A clown looking for a kids birthday is harassed by a homeless man.
SummaryWhile lost, looking for a birthday party, Lubu is approached by a homeless man. The man, Sammy, offers to help Lubu, as long as Lubu demonstrates his juggling. Sammy then has the idea that he will be Lubu's assistant at the party. They spend they're walk debating the idea.
The first thing I noticed, and I think all readers will notice, is how much dialogue there is here and how little action there is here. Besides the 2 juggling scenes and the murder scene this is basically all dialogue. Have I ever even seen a movie with so much dialogue that does not develop plot as such? I'm pretty sure I haven't. Or have I even seen so much dialogue that did actually develop plot? Again, the answer is most likely no. No movie or TV show as I can remember it went this long without having plot element in the dialogue and action. At least not the ones I remember. I can't remember a single movie or TV show that had so few visual elements to the storytelling. Aaron Sorkin doesn't even rely this much of dialogue. He did it once, I think, and that was at the start of Social Network but there the plot did progress to the breakup. It did feel like a short movie where all the points moved along the emotions until the bubble burst and later every single element from that talk would be used.
In this script it's fun dialogue - but it's just that. This would be incredibly cheap to make though. Just wear a clown costume for some hours and it's done. So in that aspect it's good. But but will it work as a short film? Well, there is a huge difference between me thinking the script is fine enough and me thinking it will work on screen. In text the twist at the end was the main plot element and the only plot element. And it was just a twist that suddenly appeared. I could not have guessed it would be there and the twist didn't make the rest of the story more interesting to me. And in its place may as well have been another twist. The vagabond could have given him 1 million dollars for talking to him. The dialogue was not leading up to any specific reveal as I read it.
The focus on dialogue makes me think that this could be made into some audio play. If I had to watch this on Youtube I would want to see maybe 5 times more visual stuff. And I would want a lot more plot development from page one! As it is it's a well told story with little story but it works on the page itself as the visual stuff being there or not being there doesn't change much here.
The dialogue is really good. It's a shame it's not always moving the plot along. But the dialogue is top notch here and at times it's funny even though the topic is serious and a bit weird. I understood all their lines and I felt like the well written dialogue did drag the script along.
Unfortunately the concept as it is didn't work for me because I didn't get the theme or the grand idea. The clown is killed but what was the exploration? What theme was uncovered?
I think this script is fine. If it had another version I would have liked the first 3-4 pages to be a fun experience that in hindsight clearly would feel like a murder being planed. Then after the murder there could be 3-4 pages of the kids figuring out the clown is a killer and killing him before he could harm them. And on the last page the police would arrive to the party to search for the serial killer and finding him death. Something like that would for me be a story that I would know could work as a short film that moved towards something fast enough for me personally to enjoy. It would still be 10 pages or even 9 pages, but it would be a more memorable experience and maybe even have a stronger theme. As it is now I'm always waiting for that plot to appear but it doesn't. So while I'm not bored the story does not really seem like a memorable experience to me. The twist by itself to me seems more like a storystarter than a story.
Basically, the dialogue is funny and well written. If used even in a simple plot this is a sure winner! The writer is really good at writing good dialogue that reads well.
It was a nice story with a cool twist. A bit unbelievable in Lubu's case, but I played along. It was VERY dialogue heavy, but the dialogue was sharp, so it didn't feel heavy.
Not sure if I'd consider this a comedy though, there were some intended laughs, but nothing I'd describe as comedic. The ending made it more of a slasher/thriller (I'm assuming he has and is gonna do some more murdering in his life).
It was well written. The pacing was ok, although I never really knew what was going on externally since majority of the script was dialogue -- but again, the dialogue was good enough that I didn't care.