Blind Ambition Short

By nene7884

A pregnant woman in is giving birth and her husband in hot pursuit to the hospital.

Rating

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Genre: Family
No. Reviews: 2 | Length: 4 pages
Published: 1 week ago

Summary

This is the intro scene to a film, about the importance of family over work

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REVIEWS

First, the concept was good but the execution was not done that well (does not mean you don't write well). I didn't get the sense of the title (Blind Ambition) from what I just read. I mean, he was actually at a class when the contractions of Rebecca started. He was kinda at a place he was meant to be. So, it wasn't convincing that he was more work-focused which resulted in missing an important family moment. In short, the stakes were never high and the reason behind the few stakes not entirely convincing.

Also, the ending wasn't a good pay-off for me but oh well. The dialogue was good in many areas but I have suggestions for some lines just to make it more realistic.

Like the line Rebecca said: "Do you mean C-section?". That just sounded like Rebecca speaking on behalf of the reader. For someone in great labour pains, she could have just said: "C-section?". I know it sounds minute but these small changes make the dialogue more realistic and less expository.

Also the line by Timothy: "She is so precious". Hmm...I felt "She is so beautiful" would have just worked better, no matter how cliche it sounds. Sometimes, the simplest ideas are the most important.

All the same, good effort and your use of description is apt and solid. I have to commend you on that. Your best is yet to come.

  • 1 week ago
  • |
  • 2.75

The story was pretty bland in what it delivered. It's an everyday situation (which isn't a bad thing) but happened in a very regular way. I don't get what the title had to do with the story.

I'm actually confused about who Jennifer was in the story -- I get that she hands Timothy the note about his child being born, but where did she get the information from and why did she get it instead of him? Did she get a text -- why wouldn't he have gotten it?

Although the conflict felt genuine, it was flat and pretty normal. The stakes were never raised (which is ok in a 4-page script), but it didn't make me care too much about the characters or situation.

The dialogue was OK, but there were a few moments of cheesiness that felt forced. You wrote action lines that were internal thoughts or situations that couldn't be represented like "He promised Rebecca he wouldn't miss the birth of their daughter" -- like, I get the sentiment, but it should've been shown in a flashback or said out loud or something. The way it's written in just takes up space on the page and adds no value to the script.

Random, but it threw me off that Timothy was 21 and Rebecca was 27. It's not anything important, but it made me think that there was some story behind it which didn't pay off.

  • 1 week ago
  • |
  • 1.75