ScriptMother

Bop Short

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A washed-up boxing trainer finds new hope in an unlikely protege: An inflatable bop clown.

Rating

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Genre: Comedy
No. Reviews: 2 | Length: 16 pages
Published: 2 weeks ago

Summary

Bruce is a washed-up boxing trainer who happens upon some children beating an inflatable "bop clown", and sees "his" potential as a boxing contender.

The comedy comes is in the surreal relationship between this silent, inanimate object and the people around it who treat it like any other person. Most scenes are written to be extremely serious, but are hilarious when the inanimate protagonist is taken into account.

There is a strong focus on building the relationship between the bop clown, and his trainer and fitting the arc of their friendship into a 16 page script.

After their meteoric rise through the local boxing circuit, a decision must be made between loyalty to your ideals, and protecting those you care about.

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REVIEWS

Grammar/Syntax
I would recommend copy and pasting the entire screenplay into Grammarly. If you're not familiar with the program, it's free for the basic use which is very useful and helps identify several mistakes.
They aren't major, and should only take you a few minutes. This will greatly increase the readability of your script.

Try to avoid words that end with "ing" when you write your action sequences. This helps move the action along quicker and helps keep it in the active tense as opposed the infinitive.

EX: "Bruce is disgusted as he puts his mouth right up against Bop Clown who is looking a bit deflated."

SHOULD READ: "Bruce is disgusted AND puts his mouth right up against Bop Clown, who looks defeated."


Characters
BRUCE seems like your typical washed-up boxing trainer that's looking for a diamond in the rough. You could consider making him a little more atypical. It might be fun to explore the option of him being just a fan of the sport that sees the brilliance in BOP CLOWN. This could also help raise his stakes at the end making it even more important to win.
BOP CLOWN is a very clever device, again I'd reiterate the importance of making Bruce's story that much more meaningful since Bop Clown is not as much of a character as it is metaphorical.

Pace/Plot
The script suffers from technical issues, grammatical issues, and syntax issues. Once those (in my mind VERY MINOR) issues are resolved, I have no doubt that the pace of the script will be even more fun than it already is.
The Plot is one that we as readers and viewers have seen before, but what makes this story unique is the Bop Clown angle. One way to make this stand out a little more, and add a little more originality to it would be to find a different resolution to the ending. After all, Bop Clown can always be patched up.

Your script is fun, you're well on your way to making it really good and original.

  • 2 weeks ago
  • |
  • 4.25

I think its a funny skit. It would work great for a YouTube skit but not as a show or movie. The dialogue needs a little work. Also the formatting made it difficult to read. Some of the dialogue not labeled, action lines run into the dialogue etc. You also had some spelling and grammar issues.

  • 2 weeks ago
  • |
  • 3.25