, his name should include (O.S.), which means he’s heard but not visible until the action line following his dialogue. Pg. you did good at showing which person Lois speaks to, barista and Jimmy. -ing words are passive voice. Recommend change to active. Remember a script writer’s job is to convey a lean, tight, but evocative sense of scene, character, and action. Be judicious with your script. I personally have to rewrite my drafts to be less novel and more a screenplay. You can introduce characters with less PHYSICAL description and more of a SOUL DESCRIPTION that opens a window to the core of the character. Help lead the viewer into asking the WHY IS THIS PERSON DOING THIS ACTION? WHAT DRIVES LOIS TO PUSH HER PURSE FULL OF PACKING PEANUTS INTO A MUGGER? (This gives me a glimpse to the fact this happens so often and regularly for Lois that she prepares for this daily.) Pg. 17 SLUG put “Floor 8” in (). During Lois’ interview with Lex, she goes from tropical depression to hurricane. Show why she reacts so vehemently to Lex and his character. Keep in mind WHO IS LEX LUTHOR? With Superman having been around since the 1950s, there has been a lot of variations and stories in dozens of mediums, think of something that captures the essence of a mad genius with political aspirations and his motivations. Within the comic books, https://www.cbr.com/lex-luthor-donald-trump-president/ I think of the recent movie 2019 movie, a Joker portrayed by Joaquin Phoenix. There is a rich history of the Joker, Batman’s arch-nemesis. Yet, the 2019 version gave a new spin on the origin of Joker. A mental illness, societal depression, “failed stand-up comedian whose descent into insanity and nihilism inspires a violent counter-cultural revolution” (Wikipedia). Then it takes ONE BAD DAY to tip Arthur into the epitome character familiar in pop culture. What about Lex as the nemesis? n the current comics he manipulated his way to “god status” under Perpetua who is killing the multi-verse until the “Batman Who Laughs” knocks him out of the position. Just food for thought. Pg. 24 Lois’s dialogue “We won’t survive another manic president.” This is a powerful statement that can cause controversy with our polarized society, so make sure you have strong action verbs that drives Lois’s conviction and self-beliefs with her views on the world. Pg. 28, why does the wind not influence the flying man’s shabby clothes? “She’s lying” – “She lies” Pg. 28 SLUG can be rewritten to INT. APARTMENT – DAY this is because you already preestablished we are in the city of Metropolis. Keep SLUGS clear of any extra letters or words, A, An, The, etc. There seems to be quite a lot of filler words in your dialogue such as “So”, “Also,” etc. I’d recommend keeping those to a minimum. It’s like listening to a speaker, say “um, mm, err” during a dialogue. I’d recommend giving the characters a certain tick. Stroking their chin, curling a lip corner, Pg. 32 Clark’s expository dialogue felt out of character and place. Maybe I’m read and watched so much Superman (Smallville, Lois & Clark, all the animated cartoons, even the 1966 re-runs. I’ve even watched the films from the 1978 Superman starring Christopher Reeves to the current Justice League and Shazam! Cameo. Note, with this much history of such a famous over-powered character, his dialogue and action from page 28 until the end needs to be consistent and give a glimpse to his backstory that you envision. Did Clark come from Krypton as a baby and grow up in Smallville, Kansas? Or is there something unique. Think of James Gunn’s terrifying “Brightburn” film. He twisted the mythos. Into a horror film. Page 55, think realistically if Clark stopped a train in motion, wouldn’t it have effect like Will Smith’s “Hancock” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLRNYIT42ig Pg. 59 Lex expository says Lex wants to murder Clark because he’s a freak of nature that defies physics and has the [potential to hinder his elevation to become the ruler of the USA. How about twisting it to the discovery that Clark is actually an alien fugitive? That Clark is doing these good acts to atone for the crimes he did at his home world. Maybe he’s the progenitor of the Brightburn child? Or another twist is that Clark is not your stereotypical superhero or “simple an”. Pg. 98 when Clark fights the TANKS, I couldn’t help visualizing The Hulk in the 2003 movie. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_TuUr6-dC0 And the Justice League 2017 movie where Superman sees the Flash. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klX0jtvFfx0 Of course, there is controversy on how fast Superman can be (https://screenrant.com/flash-superman-faster-secret-reason/) Pg. 98 the SLUG is too descriptive. Recommend “INT. BUNKER – DAY” and the rest of the description within the following action statement. I recommend using https://datayze.com/passive-voice-detector to capture readability and passive voice.
Overall, the script is well-formatted and follows the plot beats pretty good. t may be my own sense of humor, but I did not relate to any comedic tropes you attempted. I don't want to nit-pick this work because I can tell you spent a lot of hours and hard work to make this comes to life. Pun intended. I suggest looking for the screenplays for "Apartment 1303" (Japanese version and the 2007 film based on STephen King's short story "1408". Bizzare events, dramatic beats, character dialogue and horror aspects would assist you in pulling the tropes and thematic elements into the script. I'm not saying it's not good, just that it can use a bit more unpredictability and help with the ending, which a horror fan like myself predicted. Some of my initial items in the first 10 pages are: pg 1. Action line suggest remove the word Neat. Combine "Immaculately clean and organized." It reads a double stating the description. No need to restate this type of music. Streamline the action to, "An Antique RECORD PLAYER plays a vinyl. It spins hypnotically beneath the needle." Do people leave lipstick in the medicine cabinet or on the sink counter? Just asking because my personal experience has been the countertop. Marching = Marches How does he kick the chair if he stands on it? Tip it over, maybe? Great introduction to Darwin. I think you can give a couple of sentences to bring Madeline and Ed motivation or thematic life. As it is, they feel more as supporting characters that are 2-dimensional. The paranormal question from Scotty came out of nowhere. I think even buzzed Darwin would have reacted stronger at such an odd question and seeing FRANK in the closet.
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