Danny Nightwing wants three things in life, he wants to go to school, he wants to be like other teenagers, and he wants to kiss girls. However, that's hard to do when your dad is insistent that you be a part of your families cult.
Danny struggles between making his dad happy and doing what he wants, but he seems to finally catch a break when he becomes the cult's oracle (or speaker) for their dark elder God, Bolgothra.
No one can see or hear Bolgothra except for Danny, so being the irresponsible teenager he is, this becomes an excuse to get away with whatever he wants. And his first request is to go to a public high school.
I think the concept is quite original. Although it has some formulaic elements, the use of the dark lord as a figure of tragedy is fresh and appealing. The story appears strong and simple, not prone to confusion or needing clarification. I have no concern about your structure. Technically, it appears that the script is strong. Character development is good because in 23 pages, I feel it is quite difficult to...
1. Concept - Although the concept itself isn't original entirely, I did like the fact that you took a comedy approach instead of the overdone horror approach.
2. Story - I thought the story was easy enough to follow, albeit a bit predictable. Despite it's predictability, the story felt like it was at a good pace which is always nice.
3. Structure - Formatting and structuring were good for the most pa...