A postman gets requited as a state agent because he has a time travel ability
SummaryIt is what it is. There is some fairly complicated time travel here that is mixed in with a simple story.
I wrote this script as a challenge where the lead had to be a postman and the topic was etiquette. So this is what I came up with. I feel like my new draft is much better than my last draft and that I'm improving it a lot with each draft. But I want to how much potential this script has. There are cool scenes here so don't worry about it being all boring.
I can see that this site has just given me a ton of reviews on the screenplay because I clicked the "Make available for review" option which then drained my account for points. That's fine but I just meant to test the site with the screenplay not get a ton of reviews on it. I usually just throw away a screenplay or do a full rewrite if the first 2 reviews are not at least a bit positive. But I hope to learn a lot from all these reviews! It's very fascinating to see how one reader loves a part and thinks it's great while another reader says that this very part is what ruins the screenplay for him. 2 completely opposite opinions which is fun and scary at the same time. I obviously cannot implement all the suggested changes unless I make several versions of the screenplay. But all of this also shows that the site can be very much active if I just use it. So I will try to see what else I have. 99% of my stuff is just very short screenplays.
Concept is great. I love time travel stuff.
However, plot is not what I expected. For me, it was a bit disappointing.
The first ten pages was good but as the story progresses, it got lost.
Dialogue is good but could be better.
Protagonist is compelling enough but he has to do more. He has to take more risks.
The scenes are written well but they could be better.
Pacing is a bit slow.
The conflict especially the fighting are not very real.
The concept is differently original. Although I would categorize it under Sci-Fi and a Rom Com, not Suspense and Mystery. The log line stays true for the overall concept of the piece. The pacing of some scenes were really fast it's like they're driving romantically all the sudden her head's in his crotch or they're staring out the window now they're in bed. I really disliked the whole concept of Aksel, he had this amazing ability and I was all for him using it to spy on the government, but as soon as it turned into trying to impress Trine and focused on that I turned into a Rom Com. If you took the path of he becomes a spy and that Trine was sent from the government to neutralize him and at the end she like drugs him or something like that that would be more appealing. But just having her be seduced by one of the agents who hired him just to make him happy just cheapens her character. I mean she already knew how to shoot a gun so the bricks are there to make her an assassin. I'm assuming he going to try to woo her again at the end, although he knows she was basically lying to him says a lot about the type of girl she is and to me it didn't make sense for him to want to pursue her again.
First and foremost, it's a clever concept. Time travel is a touchy subject, due to its massive ramifications and is almost never properly executed. However, by scaling down the idea to simple one-minute intervals, it narrowly limits the scope and provides greater room for success. Additionally, the dramatic irony created by the reader knowing something already happened, while most characters do not, sets up an entertaining tension. That being said, in order to really work, the articulation of the concept needs to be much clearer. I often found myself wondering whether I was reading something for the first or second time, although scenes like the shooting and fight scenes at the end actually had pretty well-done versions of this discrete time-travel. Perhaps, employing more parallelisms and keywords to act as road signs throughout the complex action could be beneficial.
Furthermore, I particularly enjoyed the mundane usage of the time-travel. I like that instead of saving the world, Aksel mostly used his powers to try to court a girl. The small moments, especially those between Aksel and Trine, were probably my favorite moments of the script. I think that the gag was not overdone and made me connect to those characters in a really genuine way, despite the absurd premise.
However, if this was entirely a small-minded script, trying to use time-travel as a device that would add an extra element of tension, I would be in. Maybe even as a corny kind of rom-com, this concept would work. Where you lose me is with the introduction of the larger themes and the overall plot. Having read the entire script, I still don't understand who the agents are, what they want, and how they can exist outside of Aksel's time travel only in some cases. For example, they're able to track him during the shooting competition, but consistently miss their mark while trying to fight him. I'm also not clear on the relationship between Ebbe and Trine, why the Christmas Party is the bait, or what is in it for her.
Generally, when dealing with a topic as inherently confusing as time-travel, the burden of clarity is significantly raised. In order for me to follow your story, I need to be so 100% clear on everything else going on that I'll be able to maintain focus throughout. Yet early on there is significant ambiguity in character introduction and scene geography, meaning from the start I don't know who I'm dealing with and where they are. That severely limits my ability to construct a picture in my head and dooms any potential for following the plot the rest of the way. In addition, there are several jumps that are not immediately clear, which is okay in and of itself, but many of them remain unexplained for the remainder of the script. I can sense certain intentional motifs, such as the coffee falling, but don't entirely understand their meaning. Perhaps I'm just not getting it, but I would say that to improve your writing you really need to get out of your head and let me know exactly what is going on.
With all of this being said, I think the script has potential up until page 32. The ending makes no sense. There's an exposition dump that's not clear, there's a whole lot of reversals and meaningful acts deprived of actual meaning, and it really takes me out of the smallish dramedy that was written in the previous pages. Get rid of it. Make it better. Do something because without a good ending, you've got nothing.
In summary, you've got a good concept, mostly solid characters, but the plot is hampering the script. Tone it down, make it clear, and really get into the bones of what you've got because I think that has potential to be something good.