When Asure, who suffers from mental illness, meets Ahmad, a bond forms that changes both of their lives.
SummaryFearful, jaded, and cold, are a few words that describe Asure Baptiste. An early 30's millennial who deals with mental illness. One day, she meets Ahmad Jackson, a new employee at her job, and they begin on a new journey to enlightenment and self-awareness. All while Asure deals with an ex-boyfriend who she just can't seem to let go.
After reading this script, I'd say it needs alot of work.
First and foremost, I want to stay positive, and the best thing about this script is the Structure.
It's a linear story set in the present day, which is simple, but it isn't bogged down with unnecessary flashbacks. The premise is also simple, but that simplicity allows for a detailed character study to unfold.
The only issue with the structure is the pacing. The characters connect with each other entirely too fast. It doesn't feel earned. Take some extra pages to let your characters grow and develop naturally.
Unfortunately that's about it. Now on to the negative
The largest issue here is the dialogue.
It's stilted and awkward in alot of places. My best suggestion for that is simply to pay close attention to how people communicate in your everyday life.
But more importantly, there's much too much exposition in the dialogue. There are so many moments where you can simply cut it out and replace it with something visual.
*check ex 1.
The next largest issue is the development of your two characters. Simply put, they're weak. Sure they have lots of tragic backstory, but characters are personified by what they do, and neither Asure, nor Ahmad do anything that really makes them particularly unique. I suggest going back and fleshing out your characters. Know everything thing about them, every little detail. Then instead of writing each scene to with the destination in mind, think to yourself. What would my character do here?
You also introduce Asure's anxiety but aside from the big obvious things, there isn't much there about it. Anxiety disorders and depression are pervasive and infect the smallest details of our lives. Let us see more of that with her.
Lastly, the characters are personified soley through dialogue. Let us get to know them by the things they do, what they wear, howthey carry themselves. Even describing the places they live in can personify them.
Another issue is the story itself.
First and foremost, it's boring. Alot of it is characters sitting in a room talking. Even if they don't go out, They should do things together beside talk about their backstories together. Let them cook together or watch movies. Show us how they interact on a day level. That's where chemistry between people comes from. We need to see how they work as a couple if you want us to cheer for them. And being in a relationship is more than just the big tragedies you deal with together.
Also the story feels underwritten.
I'd say shoot for 20 to 40 more pages of information to slow it down a little.
If you can hash out all of those things, I think you'd have a great story on your hands.