ScriptMother

2econd Chance Short

By dragonspirit

What would you do with a second chance?

Rating

Rating is only available to members
Genre: Comedy
No. Reviews: 3 | Length: 6 pages
Published: 4 months ago

Summary

Elvira Deuntjes is a singer who is trying to make ends meet. She is going for an audition to sing the Christmas songs for a company but completely messes up the audition.

The 2econd Chance store, however, offers the opportunity, to fix your mistakes by going back in time. Will Elvira be able to fix her mistake?

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REVIEWS

I'm not sure if I consider this a comedy or more of a Twilight Zone'esq horror.

There were TONS of structural missteps, typos and confusing dialogue throughout. Every time you used "we see" or "we hear" it reminded me I was reading a script, which isn't the idea.

None of the characters are introduced, so it feels random when, boom, a new person begins to speak. The dialogue at times didn't match the action going on, which caused confusion. And all around the dialogue seemed so unreal -- I wasn't sure if this is set in the 40's or 2018.

The logic doesn't make too much sense because we never hear as to what power Rudolph has to send her back in time -- it may seem unnecessary to explain, but how does he keep compiling money if she's coming back into a (seemingly) untouched timeline? Wouldn't he just start back where he was the day before?

I assumed there would be some reason for the title to be written like that (2econd Chance) but there wasn't -- unless I completely missed it.

  • 3 months ago
  • |
  • 1.5

I really enjoyed this short. I thought the set up was great because I kept trying to guess what was going on. Not knowing forced me to keep reading. However, the punchline was very predictable because of the telling facial expressions of Rudolph. I believe, if you remove those small details the punchline would be less predictable, therefor, more affective and appreciated. All and all, very good short.

Bravo!

  • 3 months ago
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  • 4.25

This script was fun to read with an original concept for time travel that's both bizarre and humorous.

Elvira's motivation is to get a job. That is motivating but there could be a stronger reason as to why she's so desperate to get a job, which will help raise the stakes and make getting the job even more important.

The idea that a customer's memory is wiped clean between the moments of time travel is clever and it adds a good twist to the ending.

Rudolph is the antagonist, that is clear enough, though it would serve the script immensely if he had more motivation beyond money and ill-will.

A simple example would be if Rudolph specifically targeted bad singers because he has sensitive ears.

Claire and Hans Fontaine feel "general" or "vague" as characters, you might think about enriching them a little by adding to their descriptions in the action and by heightening their dialogue to the level of pompous.

  • 1 week ago
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  • 3.25