How many lives does it take to find love?
SummaryGround Hog Day meets Ghost Story in a Twilight Zone like world.
- Is the Concept strong/original?
The story was original and had an interesting ending (although I don't think it worked for the actual script). I don't feel it actually fit the genre of romantic comedy, but it has the potential to take advantage of some opportunities. With some more detailed character development, it could either be a stronger rom-com or with a few changes in the story it could be a cool buddy comedy.
- Does the logline/first ten pages draw the reader?
The logline works, but the first few pages don't set anything up besides their circumstance, not the underlying romance.
- Are scenes well-written?
There are some lapses in continuity but nothing too confusing. The scenes are well thought out but again, don't give too much context to the ultimate payoff in the final scene.
- Is the protagonist/antagonist compelling enough?
I have to assume that Olivia is the protagonist since she is the one who ultimately learns the lesson in the end, but I actually felt more compelled to know what would happen to Kirk.
- Does the character drive the story?
Without the closing scene, I'd have to say no, but the payoff makes the rest of the character development make sense (I feel like the payoff wasn't warranted for the character dynamics).
- Does the dialogue drive the story/character?
The dialogue is fitting -- there were some attempts to drive some of the comedy within the dialogue, but it felt like a reach at times.
- Is the conflict real/genuine?
The conflict (at least the one that pays off in the end) isn't introduced until page 21 of the 24 page short. It's not until this moment that anything makes sense of this being a romantic comedy. It could've been introduced a bit more seamless and definitely needed to be introduced earlier in the story.
The pacing is fair, but there are points where things just seem to be done for the sake of exposition instead of driving the story forward.
- Does the Climax/Resolution satisfy the reader?
Not really. I honestly thought it was going to end with them actually never have been on any of the adventures and just have been mental patients in the asylum the last scene was set in. The twist was a surprise but not much of a payoff since they didn't have much romantic tension besides the jealousy of Kirk and no sexual tension at all -- essentially I didn't care that they fell in love.
- Does the script read well?
It was an easy read but there were plenty of structural/formatting errors and several typos. It didn't affect the story much, so it was easily followed but didn't read all that well from a technical perspective.
For starters, I believe you have a great imagination to come up with such a story. I enjoyed the start of the story because it immediately drew me in with them rolling down the hill. I also like the fact that you didn't waste time revealing that Olivia and Kirk had lived another lifetime. I enjoyed the story from start to finish and especially enjoyed the plot reveal at the end.
Now...what I didn't particularly care for was how long it took for me to laugh, or even smile. If this is a comedy, your jokes and remarks need to have more of a punchline. The dialogue seemed a little unrealistic at times and dry at times where it was meant to be funny. It wasnt until later deep into the scene with the queen when I really laughed. And it made me laugh pretty hard, so I know you have the talent to write better. I also believe you should be a little more descriptive in your action text. It was very empty and choppy. All in all, pretty good. Tweak those jokes a bit and smack your readers in the face with your dialogue. Make it a little more complex and not so straight to the point.
I think the script is very engaging and interesting plot. There are a few minor structure issues but still able to understand the stript. Some of the dialogue could use some fixing but still not bad.
On page 10 you reference a Heath in the action line, despite there being no character in the scene name Heath. You may want to take a look at that line:
"Heath motions the Queen close and whispers a secret into her ear - She gasps and jumps back."
Who is Heath?
Overall this is a really good script.
I really feel that this would benefit from being longer, either a feature or a TV show, with them facing a new problem each week. This would give us more time to understand the relationship between the two main characters and give them more interesting dialogue.
These are supposed to be a couple arguing and bickering in the way loving married couples do, but at the moment it's not coming across like that, though it is close.
If you work on your dialogue and make them spend longer in these strange and difficult situations, I think you could be onto something.
It is an enjoyable read.