ScriptMother

Lily Short

By iAmBenny

A young woman finds out that the biological father she's never known is terminally ill. One of his final requests is to see her before he passes.

Rating

Rating is only available to members
Genre: Drama
No. Reviews: 2 | Length: 11 pages
Published: 3 months ago

Summary

A touching short about a father and daughter relationship that only gets a chance to blossom towards the end of the father's life.

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REVIEWS

This is a warm story about forgiveness. I enjoyed the use of flashbacks and with some good direction, it could be done creatively to enhance the cinematic experience.

The characters seem genuine. Particularly Lily who is understandably “not about” seeing her bio-dad. My issues come with Tim as he feels very flat. His reasoning for not being in her life comes off as one giant excuse. I don’t know how she isn’t able to see this Sorry I was an addict but I watched you at the park… i would rather have never met the guy. So what if you saw me. Man the f up and be in my life. What would make this better is if the story was actually about his substance abuse. If you show us Tim fighting with it, trying to get better (him telling us that he was in and out of rehab isn’t enough, it's a visual medium) show us him in a crack house, having to fight for some food, show us every time he tells himself this is the last time, show us the circumstances that lead him away from his goal. Right now he has no arc, but what if his arc is just admitting that he was weak, and his daughter calling him on his BS is what does it.

This feels like it wants a so bad to have a happy ending, but you’re dressing something so serious in a short page count that, should it even have a happy ending? Or maybe a solid character arc is the happy ending, for the audience.

Maybe her character arc has something to do with Roland, and seeing her bio-dad is the catalyst for really coming to terms with Roland being there for her.

As a man, I wonder if I would ever allow anyone near the little girl i'm supposed to be protecting. Especially her deadbeat dad. Most often, the step dad doesn’t want the child anywhere near them, so that part I didn’t buy. I do like structurally, that he’s the reason why, but the slight twist at the end doesn’t make sense in the real world.

Last point, maybe I missed this, but if Tim was watching her at the park, maybe they had little interactions here and there, then when did these interactions stop?there’s a big gap of time I’m not accounting for. Why the fall off?

  • 2 months ago
  • |
  • 2.5

Concept is good. Dialogue is good. Pacing is good but could be better. The story certainly drew me in from the beginning. Our character is interesting. Then the flashback scenes are good but could be better. Especially the way they were written not the content. The climax was a little disappointing to me because I think Lily forgave so fast.
In all, the script does read well.
Great job Benny.

  • 1 month ago
  • |
  • 3.75