SummaryBruce is a washed-up boxing trainer who happens upon some children beating an inflatable "bop clown", and sees "his" potential as a boxing contender.
The comedy comes is in the surreal relationship between this silent, inanimate object and the people around it who treat it like any other person. Most scenes are written to be extremely serious, but are hilarious when the inanimate protagonist is taken into account.
There is a strong focus on building the relationship between the bop clown, and his trainer and fitting the arc of their friendship into a 16 page script.
After their meteoric rise through the local boxing circuit, a decision must be made between loyalty to your ideals, and protecting those you care about.
this script is ridiculous, in the best possible way. I'm sure this is supposed to be a spoof of something like Creed, but it feels a lot like Logan, at least the two lead characters do. the dialogue is crisp and real, the visual comedy is hilarious and easily imaginable. the final pages, from Bop getting shot to the end, are absolutely amazing, and heartfelt and emotional and tragic. if I absolutely have to nitpick, this script is going for spoofy realism, so i think the montage should take place over like a few months instead of just a day, because no boxer gets famous in a day, maybe that's what you were going for, the script just doesn't exactly read that way. this is one of those films that might be bashed by some people, but there is a niche of people who will absolutely love it. this is a film I need to see, but probably never will. its so crazy no studio would greenlight it, but its a film that's so crazy it just might work
Concept is good but could be made better.
The script certainly started well. It hooked me but as it progresses, its shortcomings creeps in and that is just the shortcomings of the writer.
The dialogue is good but could be better.
The action/description is nice but could be made better.
The protagonists are interesting. Bruce and Bop clown are outstanding but a few things are out of place in them.
It's a comedy script, I get it. It's something no one thought of, I get it. But keep an open mind on this, why would Bruce decide to train a bop clown for anything? Seeing that it could take a hit is just not enough reason. What happened to it before the preteens started beating it? Does it posses anything special? If so, what is it? Or is Bruce seeing things in his head? This is just food for thought.
The climax is good.
The material was well-written and the format looked good to me. I felt that the dialogue was solid. Much of it was catchy though some of it seemed a little too expositional. However with a short you have to get that information in there somehow and don’t have a lot of time to do it in. The story flowed well and was easy to follow. All the images were clear and concise. I could see the scenes unfold. There were a few typos: "This might work on a broken...", "waving pillows", "points at him", "and falls straight back", etc.
The concept was the sticking point for me. It's supposed to be a comedy and while I can see how if filmed parts could be funny...I just didn’t get it. It's definitely not traditional comedy. I personally didn't connect with the material. It seemed bizarre to me that everyone acted like the bop clown was a real person. I'm guessing this is supposed to be a little like "ted"? While "ted" did really well at the box-office, I felt that was strange too. While it may have seemed a little too unconventional for my tastes, many do like that sort of comedy.
I think your story would be better if you gave a voice to the bop clown as the movie “Ted” does to the bear. I feel the Bop Clown needs a personality to help move the story along and build a genuine relationship between the main character and itself. Also, it distracts from the story to have it not speak. At first I kept wondering if the old guy was just crazy - hearing voices in his head or something. I thought maybe he’s been hit in the head one too many times. It's awkward that he's responding to something we can't hear. I also felt that the character's emotions should be shown more through their actions than with their words. Again this is difficult since the Bop Clown doesn’t speak and Bruce has no one to truly react to since the Bop Clown is inanimate.
Despite my feelings that it’s awkward, I keep trying to imagine where I’d see a short like this and if I’d think it was funny. I’m having trouble imagining it unless it played before a feature like the “Minions” clips do. In that context it may be different enough to grab my attention in that, “oh my god – that guy’s crazy talking to a toy” and I’d probably laugh at the ridiculousness of it.
First, the structure of the story is on point. There is a clear three-act structure, several challenges Bruce, the protagonist, must overcome, and even a twist at the end. The pace is steady and it never bores the reader. The ending image mirrors the opening image and leaves the reader feeling warm.
Bruce's character is developed nicely, most of it during one-sided conversations with BOP, a Bop clown, his protégé. The reader is given a glimpse into Bruce’s past, and how he wishes he could still jump in the ring. This was a difficult feat to pull-off, as BOP cannot participate in the conversations. Props to the writer for this!
The dialogue is appropriately succinct. The writer avoided the newbie pitfall of including in the dialogue exactly what they are thinking and what they are doing; the whole, “Show don’t tell,” philosophy is well-utilized here. It reveals enough of the backstory, characters’ thoughts, and their intentions without being too wordy and drawn-out. This is a massive struggle for most writers in the short script realm.
The pace of this script is steady and even. Some may think that maintaining a steady and even pace is easy in a short script, but you would be surprised! It isn’t always easy. I’ve read and written plenty of shorts that suffer in this department, largely because I didn’t know where I wanted the story to go. However, this was not a problem for this writer. They knew exactly where they were going with this story and wasted no time getting there.
Now, for this script’s sole downfall. BOP. For me, this was an unusual choice for a main character. Perhaps BOP is a reflection of Bruce; BOP consistently bounces back when he is struck, whereas Bruce does not. This would explain the guilt at the end of the script expressed by Bruce. Or maybe I am way off track. Anyways, the choice of a Bop Clown was too unusual for me to really feel anything towards that character. At the end, I did feel sorry for Bruce, but felt indifferent towards BOP. It is imperative that for whatever audience you’re targeting, ALL of your characters evoke some kind of feeling for the reader.
The best way to do this is the method made popular in the book, “Save the Cat.” Make the character save a cat, a dog, a baby, anything that would garner support from the audience and reader! Even a villain who does this earns points in the empathy department, which creates a multi-dimensional villain. In BOP’s case, seeing as he is pretty much an inanimate object, I’m not sure how the writer would accomplish this feat. But the fact the writer was able to utilize BOP in a boxing ring makes me think it is possible!
Despite this downfall, the writer definitely has potential. The talent is evident, the formatting is appropriate, and the technique is there. Keep up the good writing and good luck in your future endeavors! I look forward to reading more of your work.