Wanna See
0

The Photograph

short
By Marlon Schwiersch
Mystery/Suspense,Horror,Thriller

One simple photograph can change a person's life, for better or worse.

Approved
Nominee
Draft #2
Peer Rating: 49%
Industry Rating: N/A
Draft 3: 49%
Draft 2: 60%
Draft 1: 53%
4 Reviews | 9 pages | 1 month ago | Draft 3

Summary

A boy finds a picture of a beautiful girl one day at school. The girl in the photograph is holding her hand up with two fingers extended to make a peace sign. He asks around but absolutely no one has ever seen or heard of her. One night, he hears a knock at his window followed by a girl giggling. He goes outside with the photo and follows the giggling, which seems to come from the woods across the street. When he crosses the street, he is immediately struck and killed. The driver tries to help him but it's too late. Lying on the road away from the body is the photograph, of a very beautiful girl, holding up three fingers.

Industry Reviews

Peer Reviews

Writer, this screenplay has come leaps and bounds from the first time I read it.
You’ve done a fantastic job cleaning out the characters a bit more. I particularly enjoyed the interplay between Russel and his sister.
I think a bit more work can be done showing rather than telling however. Early on in the script you TELL the reader that the kids are bored. Think of this in terms of a movie and SHOW us how they are bored. Are they doodling? Are...

1 month ago | read more...
Grant Miller Top Reviewer
I enjoyed the story. It was well written. Your dialogue was excellent. Your scene and action descriptions were concise and sufficient. A boy finds a photograph and is led to his death by the girl in the picture is an excellent concept. The story lacked tension, though. Perhaps, you could have the boy immediately hear more than giggles but beckoning calls or he could even see an apparition gesturing for him to come to her. He could fight the desir...

1 month ago | read more...
D Scott Mangione Top Reviewer
Much better than your earlier draft! Its much more concise and clear. I think you can trim back a little bit of the few blocks of scene description in the last few pages(left you a few ideas how to do this in the additional comments section) and there's a few bits of dialogue you can trim slightly.

You still have some "is" and "as" that still need to be changed to present tense and I think you can condense the teachers opening line to somethin...

2 weeks ago | read more...
john M Top Reviewer
The last line of about the girl holding up 3 fingers was really cool. Unfortunately the rest of it didn't measure up to that single line. You really need:
1) to give your characters description otherwise they're just a name.
2) rethink the dialogue and ask if people really sound like that?
3). read up on correct formatting.
4) There needs to be more to a story than I found a picture, I asked around, the picture killed me.

Here are some...

1 week ago | read more...
vince caruso Top Reviewer
This is a well-structured story in which you are trying to explore the first signs of puberty. It seems that the attractive girl's photo is cursed, and that's why the main character is killed at the end of the story (I cannot think of any other reason). As soon as I read your description, I was immediately transported to Japanese anime (Death Note,...) or a children's show (Gravity Falls), so I recommend you make it into an animation. I think one...

1 month ago | read more...
Here were my thoughts on your script:

1. Concept - I liked the concept you went with. More of a mystery horror/thriller instead of a basic horror and you seemed to have fun with it.

2. Story - I feel like this is where the script falls flat for me unfortunately. It could be my fault since I binge watch horror a lot, but the ending and climax were pretty predictable. I think it could've been a more out of the box ending where he somehow gets...

1 month ago | read more...
Cyle Brooks Top Reviewer
So, I just read a short horror script called The Photograph. On a scale of 1 to 10, my verdict is a 20! Personally, I think the script could be a feature film rather than a short film. Some of the best short scripts that are written could eventually end being written as a feature-length film. For example, The Babadook was a short horror film in the beginning but later on became a feature film. The movie Lights Out was a short horror movie that w...

2 months ago | read more...
Hunter Huiet Top Reviewer
Overall, I think this script tells an amazing story with a crazy plot twist at the end that literally made me gasp when I read it. The events throughout the story flow nicely with the pace with which it is read, so that's really good too. However, the characters need a little more time on the page/screen with more description written in the script so the reader/viewer can relate to them more, making the story more engaging for whichever is the in...

2 months ago | read more...
Let me start by saying that this script has a great twist. I sincerely enjoyed it. However, I found it very difficult finish.
There a several glaring issues with the structure of this screenplay. Starting off, your action blocks are WAY to big. You have a lot of fat that need trimmed.
Get rid of any line that directs the camera. Your job is to WRITE the story, not direct it. Let the action blocks dictate the camera.
As far as your scenes are...

2 months ago | read more...
Grant Miller Top Reviewer

Recommended for You

Someone chases protagnist,but doesn't know why.
Torn
short
Nikolette(Niko) who’s is a daddies girl, is involved in a tough situation. She meets a friend, Korey, who suddenly has a condition Nikolette(Niko) helps him overcome while struggling to get something that belongs to her.
Bond has a wild adventure ahead of him with his arch nemesis Blofeld.