How Far Will a Father Go For His Daughter's Soul?
SummaryGrief-stricken from the loss of his daughter Milana, Doug takes his own life and finds himself stuck in purgatory. With the help of a life-sized version of his daughter's favorite UglyDoll, Doug travels through all realms of the afterlife in search of his daughter's soul.
- Is the Concept strong/original?
It's high concept enough to draw you in.
- Does the logline/first ten pages draw the reader?
Since this is a short and only 13 pages I'll say that the first 2 pages set the stage for things to come. My only critique comes from a bulky action line that opened up the script -- it felt a little boring, but was robust with necessary info.
- Are scenes well-written?
For the most part it was well written. Again, I'll mention that the opening action sequences dragged because of no breaks in the text -- although it was well written I felt like I was reading an academic text with it being 19 lines for the 1 action set. There were definitely opportunities to break it up and have it feel more fluid.
There was also a little confusion for me when he began to scale the mountain. Some of the details made me stop and have to reread to understand whether he's on the cliff, the side of the mountain, the lip of the mountain, the opening of the cave, the cliff face -- it was too detailed and should've been kept simple so I as the reader could imagine it more fluidly.
- Is the protagonist/antagonist compelling enough?
I actually really felt for Doug. His motivation was clear and every move he made pushed him towards it. Great job on that.
- Does the dialogue drive the story/character?
There actually isn't much dialogue in this script, but the few moments between him and Squishy we're well placed. And the dialogue between him and his daughter was organic and felt believable.
- Is the conflict real/genuine?
It was genuine in the way it was presented. I wish we would've touched base on his wife/Milana's mom. The stakes and reasoning behind his actions could've been heightened if we found out she'd died or even if he just somberly looked over a pic of her and Milana.
It's well paced.
- Does the Climax/Resolution satisfy the reader?
The climax worked perfectly for the story and the reveal of God granting him that last moment most definitely tugged at some heart strings.
- Does the script read well?
There were some camera and directorial cues that pulled me out of the story. They seemed well thought out and timely but unless this is the shooting script or the writer is also going to direct, I'd completely pull any camera instructions. Besides that it was well written.
This is a really cool concept, but to be fair, it does have its cliches, specifically the "parent doing anything to save their child" cliche. The first few pages really dragged me in. You cut right to the action from line one, which I really enjoyed. The scenes flowed nicely, and I didn't find myself having to backtrack to figure out what was going on. The use of somewhat minimal dialogue is a nice touch, it really keeps the focus on the action, and not on some wisecrack or something. The only real complaint about flow is it seems too slow near the end. Just my opinion, anyway. I thought the ending was really sweet, even if it leaves some questions to be answered. This was a very good read, and I think if you made those improvements you'd be ready to shoot!