A football experienced woman goes on a journey of self discovery and destiny when as a publicity stunt she becomes the first Female head coach in the NFL, but when she proves to be the better person for the job the Male dominated league pushes back.
SummaryIn this politically and socially relevant Dramedy Christine Murphy, a former football star in High School but was never had the chance to play in College, takes this publicity stunt and uses it to prove she has what it takes to turn the team around and that she can be just as competent and capable as a man.
Coaching a losing team of has-been’s and misfits to a championship maybe easier than navigating all the of the social politics, misogyny and racial equality protests. With women standing up in politics, entertainment and everyday life to the culture of sexual harassment and gender bias, and the MeToo movement that is taking down powerful men this Coach Murphy will be a showcase for the changes that are taking place post-2016. Christine is challenging the male-dominated and beleaguered NFL to take her seriously as a person and respect her ability.
The idea of the writer is very clear, and the dialog in this screenplay shows that this writer knows quite a lot about the game. As a Dutch person I don't. I believe the success of this script falls or stands based on your knowledge of the game. I was a little lost as to the humor part of the script, because I didn't really think it was funny.
The dialogue has been well written, but I do feel it could be a bit more show and a little less tell.
The logline of this script doesn't really speak to me, but I am struggling to find a better one for this script. Basically I think the problem is there have been a lot of movies or shorts about the NFL.
As for the writing I say most is very well written. There are some scenes though that could be a bit shorter, like INT. LUXURY BOX - NIGHT - SAME that is more than 5 pages long. Seems long compared to most others.
I think its a great concept. I would watch the show. I think some of the dialogue is a little too long and wordy. Usually, when it comes to comedy it works better in shorter dialogue. The introductions dialogue seems rushed and unnatural. If this is supposed to be a T.V. series then it should be more action than dialogue. It seems you are telling most of the story through dialogue.
For example, Your montage with the newspaper clip needs to have shorter titles. Newspaper title is short, sweet and straight to the point. For example, "Local Pop Warner Coach Tod Palmer dies in a car crash. Tod is survived by his wife Lori Palmer and young daughter Christine Palmer." I would spin it, "Fatal Car Accident kills local Coach" This would be more believable as a newspaper article than something long. Also in the intro dialogue, you made it clear her father was a coach and died.
You don't have much action in this T.V. series just a lot of long unnatural dialogue. This would work if it was stage play but something that is going to be on T.V. you need to tell the story through vision instead of dialogue. Shorten your dialogue and use more action to tell your story. Also, I don't get Joey, Jamal line. Are Ian friends with Joey or Frienemy or Bully? The long dialogue with the reporter isn't very convincing when you go on a long rant on live t.v., 9 times out of 10 the reporter is going to try to interrupt the person talking because she probably has a producer screaming in her ear about time.