A pregnant woman in is giving birth and her husband in hot pursuit to the hospital.
SummaryThis is the intro and some scene to a film, about the importance of family over work. I made some changes to the dialogue and grammar. I've added some more scenes and reshaped some characters and dialogue. I am not sure if I did the flashback scene correctly.
I would focus on grammar, clarity, and plot. Find the goals of the characters and give them harsh obstacles to overcome. I wrote a more in-depth piece but the website froze and everything got deleted. I'm not sure what the writer's intent is. Maybe email me and let me know, so I can try to help further. But at this juncture, we're just not ready to start the analysis.
I think your story is refreshing an unlike other story I’ve read so far. The beginning of the Story is exciting and hectic, but I would dial this feeling of panic up a bit. The concept of following newly becoming Parents and the most intense moments is very interesting to read and the part with the Office was pretty funny. I don’t think that the logline really captures the whole story, it just describes the beginning and honestly didn’t really excite me to read the story at all. The scenes over all a written very well, although sometimes it had information in it that was just confusing because I didn’t understand how this was important for the scene or story. I think the two main characters are amazing, I think the conflict that the mother has Is very heartbreaking, but I found the friendship between Leonard and Timothy kind of weird. The conflict of a sneaky or backstabbing friend is very enticing but I found their conversations a bit boring and without personality. I would recommend making their conversation feel more like friends or tell the audience that their relationship is a bit quieter than others. Towards the end it gets better with the Ketchup-Bottle-Part, and the reveal why Leonard did what he did is very well done. The dialogue is helping the story move along and you don’t fell like the story is not going anywhere, it is very well done. The conflicts of both characters are interesting and surprisingly mundane if you think about it, but it doesn’t feel that way in this story. The reveal of Leonard was okay but I think it was overshadowed by the bomb-shell Rebecca dropped at the end.