The spirit of a murdered girl, angry at a Detective’s failure to bring her killer to justice, holds the man’s wife hostage in an attempt to force him to exact her revenge on the killer, while he must find a way to save his wife without losing his own soul.
SummaryDreams that turn out to be psychic in nature drive a woman (Megan Fritz) to obsession, trying to save a girl that visits her dreams, but who is actually the spirit of a girl who was the victim of an unsolved murder, investigated by the woman’s Detective husband (Sam Fritz). Megan believes that what she is seeing in her dreams is a premonition, and thus, if she acts quickly enough she can prevent the girl's demise. However, as we find out, the girl has already been killed and the girl is actually an angry spirit. At the same time Megan is making sense of her dreams, Sam continues to unsuccessfully investigate the girl's murder. The girl brings Megan and Sam together when she is able to lure Megan to the scene of the crime and possess her body. Sam is blackmailed by the girl/spirit to be the vessel of her revenge on the killer, or loose his wife forever. Sam must find a way to save his wife and not loose soul doing it.
The concept was cool, although it had some confusing logic which may have been able to be fixed within a feature or tv format. The scenes are well placed and paced, but poorly formatted (that goes for the script as a whole -- it seemed like there were just moments of misplacing and lack of attention within whichever screenwriting program the writer was using) which made it a bit hard to read and caused me to work through it instead of just enjoy it.
The dialogue was too expository at times and felt forced. It seemed more like situational dialogue than it felt like real people speaking in real life.
I like that Megan had her own internal issues outside of the nightmares themselves but the stakes were raised in a weird way. Once she lost her book deal and after her husband left it didn't seem like she was really affected at all, her only issue was the nightmare. Speaking of the husband, he DEFINITELY didn't feel like a real person -- he overreacted in moments where he should've been sympathetic, and was calm in moments where an overreaction would've been called for.
A couple of questions I have as a reader:
- Why did the girl reach out to Megan in particular? (from the way Sam is placed in the story it feels like he would've made a better protagonist to be in Megan's position -- he actually has a history with the girl and not being able to "save" her and bring the father to justice)
- Does the murderous father have a new daughter or was that a projection of the demon girls doing?
- Why would Sam wait weeks before reaching out to Megan's mom? A married man who loves his wife would periodically check in and probably have some angst the moment she doesn't respond. Especially as a cop.
I think your concept is good but not well executed.
The first 3 pages didn't draw me in. The scenes are not well written. The protagonist is not compelling enough. The characters doesn't sound or look real enough. The conflict in the story isn't very much interesting. And the ending just left me hanging not in a way that I want more but in a way that left me confused.
First, I have to commend the ending. It actually generated some emotion in me. You exactly knew where to stop. And your descriptions were apt and dialogue was okay overall.
I had issue with the title, first and foremost. 'Save the girl' works for me along the line of a murder mystery of a girl that needs to be saved, not a mystery drama turned horror. And then, I realized maybe the girl that needed to be saved here is Megan, not the murdered girl whose ghost that later turned to become the villain, not the victim of the story.
But the logic of the story is questionable. Why can't the ghost of the murdered girl just go after her killers instead of disturbing the wife of the policeman investigating her case? Or can't it just go after Sam himself and hunt his nightmares? The concept is very questionable and I don't see this making a great feature length except the whole thing is revamped.
Also for a horror, I didn't feel scared actually (felt more like a thriller) and the major part that thrilled me was the ending and of course, when Megan finally went to the house. I think this needs a heavy rewrite but amidst the cracks, I can see the talent of the writer.
As a writer, you are on the line that straddles between 'Pass' and 'Consider' (I know I gave a pass after some thoughts).