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Lily (2nd Draft)

Short

A young woman finds out that the biological father she's never known is terminally ill. One of his final requests is to see her before he passes.

Approved
Nominee
Draft #1
Nominee
Draft #3
Rating is only available to members
Drama | 2 Reviews | 9 pages | 9 months ago | Draft 3

Summary

A touching short about a father and daughter relationship that only gets a chance to blossom towards the end if the father's life.

Reviews

My loglines suck. Always have, always will. I’ve never come up with a decent one for my own scripts. So, coming up with one for someone else, is pretty damn impossible. So, ignore my logline.

This is better in the fact that you added some exposition (on-the-nose) dialogue to explain his pitfalls, and some of the questions that I posed in my last review. But, it still contains the same problem. Everything is still explained in dialogue and not...

9 months ago | read more...
Van Lutz Top Reviewer
(NOTE: I'm using the ScriptMother guidelines here to organize the review. I believe a few adjustments should be made in discussing a short script, but the principles of good storytelling are in general the same.)

CONCEPT
"Lily" focuses on a universally appealing human moment. The story stays anchored to the concept without any extraneous details.

LOGLINE / FIRST 10%
Your logline presents the basic set-up, but I don't believe that it's as...

9 months ago | read more...

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