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When The Bell Jangles

Short

A woman running away from an abusive relationship holds a secret but so does the hotel she finds herself in.

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Winner
Draft #2
Nominee
Draft #1
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Rating: 80%
Thriller,Horror,Drama | 1 Reviews | 13 pages | 1 month ago | Draft 3

Summary

My story is an Alfred Hitchcock inspired thriller called 'When the bell jangles." It tells the story of a young woman named 'Jane' who is running away from an abusive relationship. This leads her to a secluded hotel for the night in which she discovers a dead body. In her desperate attempt to remain under the radar she covers it up on a series of actions which complicate her situation further.



The story tackles the subject of domestic abuse and how far an individual will go to escape it. Voyeuristic techniques seen in many of Hitchcock's films are used add to the suspense of the story and for the audience to question the characters motives.

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Peer Reviews

Overall I think this is a strong script, the biggest issue I have is that the premise is "Psycho" verbatum, I would recommend maybe actually having Jane be starting her first day at the job, and planning on squatting in the hotel maybe, because I think the on the run aspect works nicely.

I took notes as I read.

Page 1
The script immediately creates fantastic atmosphere and tension.
Page 2
Fantastic non-verbal storytelling, Jane feels lik...

1 week ago | read more...
I think this script is written really well and I enjoyed how you would use the same expressions, and sounds to connect different parts of the story. I also enjoyed how the whole script put me off edge. It really built an atmosphere and made the story seem very real. I think the characters were well developed and there were no unnecessary details that would complicate filming but not drive the story forward. The protagonist really made me feel for...

1 month ago | read more...
The script really holds the reader. It really maintains the suspense and the thrill throughout the script. The script had questions like "Why the man is hiding in the cupboard?" and the reader wants the answers to those so badly. I liked the non-linear way in which the audience are given information about jane's past and those flashbacks are placed in the perfect situation. And the script has got its own style and the reader could feel it, like t...

1 month ago | read more...
Jane's motivation to leave her abusive husband is clear, but why she pretends to work at the hotel and cover up a murdered young woman is not. Right there, in the story, you have a problem because her decision to stay and hide the body isn't believable. She's supposed to be on the run at this point, why is she staying? Mr. Harrington doesn't add anything to the story and is a little out of place, his appearance causes the pace to suffer. Why does...

1 year ago | read more...
I love the description of the scenes. You described them vividly enough that I could picture them inside my head. There are somethings that don't make any sense to me though. We get that Jane is on the run from here abusive husband and she stops in a hotel. She wanders and finds a dead body that she had nothing to do with. Why is she trying to cover it up like she's the one that killed her? Why is she faking like she is just the receptionist? I t...

10 months ago | read more...
No need to repeat the slugline location in your action block. I'd recommend removing the word "hotel" in the first paragraph. Also, remember scripts are written in ACTIVE VOICE and PRESENT TENSE. As someone who analyzes scripts once told me, remove "We hear. we see" type of phrases. This is redundant in an action sequence that shows and tells your audience.
"The sounds of a struggle increases in volume behind a closed office door. A reception d...

7 months ago | read more...
NOTE: All of my notes are for improving your writing skills, not for bashing and criticizing you.

When the writer mentions that this script is based on the works of Alfred Hitchcock in the style, that's what got my attention to read this script. I don't know if the writer is inexperienced or if I set my expectations too high, but the script fell very flat for me. Here are my thoughts:

1. Concept - There's not very much originality here. A w...

7 months ago | read more...

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