Wanna See
1

Bread and Circuses

television
By Keith St. Lawrence
Comedy,Thriller

When his best friend is suddenly put on the path to stardom, a writer realizes that Hollywood may be hiding some strange secrets.

Approved
Winner
Draft #2
Nominee
Draft #1
Peer Rating: 55%
Industry Rating: N/A
Draft 2: 55%
Draft 1: 53%
4 Reviews | 37 pages | 11 months ago | Draft 2

Summary

Eric Woods and Casey Blackburn have been best friends since college and are even trying to make it in the weird world of Hollywood together. During one of the shoots of the show they both work on, A+ list manager, Xander Blair, sets his sights on Casey and invites her and her friends out for the night, which for Eric turns out to be a night he'll never forget.

Industry Reviews

Peer Reviews

The script was great. The characters were mostly likeable and interesting, with multiple dimensions added to their layers. One example of this is Eric, who is somewhat shy, but also very skilled in scrip-writing. Other characters like Casey, Heather, and Carnelia are also pretty interesting and have a lot of depth that really makes them stand out. The Hollywood setting is also very intriguing and shows a great glimpse of star life and how the peo...

10 months ago | read more...
Advait Dantuluri Top Reviewer
The strongest parts of the script were the concept and the story: a weird, almost-alien cadre that controls Hollywood talent. This concept, however, seemed introduced a bit into the story and then forgotten for long periods of time. It is billed as a comedy and a thriller. The thriller part could have been enhanced by shadowy appearances of the Monarch Butterfly people here and there, something to suggest that they were constantly surveilling the...

10 months ago | read more...
Chris Dahl Top Reviewer
Hello, I will get started. Your descriptions in the action column are very clear and makes it easy to read it's not too much however there are some spelling and grammar errors in both the action column and in the dialogue. The next thing that stood out is that you have slug lines but you don't have transitions such as; CUT TO:, DISSOLVE TO:, FADE OUT. etc., I would maybe use a template to help you with this or simply googling it is fine to since...

10 months ago | read more...
E Hamilton Top Reviewer
Hi. So I'm just going to hop right in I don't have a lot of critique for you to be honest. I did notice that you're lacking transitions such as; DISSOLVE TO:, CUT TO:, etc they usually come before slug lines if you need help with that I would honestly just suggest using a template from whatever screenwriting software that you've adapted to using. Also be mindful that a script needs to be in courier 12 point font, most competitions and production...

10 months ago | read more...
Thoughts (while reading)

Good opening

Your characters do not have descriptions. You need more visuals. The way you describe Casey on page 9 works.

Page 2 – the karaoke scene comes into play later on. Why not have them guess Hailey Rodgers? That could be a callback to an earlier scene. Also, a talking point for when Eric meets her.

Page 14 - the characters find out what happened to the singer from the opening but the audience already...

1 year ago | read more...
Teigh Reed Top Reviewer
A very strong concept and a clever idea, one that works very well. The ideas and proverbs about the price of fame and what fame costs are constantly thrown about. As well as the difficulty and dangers associated with the entertainment business. These provide the perfect setting for the supernatural/thriller elements of the genre.
The scenes are well written and they flow nicely. it is a brisk pace which works very well for the genre. The dialog...

1 year ago | read more...
First: people back in the 1700's don't say "like" and "literally" in that type of conversation...
Lots of grammatical and spelling mistakes...

ERIC
So, is this work for you?

Does this work for you, not is.

The group heads over to what turns out to be an ELEVATOR
located in one of the hallways. It's blocked by another
bouncer, but he lets them in as soon as he sees Casey.

Elevator does not need to be capitalized in this instance....

1 year ago | read more...
Erez Bailen Top Reviewer

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